Relationship troubles with borderline
Hey y'all, I wanna start a thread for people to post various issues that come up in relationships (romantic or not). This can be a huge struggle to cope with if you have BPD (I know it is for me) so feel free to post your problems and give advice! I'll start us off, my boyfriend of 7 years started a huge fight with me today and now I'm convinced he is going to leave me. Not coping well!
@arbanon
this is a wonderful idea!
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through something hard, I hope things get better for you♥️
I actually don't have bpd but my best friend does (we've agreed before that considering how much we connect and understand and relate to each other I am probably diagnosable with... Something). I'm struggling at the moment. I have had many very intense friendships crumble, it happens again and again - I devote all my energy and love into this person and completely emotionally depend on them, and eventually they get tired of me or I realise they are a terrible person and cut them off. I am one of my best friends "favourite people", but they have many and the order of importance fluctuates a lot. I am concerned that they are beginning to lose interest in me and I can't even think about it. They like all their other friends so much more than me and I think they hate me. In my head the only options are put more effort into appeasing them or cut them off completely, but I know now from past experiences that neither of those end well. Advice for how to cope with these feelings or the situation?
@smileatstrangers
Hi--thanks for sharing and I'm sorry that that situation is happening. 
If I'm understanding, you've noticed that a lot of your past friendships involve you becoming very emotionally close/dependent. What usually happens though is that things crumble when either that person ends up not being what you thought they were, or they lose interest in having that kind of relationship. In the present, you have a best friend whose relationships tend to fluctuate a lot, and you're worried that maybe their feelings toward you might be changing. Like they might be losing interest in you or possibly dislike you, and that feels pretty scary to imagine.
I can imagine how those two options you mentioned might arise from that emotional dependence you mentioned:
- Appeasing: If you're feeling really lonely or scared of losing someone, you'd possibly want to appease them by doing anything/everything you can to try to stay on their good side.
- Cutting off: If you feel like someone is disappointing you or failing to give what you're looking for, it might feel like it's just too painful or frustrating trying to depend on them, so it feels like the best option is to disconnect from them.
I can't necessarily give any advice on what the best thing is to do, but this might be a situation where exploring the feelings could be helpful. You're welcome to either share more here in the forums, or reach out to a listener. (You can also schedule a chat with me if you'd like.)
If you feel like sharing more here, I'm interested in what you mentioned that neither of the two options seem to end well. I'm wondering what usually happens with each option that makes it feel unsatisfying or like it doesn't end well?
The two options feel like all I can possibly do - just waiting it out doesn't feel like an option because it feels like procrastinating one of the two inevitable conclusions. I've done both before, at least twice each and often done each in the same relationship. If I try to suck up to the person, it feels like I'm damaging myself and the relationship, it makes me feel even worse because it's one sided and I spend so much energy on a fruitless outcome. Whereas cutting the person off just leaves me feeling incomplete and still thinking about them almost constantly for a long time after the relationship ends. I say "a long time" because for all of the close relationships I've done this to, the feeling hasn't yet faded and I don't know if it ever will.
@smileatstrangers
That makes sense, like if you try to suck up then it feels really one-sided and like you're sacrificing yourself but not getting anything in return. But if you cut off the person, you find yourself still thinking about them and what went wrong with that relationship. And if you do nothing, it feels like you're delaying the inevitable.
I don't know if this would be possible, but I know for myself I tend to do best in friendships/relationships where there's a sort of mutual understanding of what the expectations/rules are. It makes it feel more likely that there'll be some reciprocity where both the other person and I are getting something of value. I don't have to feel guilty about taking advantage of them (because they've agreed to give whatever they're giving). I don't have to worry about them taking advantage of me (because I've agreed to only give a certain amount and to receive something in return).
In order for that to happen, I'll try to express my needs/wants in terms of specific behaviors that I'd like from the other person (e.g. "I'd like it if we were able to chat this many times per week for this amount of time--would you be okay with that?"). And then they're able to express what they want and we can negotiate and try to come up with something that works for both of us. And if needs/feelings change, then we're allowed to bring it up and be like, "Hey I know we said we were going to do X, but I'm feeling this way and am wondering if it would be okay to change it to Y."
I feel this way too well. My long term relationship has been extremely rocky lately. I have been feeling very unwell with my bpd and it’s really affecting my relationship. I am in cbt therapy but I feel like I’m not progressing much. (On a waiting list for dbt) I’ve been working really hard for a long time and it always feels like I’m taking 3steps backwards. I have tried to educate my partner about my illnesses and I feel like there’s a lack of understanding of why I say, react or do the things I do. I’m really struggling
@Insanityisbae
I'm sorry that your relationship has been rocky, that therapy hasn't felt like it's been helping so far, and that your partner hasn't been understanding of the situation. If you feel like you'd like to chat about it, feel free to schedule a chat with me or you can find another listener here.
This is a good idea. I definitely need to vent right now! I live with my boyfriend and he doesn't understand the symptoms of pregnancy. He doesn't understand I am tired, cranky and worried. I also suffer from Depression, Bipolar mixed without psychosis, Borderline Personality Disorder, PTSD and Panic Disorder. I am constantly arguing with him, just recently he decided to start caring about my mental health but he only is focused on one and that's Bipolar but doesn't ask about the other ones nor do he care. Besides pregnancy I have a alot of struggles. I truly hate when people act like I am not capable of doing anything because I have mental illness and also hate when ppl yell at me. Lately he has just been yelling and complaining about everything I do. If I say I am tired it's a problem, If I say i am hurting its a problem, If I wanna watch a show on ID it's a problem. I don't get it, I mean it's good he trying to be concerned but I am grown and his ways doesn't help especially the yelling and constantly putting me down about everything. I have been dealing with my issues since I was in my early twenties so hospital stays, therapy sessions, group sessions and all that stuff has taught me coping mechanisms and when I am in danger of a breakdown. I understand that it's all new to him but I am not a person who can't do. I have come a long way and he doesn't even know I am constantly fighting with him about everything. He blames everything bad on me by saying I am negative never no empathy for me any bad happen its,it's, fault never the other person even when I didn't do anything. It's because I have mental illness so I just negative and bad luck I guess. I truly believe that someone is in his ear about me. I have my own issues I don't need his stuff dragging me down I can't cope with that. That's is why I don't talk to my mom because she tries to run my life by taking my children and throwing me in the hospital. I am just wondering how to deal with negative people who think they are helping me?!? Any advice I am open to it. Thanks for letting me vent
@navyAvocado4473
I'm sure it's hard enough to get through life without having to deal with him doing those things.
- Yelling at you and putting you down
- Not understanding that being pregnant has certain physical/psychological side effects (on top of everything you're already feeling)
- Only selectively caring about one of the many things that you're experiencing (i.e. bipolar disorder)
- Not noticing, understanding, or encouraging/praising all of the ways in which you are really capable, working hard, and trying to better your situation (e.g. attending different types of hospital stays/therapy sessions, learning and practicing coping mechanisms)
A lot of this feels like genuine ignorance on his part, like he harbors certain stigmas/assumptions about mental illness that just aren't accurate or helpful, whether from a scientific/health perspective or from an experiential/lived perspective.
I feel like it would help a lot if he were willing to do some reading/research and learn about some of the mental issues you're experiencing. There's got to be literature out there created by mental health professionals specifically to help friends/family balance supporting their loved ones (in a way that doesn't harm them) while still looking after their own needs.
The other reaction I have is that what he's doing feels pretty counterproductive, regardless of what his goals/motives might be.
- 1) If he's doing this because he feels like it's helpful or "for your own good", then that feels a bit disrespectful of your boundaries. You haven't asked or agreed to having him to try to "help" you in that way. You don't find it helpful, it creates a lot of suffering, and it's actively undermining all of the things you're already doing that *do* feel helpful.
- 2) If he's doing this because he feels personally hurt or like his needs aren't being met, then I feel like there must be some other better way of communicating and working together with you to come up with a resolution that feels mutually agreeable/livable and that respects both of your needs.
Hugs to you... Everything will get better
