Advice for intense jealousy and insecurity in relationships?
I'm not medically diagnosed or anything other than PTSD and depression but I know I have more going on. My plan is to get evaluated when I have health insurance again and start therapy. But in the meantime...
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with intense jealousy, insecurity and low self-esteem in relationships? (Both romantic and friendships)
I don't think I have BPD, though I've been told that some of the things I struggle with are common with the disorder.
I can become really fixated on a person I get close to and can't get jealous and clingy when they interact with other people. It's something that I struggled with for a pretty long time, going as far back as into childhood. Doesn't affect me as bad as it did in high school but recently in my current relationship it has been very difficult for me because it genuinely affects my mood and puts me in a bad way. I know I have abandonment issues that stem from childhood trauma and other issues too like self-esteem and stuff.
I get sad jealousy and feel low when my boyfriend interacts with his male friends. I get insecure jealous and compare myself when he interacts with female friends or just girls in general, or follows them on social media. For the record I am non-binary and grew up afab - So I was socialized to be a girl early on. My boyfriend is cis and we are both pan. We are both in our 20s, I haven't dated much but he has dated mostly women and one other gender non-conforming person. I don't know if any of this context really matters but maybe it affects how my jealousy impacts me I guess.
Likewise, I struggle with it in friendships too. I can become easily fixated on one friend and then get jealous and a little clingy when they interact with other people and talk about our interests. It's just exhausting you know?
Does anyone have any advice for dealing with this and managing it? I feel like a couple years ago I was able to handle it a little bit better, before I was in a serious relationship and also before I went on birth control (The birth control I'm on also gives me really bad mood swings although it's tapered off these past few months)
Thank you.
@indigoWriter1061
For myself personally, I find it helpful sometimes to side-step the rich/deep/complex/emotional side of things and approach friendships/relationships in terms of establishing commitments and agreed-upon expectations. I ask for what I want and try to set up scheduled events so things happen without me needing to ask every time or wonder whether it'll happen or not.
It simplifies some of the questions around "can I rely on this person", "do they care", "am I asking too much", "are they going to ask too much of me", etc. If they do what they've agreed to do, then they're meeting my expectations. If I do what I've agreed to do, then I'm meeting their expectations.
If one of us is still unhappy, then we discuss and adjust the expectations. If I want more, I ask for more, and they either say yes, they say no, or we find a compromise. If they're unwilling to give more, then unfortunately they're free to give me as much or as little as they want, and that's their right to say no to things. It's understood to be a balancing act between "I care about you and it makes me happy when you're happy" versus "I have limited resources and maybe can't satisfy everything".