Too old to start over AGAIN
Hello All. Thanks in advance for reading/responding. I'm 51 years old and have been trying to overcome BPD since diagnosed at 28. However this last year has been the hardest since most of my "irrational" fears have come true. I lost my job of 12+ years (company closed suddenly with NO notice), lost my apartment, lost my car, and my marriage is about over. I had to take a job making half of what I used to in order to keep from becoming homeless. We now live in a dump of a hotel that costs more than $2500 each month. This makes it impossible to save up to get another apartment. Not to mention that my credit is now in the toilet. I am no longer living...I am surviving. My husband knows about my BPD and all the chaos. I have kept us going for almost 20 years, most of which he barely worked. However, now I find out he has a porn addiction. He knows I know and I have not asked him to stop, but instead to please not choose that over me. Yes, he actively ignores my advances or turns me down for sex. Before you assume...I am not unattractive. In fact I have several men trying to get with me. However, this is the first time I've ever been faithful to anyone. It hurts so much that I want to leave, but have no courage. I am all alone in this world.
I used to be confident, strong, and resilient, but now I can't imagine starting over again. I would end it if I wasn't such a wimp.
Because of our financial situation, I can't afford therapy. Please give some advice...
@PunkyBee
Hi, thanks for posting and sorry that all of that is happening... it sounds like so much. 💜 If I'm understanding, there are sort of two major problems.
1) Living situation: Since you lost your job and car/apartment (due to your company suddenly closing), you're now living in an expensive hotel ($2500/month). So you're barely keeping afloat paying to live there and aren't able to save up to move somewhere else.
2) Marriage: Your husband has been turning down sex and effectively choosing porn over you. And this is happening against a background where you've asked him to please choose you over porn, you're being faithful (despite many opportunities to do otherwise), and you've been the main person supporting the two of you financially for the past ~20 years. So there's this imbalance where you're giving quite a bit but don't feel like he's giving as much. You're dissatisfied but can't imagine yourself trying to start over. Maybe at one point in the past you'd have felt strong/confident enough to do that, but understandably you're feeling pretty beaten down from everything that's been happening.
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Re: the living situation, is renting a less expensive place an option?
Re: the marriage, it sounds like him choosing porn over you really bothers you. I wonder how you'd feel about possibly 1) telling him more directly how you feel about that, 2) asking what you'd like for him to change.
Possibly this link on assertive communication might be helpful. The idea with assertive communication is basically to try to express needs/wants/feelings/requests more directly while still maintaining respect/conscientiousness. Sort of a middle ground between bottling everything up and exploding at someone.
https://www.verywellmind.com/learn-assertive-communication-in-five-simple-steps-3144969
If you'd like to talk with someone, HERE is a list of experienced listeners who accept 1-on-1 chats.
