BPD and seeing self
My BPD lately has really been challenging, especially with my body image and self esteem.
I've always struggled with both, been mercilessly bullied throughout my life because of both.
I see myself as overweight, mostly because my weight stays in the abdominal areas. I don't feel happy, emotionally eat, and always feel discouraged. Mix that with BPD and it's 1000x worse 😢.
I've always been extremely hard on myself, still am. I have an extremely deep hate for my body, even when I know it's my own fault I'm like this. I'm not even desirable by my partner, they say otherwise. They are just being polite and say they love me.
I don't even love me that much, how could I love the monster BPD makes me feel! I don't deserve it, I'm too hard to stay in love with.
Everyone eventually walks away and abandons me when it gets too hard, dark, and especially too much on a mental and emotional scale!
Thank you for reading my rants, still the only safe space for me.
@CelticStar7
🥺
I'm sorry you feel so low about yourself.
And that you've been bullied so relentlessly.
You don't deserve any of that at all 💜 💕
@CelticStar7
Hey, glad you felt comfortable posting (and that this feels like a safe place to do that 💜)
That's a really tough situation you're describing, and I can kind of see the loops there:
The body image loop:
1) Feel bad (x1000 with BPD) =>
2) Emotional eating =>
3) Body weight/composition changes =>
4) Negative thoughts about body =>
[repeat loop]
The self-esteem loop:
1) Feel bad (x1000 with BPD) =>
2) Feeling like this is "too much" for other people, "everyone eventually walks away" =>
3) Feeling unlovable or like a monster in general =>
[repeat loop]
I wonder if there are ways to disrupt either of those loops that don't feel emotionally violent (i.e. like you're having to deny who you are or pretend that you don't feel the way you do)
Examples:
1) Is it possible to feel really bad but not have that lead to emotional eating
2) Is it possible to feel really bad but not have that lead to "I'm a monster"
(And maybe the answer to both of those is no or "I don't see how that would possibly happen" 💜)