The Biggest Psychiatric Mystery of All: Self Harm
Dear Readers,
I thought it important to say some words on the topic of self-harm. I say this because I know there is another place in the forum for this discussion, but I want to explore its unique relationship to BPD. It must be noted that this topic can sometimes trigger others so we must make our word choice thoughtfully.
Self-Injury is often considered a red flag for Borderline Personality Disorder. It is one of the least understood aspects of mental illness, and therein lies the importance of clarification.
As a sufferer of BPD who struggled with self-injury for ten years, I can share a bit of my own insight. My battle began early at the age of fourteen. My first impulse came the very first time I felt more pain than I knew how to hold- the night my dad left. This would also be the first time I ever felt the urge to press pen to paper and write my thoughts down. (That said, I discern some good came of this.) Within the following months, the severity and the frequency would escalate, and ultimately land me in the hospital at the age of fifteen.
For me, it was about the depth of my sensitivity and my utter refusal or- inability- to carry it. In the beginning it was about relief. The strangeness of this idea is often misunderstood and one of the many things I hope to explore in this discussion. Eventually, it would become less emotional and evolve into a full blown addiction in order to cope with even the slightest stressors. I can even admit to the punitive aspect as many of us living with BPD often feel we are somehow inept for expressing ourselves. (This could not be more false and remains an example of distorted thinking.) There is much more to my story, but for now, I will keep it at face value to see if any of you are interested in discussing this further.
I would like to know what drives you to this coping mechanism, and how you feel as a result.
Additional Reading: Six Reasons Why People Self-Injure
Thanks for you post, takes a lot of curage. And great insight into BPD for those who dont understand it :)
You're welcome @AshleyLawrence. I would love to reach everyone I can simply by talking about it.
I started self-harming rather "late", at 17, after my first suicide attempt. I think I connected the pain I felt during my suicide attempt with relief, and so I began self-harming in order to cope with my suicidal thoughts. Eventually, I used it for more than that. It was a way to deal with the intense emotions, the emptiness, and the disassociation as well.
It can spiralout of control. It has spiraled out of control. It became not only impulsive, but compulsive. Sometimes, I just did it because I needed a fix, or I was"experimenting", just to see how much I could handle, etc.
My relationship with self-harm (words I never thought I'd say) is rather complex in this regard... like most of my relationships, it's love-hate. That's where I find myself at the moment.
@RavenousSoul, You are incredibly insightful. Your story hits so close to home. Thank you so much for sharing such delicate parts of yourself. Please message me anytime. ♡
I started to do self-harming and started to think about "ending everything else" for the first time when I realized how unhappy I am with the things that I did, when I started to admit that I'm a horrible person who keeps pretending to be someone that I'm not, I've always thought myself as a hypocrite, fake person who lust for people's love, for them to like me, for them to love me, and I'm really worried about what they think about me. Positive things make me feel really happy about myself, negative things make me feel the opposite and make me stressed out hahah. And I've kept denial it (that I was like that) until I realized it that time, how fed up I am, how angry I am with people around me and how I hate I am with my weak self hahah. Like everyone could hang on and survive with lots of problems that is more heavier than me hahah.
I also started to do impulsive things, hitting my head through the wall, hitting my hands through the wall and when I realized it, hahah I feel stupid. It makes me really upset about myself because I've lost my self-control. I also started to hear voices like "You're tired, right? You should stop." "You're afraid of yourself, right? You sick of yourself right? Let's end it today." It scares me to dead hahah. I'm scared of myself, scared of people, scared of living and I'm scared of dead as well.
I just wish everything would stop without I have to end it all by myself hahah.
I'm starting to go to professional, though. And I'm starting to drink pills that they gave me. The therapy doesn't really help, but I'm feeling better about myself but or at least I'm really glad cause those pills help me to stop hearing voices in my head hahah.
@Kouyle
It sounds like you spend a great amount of time coming down on yourself. Do the voices you're experiencing sound like internal automatic thoughts (self-talk), or do they sound like a different voice?
I can completely relate to the negative feelings you described, as well as being easily overwhelmed by the slightest sense of stress. Education and awareness has helped me separate myself from my illness long enough to detect these distortions, but I would be lying if I said I am not still occasionally swept away by madness. This objectivity almost feels worse because it means being aware of an oncoming train and being unable to derail or hit the brakes. In these instances of relapse or paranoid thoughts I feel as if I am outside myself watching myself go through the motions and unable to stop. I would say these episodes of dissociation and disturbing thoughts are currently my most pronounced struggle. That, and the unequivocal fierce agitation and irritability that eventually morphs into full blown rage and disgust. I was caught up in my journaling this morning having realized a recent loss in my life has turned me into a vicious and intolerable person. This is highly uncharacteristic of me. Now I have to go about returning myself to wellness replacement behaviors and start repairing my damaged relationships.
Best wishes.
This may or may not be triggering.
I started self harming at such a disgustingly young age, now that I think back on it. I remember one day, I was maybe 6 or 7, my mother who is a health care professional at a mental hospital came home and explained to me that a patient of hers killed themselves, and how they did it. This sparked my interest so much, as even at that age, I knew I was unhappy and somehow had the insight to see I would not have a happy life.
I attempted suicide first at the age of 10, by doing everything that my mother had every told me would "kill me", mostly by taking every medication I could get my hands on. I lid in the bath and tried to drown myself, which is impossible, but I had tried. When my attempts had failed, I started to feel a new sense of worthlessness.
I started to cut myself shortly after that on my upper legs, which as a fat kid, no one ever saw. I can't remember the event which caused such a reaction, but I know that I loved it and it made some of the thoughts and emotions dull.
My self harm extended beyond cutting as I started to get older. It grew into pulling out my hair, burning my skin, pressing my hands into ice until the pain got too severe. I picked up smoking at age 12, since as everyone knows, smoking can kill you. I started drinking and doing drugs shortly after, just hoping one day I would overdose like people would warn that I would, or get alcohol poisoning and die. I would even go so far as to not wear a winter jacket at winter to have the discomfort of being cold.
Now, as an adult, most of my self harm is under control, but it's a constant nag. The only times I harm myself now are when I am under immense emotional distress, or if I feel nothing at all. I will often to it as well to get myself out of a suicide thought loop.
Self-destructive impulses are terrifying and often intensify over time. You are not alone. The best way to improve on this is to practice self-love and replace harmful coping mechanisms with beneficial ones. I believe this is something I will always struggle with as well. Best of luck to you on your journey.
@aShhhley
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I read it and my heart was with you the entire time. I have so much love for you right now, you have no idea but I'm trying to give you an idea in this post response.
It sounds like you went through a lot with self-harm, and I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. At the same time, you have shown yourself to be such a strong woman and I am so proud of you.
If you ever want to talk about this, I am 100% here for you.
All my love,
Lee.
Thank you, Lee<3 <3
I see all these young people that self harm, wellI am not so young, in factI could be your mother. I was just recently diagnosed with BPD, and a few other things but primarily BPD. I attempted suicide and obviously survived, thanks to a friend, butI still hurt. I thought seriously about trying again this time instead of ODI thoughtI would strangle myself, and so started my self harm. I could not go through with the suicide but the sense of reliefI got asI pulled the rope tight was,I hate to say wonderful. I now can not quit,I threw out the rope but now whatever is handy i use. It may be a little safer than the rope as the rope was tied tightly and it was like a hanging, with a cordI have to pull on it. The pull to do this is intense and even thoughi am olderi still can not pull myself away and not do it. I wish this had a I did it ending but it doesn't I am still searching for the answer, hopefully beforeI go too far.
@canamspydergal
Thank you for sharing. My heart truly goes out to you. I have a similar day dream. I am glad you have removed harmful materials from your home. I am so proud of you. I am glad you are here.
Looking back, are you able to pinpoint a life experience that might have triggered these self destructive impulses? Are you receiving therapy? Do you have support? In what way do you feel you can repair your relationship with yourself in terms of self worth?
Don't give up.
Thanks for your kind words, yes a work in progress. I do know the trauma's that have created these impulses and I am seeking therapy, it is so difficult, there are so many years of pent up emotions and frustrations not to mention a severe self esteem issue. I am trying hard to repair my self worth but as you can see so far no luck. I have not liked myself for a very long time and I believe that contributes to the self harm, if you don't value your life, why bother with it. What I can say is for now i keep trying but every day it is more and more a challenge. Thanks again and great post
@canamspydergal
You are most welcome. 7 Cups has allowed me the relief of knowing my suffering has not been in vain, if only to lift up one single person when within the pain I sat alone with. I understand your pain more than I' d like, although self-esteem is not something I struggled with. My impulse was/is driven by my perceived failures/inadequacies and adamant desire for the hurt to stop. Sometimes it feels as if the devil is whispering in my ear. But I also know I am loved and preferred in this life by those who love me.
I am going to share some resources with you that might help you on your way to wellness. Please understand these things do take time. Keep talking about it and remember you are worth every bit of the blood, sweat, and tears it will cost you. This is your LIFE. Sometimes you have to fight for it. Do not let your past keep its claws in you.
Watch First
Self-Actualized.org: Understanding and Fixing Low Self-Esteem
Then Read-
Life Hack: 30 Ways to Practice Self-Love and Be Good to Yourself
I'd love to hear your thoughts on this. 
i started hurting myself when i was 12 or 13. I would bang my head on the wall or the desk and punch treesand one time I punched a mirror and when i saw the blood i felt everything leaving me. It felt nice so after that i started to cut myself with pieces of glass i saved from the mirror. I started using drugs around this time and did some things imashamed of and would hurt myself as punishment.
Later when I got clean from drugs I developed a fear of sharp things and stopped cutting but i still banged my head and punched things, and would smack my knuckles on the edges of tables or walls over and over till they wereraw. Then i was smoking a cigarette one day and felt like burning myself so I started to put cigarettes out on myself pretty regularly. When i later quit smoking I started just burning myself with a lighter then moved to heating up paper clips or pieces of wire.
And that is where I am now at 30 years old. A worthless piece of human garbage punishing myself for being so awful because Im afraid to end it all.
I have essentially self harmed since I can remember. I have picked at myself and not been able to leave wounds alone to heal. I started cutting when I was 17.
My childhood was not ideal. I never learned how to express myself, and on top of that I felt like the only purpose i served was to be there for others. I was bullied and used and allowed it to happen.
I HATE myself. i know hate is a strong word but that is how strongly I feel.
A big part of my cutting is to relieve the emotions I cannot seem to handle/tone down/process. Another part is to punish myself for just being. Sometimes it is because it has been too long and i am "craving it". Sometimes, and I do not know exactly why" I just need to do some damage to myself, it isnt about punishment it isnt about emotional pain, it is more like i want to see how far i can push it, how much damage is enough and if I can make it "worse" than last time.
A lot of what you said really hit close to home for me. I also started cutting at 17. And the way you said how you just "push it", to see how much damage you can do... My self-harming has gotten to that point as well, to compulsively keep going, to see how close to the edge I can get, to see how much damage I can do. It's very much become about control for me.
I hope you find this community to be a safe place to express how you are feeling. There are many who feel similarly to yourself. We are here to support you.
Thank you.
I have been cut free for 7 months, but I am having a lot of trouble right now with urges. I am sliding back into a low point and am having trouble holding onto and caring about the reasons and consequenses of cutting again.
@blitheSun94
Thank you for sharing. Mine started at the age of 15 (when my mother started noticing changes in my mood, etc) but I believe it all started when i was a child after my father left.
💖
I first seriously considered self harm and or suicide a few weeks ago when my husband died suddenly..but I know if I resort to that I'll never get to go to heaven to see him...I have to make the best of my time here and try to help others until god calls me back home..it's hard but I try not to focus on my own suffering and try to focus on god cause he's the only one who can give me peace and everlasting life with him and my husband
@jesusdonbass89
This is horribly heartbreaking. My heart goes out to you. I hope you have a strong support system. Please know you can come here anytime. <3
