splitting on best friend
so my best(and only) friend. I lived with them for 9 months, and now hes moving two hours away, and got a new job that doesnt give him much free time when he can visit, so its really just whenever i find time away from school that i can see him. so im not doing well with the change, go figure. since he moved, ive been talking to him almost every single day. which is great. what isnt great is that around the time it gets late, i start missing him and getting sad. and he normally wants to go to bed around then. which is frustrating me a lot that he cant be there to support me when i need it. so i get upset, and end up splitting. which leads to me saying hurtful things i dont mean and getting mean. so today he decided he just will stay away when i 'get mean'. which is the last thing i want. so before i ruin the best friendship ive ever had, does anyone have any tips or tricks for stopping splitting, or catching it earlier on?
@Dysfunctionalllama It sounds like you really want to maintain a solid friendship with him and stay close to him although external factors make it difficult. The problem is that sometimes fear of abandonment leads one to become angry and insecure which can quickly lead to self sabotage because you start knocking down the foundation you're trying to build and keep in a friendship.
What you can do is try to see his perspective, try to see that he deserves to be spoken to in a civil way even when you are angry at him. His idea of going away for a bit while giving you time to calm down sounds good. If you can reassure him that you still care for him even when you are angry and then take the time alone to confront your worst feelings by yourself then you can save both of you a lot of unecessary pain you'd regret later on anyway.
I think what you can do is vent out your frustrations for him in a diary or in your phone notes and try to see, after a few hours pass and you're not as angry anymore, which of those thoughts are helpful to tell him about and what thoughts are just mean. You could try to analyze what are healthy expectations to place on him that show you respect his independence even though you want to spend time with him.
Also, it can make a big difference how you spend your time when he's not around. Think of it this way, the more you do while he's not around the more you can tell him about! You could try to take up hobbies or find volunteering opportunities in your area that you'd be interested in! I know I like anything involved with working with puppies or kittens. Even a simple thing as watching new shows or movies can be great to talk about later! Also, just writing down how much you care for him when he's gone and assuring yourself he cares for you can help. By getting out of your comfort zone a bit more, trying out new things, you can most likely make him proud of you and very happy for you!
Remember, you're better off letting him know when you feel impulsive and coming back when you can communicate in a more civil way than testing his patience. He already cares for you! That can only grow with seeing how much you love him enough to take up his advice and learn to work through your worst feelings in a considerate way.