i think i have BPD
Ive always known i have smthng wrong with me but i never knew what it was. Ive been searching for all sorts of answers and when i came across BPD i was OBSESSED with it and kept wanting to learn more because i could relate to it so much. im positive i have it but at the same time i would do anything for attention because i need it, so sometimes i doubt myself and hide my problems because i think that im doing it for attention and i dont even know if im faking it or not and its rlly hard for me. i have no sense of self i dont know who i am. i cant choose a religion or even a sexuality or anything im so indecisive but not in the normal way. i dont know anything about my self. i get triggered so easily and if im super mad or just feeling alone i tend to go in a state where i think everything is fake and then get an anxiety attack. there was 1 time where it was really bad. i got triggered from a friend because i thought i was losing them; then, i went into a state thinking everything is fake then i got super scared and had an anxiety attack and couldnt breath and felt like the world was spinning around me and moving so quickly and im just stuck there and then i opened my laptop to put calming music then an add came up saying “ur in pain and u want it to stop but it wont stop” i usually always hesr things that arent real but this sounded so real i couldnt tell if it was fake or not then i almost fainted... i dont want to ask my mom for help because she never understand me she just blames everything on covid then yells at me. im also a very paranoid person so i havent been able to sleep all night until my mom wakes up so i can fall asleep. theres more but i wont write any more anyways im struggling so much and i dont know how much longer i can take this.
@mentallyunstableserena
Hey Serena,
There's a lot of your comments that I can relate to! I appreciate that you have the courage to share your thoughts about yourself here and seek out support!
I'd like to share some of my thoughts as I read your post and see if any of it relates with you.
I've also felt like I've been searching for the answer to some unknown questions within me. When I came across an article on a medical site, it was shocking how much I related. I felt like I had found a Big answer to part of my puzzle. And, like you, I have been trying to learn as much as I can. I noticed that you didn't mention this but I had a counselor that I was able to talk with and gain additional insight. I don't know if that is something that would be possible for you but it was very helpful for me.
I can relate to having no sense of self. At certain times, I feel TOO overwhelmed with self that I feel panic and disconnected. Something that help me start to identify what was 'real' about me and who "I" am: I got a notebook and on a page, I would write something that I was unsure of (like "I am weak") and the date. I would write as many as came to mind on its own page. I would wait a week, then return to the notebook. On the next line, I would write the date and True / False (meaning was that statement still 'real') and why or why not. I would re-look at each one and decide if it was true or not. After about 6 weeks, I noticed that I started to see the 'truth' of who I really was (Example: I am not weak. I am timid when I feel threatened by others or in a situation. Now THAT was True.) I found that with this new information, I could handle situations better.
I also related to when you said that you can't sleep. I struggle with that as well but there is something that convinced me to try to sleep. I noticed that, when I was tired, my symptoms got worse, I felt more unbalanced and edgy more often. Now that I have become aware of that fact, I make more of an effort to take better care of myself and prepare for healthier sleep habits (like shutting off the tv; giving myself time to quiet my thoughts before bedtime; I have candles in my room even though I rarely light them, they give off a constant nice smell to the room; and I wash my sheets often because the smell of fresh sheets is so relaxing to me, lol). Little things that help a lot in me getting more rest.
These are just some things that I do now that help me cope and feel better. Maybe they will inspire some ideas within you that you can use for yourself.
I wish you all the best! Feel free to come share more thoughts anytime.
Sher