Thoughts of someone with BPD
[Trigger Warning: Mention of Self-Harm]
In the eyes of many, I just seem so normal, going to school everyday and living my life. But behind their back, random scars just keep appearing.
Everybody seemed so pre-occupied with their own lives, with their own friends, well, excluding me- they didnt care about me. They just had someone better. I relied heavily on my best friend for care and concern, but he just seemed to have so much more fun with others. What am I going to do? Why… why did he abandon me? After all that I had done for him, hes just going to leave me hanging, going away with his new friends? That was really my worst nightmare, and it happened.
I see him in school everyday, laughing and playing about with his other friends, yet he seems so cold to me. When he occasionally cracks a joke with me, my spirit just flies to the sky- its just pure happiness. I love him so much, how have I gotten such a wonderful irreplaceable best friend like him? I must be the luckiest guy on Earth to have him! But just as I turn around and see him enjoying himself with other people, my heart broke, it shattered into a million pieces- Im not a fun guy, he clearly likes to spend time with others better. Im always an option, never a priority, or more strictly put, I wasnt even his option. Im just a nobody. I feel overwhelmed, never have I been so sad before in my lifetime. Why did he abandon me…? Why? I cant stand it anymore, it hurts more and more, every time I hear his laughter and enjoyment with other people. I just cant take it and Im just going to explode of sadness and fear. I grabbed the object nearest to me, and that time, it happened to be a marker. No, no, I shouldnt do this. But my feelings are taking over, I want to relieve myself. I want to transfer my emotional pain to my physical pain, so that I dont feel so horrible on the inside. It was a major conflict- I know I shouldnt do it, but I just HAVE to do it. I took up the marker, and brutally hit my wrist with it once. No, twice. Actually, more than I can remember. He was at the back chatting and laughing away- he didnt care, never did. When the teachers are collecting the markers back, my wrist was completely swollen, at least twice the circumference of my usual wrist. I was still devastated.
From then on, I felt really abandoned. Why of all people does he have to be my best friend? I am stuck with him. I really want to leave him, and no, Im not going to contact him again, just going to ignore him. Hes not going to realise anyway. I valued him a lot, then devalued him after. How I valued him swings between the 2 extremes. My mood swings, here and there. At one instance, I swear that he is irreplaceable and I stuck with him all day, and the next moment, I swear that he is the worst person ever alive. His little actions everyday, made me feel like screaming at him. I want him to continue to be my best friend. I dont want him to abandon me. I want care and concern from him, but it just seems so difficult. He cares about everyone else more than he ever cares for me.
My swinging value and mood lasted for a few months, and in those periods, I have no idea how many times I have broken down, how many scars I have left on my wrist and my arms. Thankfully, I was able to recover, and these stopped. I have never felt so free in my life, not under the strong control of being afraid of being abandoned by others. It was one of the toughest periods of my life, when everybody seemed to abandon me, not just my best friend.
Through this, I hope to let more people to be aware of Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and how a person suffering from it feels. It isnt easy, and I hope listeners will be able to know more about this to better help those with BPD (Especially those taking self-harm chats), as well as members, who may be potentially suffering from it. You are not alone, there are always people around who care for you, even though it seems like youre no longer wanted. On top of sharing about BPD, I also aim to help listeners understand more about the emotional conflict/turmoil as they are about to self-harm.
It was originally intended to be a Self-Harm post, but oops, I accidentally turned it into a BPD post as I got carried away. XD
Great thanks to @221Skye for checking my grammar! 
[Heres a tag to my friends and mentors for feedback: @Ace13 @Anggi @221Skye @NewRomantic677 @BrilliantShoe @RocketsMom @cristiana33 @Claire91 [Feel free to tag anyone you think will benefit from this post!]
@YayyySphere
Wow. I am so proud of you also. It is not easy to share such personal feelings and experiences with others. I think it's hugely important (when we are comfortable with doing so) as it encourages the community as a whole to be less afraid of judgment and more willing to reach out and connect with others. Reading this post I could definitely imagine what you were viewing during that time--your perception of what was going on around you. It sounds like you have gained a great deal of insight and I am certainly proud of you for that as well. Thanks so much for sharing and being such a courageous person!!
Adding a few tags: @Laura @GlenM @Iara @Sarah @PolarCat @StandForFreedom @Dillion @MissZ @JaceofSpades
@RocketsMom
Thank you, it really isn't easy to share this- digging into past emotions, writing a flashback of a bad experience in the past and sharing to the world. I'm glad that it is able to bring out the important aim of this- to share the perception of someone going through it. This post really means a lot to me, thank you! 
@YayyySphere I just have to say this was incredibly moving, and thank you so much for sharing. I expect it can't have been easy to write so openly and honestly about a painful experience but i'm very glad that you did. I certainly identified with so much of what you wrote, and it's a wonderful revelation to know that i'm not alone in feeling emotions so strongly.
@YayyySphere
Sphere, when you told me you were going to post another forum thread I thought it was going to be an informative one just like your previous post. However, this is such a personal story and I think it must've taken so much courage to share with us today. I'm sure this will help many who can relate to it and also inspire others who might not have directly experience something similar. So, thank you so very much and I'm really proud of you. You've come so far! :)
@Anggi
Haha yeah, I seem more like someone more informative than to share such experiences and emotions. Thanks for the encouragement, and I sure hope that it does provide an inspiration and help a lot more people to relate to this as well. :)
This thread touched me in way you may not realize.
On one hand, I am paralyzed seeing how much you've struggled and what it might mean for any other person with BPD to go through soo many mood changes, dark phases and moments when they need to cut themselves in order to stop feeling so bad on the inside. Woah, that part from your text really hit me!
On the other hand, I am super surprised and happy as you really seem to be doing much, much better. You are one of the most positive people I've had the chance to meet here on 7Cups, so joyful and caring... I am happy you left behind that part of you that felt they are abandoned by everyone. You are an amazing guy! *deep hugs*
Thank you for sharing this. It is indeed such a personal and real story for a Listener to share (or anyone for that part) and it surely helped me as a Listener. I'm not sure I can handle well Self-Harm or BPD chats tho... Hopefully your thread will inspire other Listeners (or Members) to share their thoughts as well.
@cristiana33
Thanks cristiana <3 Your post really mean so much to me. (I'm really stuck at replying to these replies XD) It is really a heartwarming post to me. I'm really glad to be able to conquer this, and is even seen as being positive. :) I sure hope this will serve as an inspiration for more people to share their thoughts too!
@YayyySphere
Spherooo, my bud, you are so strong and resilient for having written this post and truly, it's given me so much insight into how someone with BPD thinks and feels. I'm dreadfully sorry you went through that, It is one suckkity experience but somehow you have found a way to use this experience in a positive way to help loads of other people. As a listener, this is one heckkity important post to me and I am soo bookmarking it. And I know, this will help so many members relate to it, and feel more understood and heard. I'm afraid this ramble basically boils down to one thing~ A simple but wholehearted THANK YOU ♥
(this is hella late, but you know about my organisation skills so I hope you'll forgive me :P)
Tagging: @amazingrea cos she will love it <3
@221Skye
Aww, Skye, thank you sooooo much! You never fail to inspire me, and to give me the courage to post this through the numerous posts you have made. You're a really awesome and supportive friend. Thank you for helping me with my grammar and stuff too!
(Glad you know XD Hahaha but I love how disorganised you are, so forgiveness granted!)
@YayyySphere
Atmosphere, this post is absolutely brilliant.
Thank you so much for having the courage to post such an intimate story, it has really shed light on BPD!!! I must admit, that I really didn't know much about BPD but now that you have shown me such an AMAZINGLY written personal experience, I absolutely must learn more. @221Skye, I did not love it. I LOVED it so so much.
@amazingrea
Aww, thank you! 
I'm really glad that my post is able to achieve the original intent, and glad that you loved it too!
hi there... I made a post here yesterday and I don't see it anywhere
just wondering when the anxiety of the bpd to bipolar(moderate) will either sink in... As I think I'm in denial iOr am I just happy where I am....baZ
@baZzchik54
Hey there! You can search for your posts in the forums, using the Search option and putting there your username with the '@' before it. Just like I did here.
The only post you made in the BPD section is this one apparently:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/BorderlinePersonalityDisorderSupportCommunity_81/ChildrenofParentswithBorderlinePersonalityDisorder_505/HowMothersSpreadBPDtoTheirChildren_32779/
@baZzchik54
Hey baZ, I don't think I saw any of your posts yesterday, but as @cristiana33 has helpfully pointed out (Thanks for helping!), you have made a post in that thread and none appeared on this thread. (Hmm, maybe something has gone wrong with the posting?) Hmm, I'm not exactly sure how to answer your question though; in my personal experience, my mood has always been swinging and was never constant. Aww, but I sure hope you feel better and remains happy! :)
ty for sharing... I know that what you went through must have been hard. I have a question... How do you know if you have bpd? I know going to a Dr. is the best way but I have been to a few (well more than just a few) and some say that I'm major depressive some say bi-polar and some have said bpd... Is it possible to have a personality disorder along with depression or bi-polar? ty again for your courage... It helped me more than you know.
@batman4485
Thank you so much, and I'm really glad it managed to help you And to answer your question, there are really distinct characteristics of BPD which I can really relate to, a looot. And yes, there is a possibility to have a personality disorder coexisting with depression/bipolar. Aww, *hugs*, I really hope you will get better soon, I believe in you!
@YayyySphere <3
I'm so proud of you and I don't even know what to say. Just that I had tears in my eyes while reading this.
And yes again, I'm extremely proud of you right now. You are an amazing and an extremely strong and powerful person! Never forget that.
and yes we are always here for you !
Thankyou so much.
@brilliantshoe
Aww, thanks friend! <3 Yeah, I will always remember those awesome words you have left me today!
(You finally managed to get your Wi-Fi to read your long anticipated post today! Yayyyy! :D )
More tags for my Forum Team members: @BlitheSun94 @Lee @RoseIeroWay @aShhhley @alexlove
@YayyySphere thanks for a tag. This is an awesome thing to describe what BPD means and how hard is it to get even through one day with it. Good job.
@YayyySphere
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I know this isn't always easy but the process itself can sometimes relieve pressure, primarily in a confidential setting. You are safe here.
My heart goes out to you as I lost my closest friendship companion last year at the hands of miscommunication and the rage that resulted. We have only now begun to rebuild, ever so slowly, at his request for forgiveness and a new start. I know not everyone receives this gift. However, I will say it has also interrupted my grieving and now I don't know how to react. Now I wait, and we will see if we're able to rebuild despite this crushing blow.
I am thrilled to see how much love and support you have received from our community. Kudos guys!
I want to commend you for your bravery and strength of heart. Self harm is a ginormous aspect of BPD and most likely the most misunderstood topic in mental health today. Thank you for starting the conversation.
Happy Thanksgiving from the US!