At 36 yo, I can't still possibly be this impulsive...but I am.
I'm a 36yo, single queer woman of color just living life without a sense of purpose and always looking to fulfill my voice. Ok, classic BPD, I know but I am really struggling. I left my apartment after spending 10 days with a woman I barely know in a different state. Fortunately, I work from home and have licensure in this state. But I have legit been here since mid June. I literally just dropped everything to be in her presence. I don't even know if I like her. But a new city and a new adventure is driving me right now. She also cooks for me and caters to me...I love the attention she gives me. It's the nurturing I've always wanted and she rarely asks for reciprocality. Why would I go back to being lonely in my own apartment? I have a pattern of portraying myself as a naive, charismatic, and alluring woman, then cling on to someone I can make fall for me. Once that person falls for me, I insert myself into their entire life. They usually let me. And then once I get bored or they get tired of me, I move on to the next one. Sigghh I wish I could just settle for safe, stable, and loving relationships.
@LanaNI
Age does not automatically change a person..... i have known impulsive who were much older then you and some rigid in following a set course from a very early age
I have often wondered about the road not taken .... if i had not always played careful and weighing each decision instead of being more impulsive.
Have you thought or talked it out why u feel so impulsive?
it is said by many people do not continue a behavior unless they are getting something out of it? It is fun to fall in love or have someone fall for us....it is fun when a relationship is new and we can learn about others and only show our best features forward ..... but as you say it may get boring moving on seems to me a bit easier then having to work on it with one person
@LanaNI
Hello there LanaNI, how are you? 😊
Reading your words makes me wonder if you already tried to understand if there's a deeper reason that could explain the sensations you feel, to see if it's really just boredom. Just to be sure you don't have struggles when it's about commitment, itself.
My wish for you is to understand if there's something you struggle with, in order to find a way to cope and lessen its negative impact in your life .
Sending you good vibes 💙
Thank you both! It sounds like I have some journaling work to do. I am newly diagnosed so I'm just now seeing my pattern. I am so thankful to have found this safe space!
@LanaNI
One step at a time Lana, don't worry we are here ❤️
Good thing journaling, wishing you a good weekend ahead!
