BPD/ relationships/splitting
I was misdiagnosed with bipolar for years. In actuality have BPD. I have really struggled in relationships close ones the most. Not with friends but with parents and romantic partners. I either pick abusive partners but recently got married in June. It has had very turbulent moments. I admit I'm not always easy to deal with. When confrontation hits I tend to shut down. But there are many times he will be at fault and I will carry the blame because of how I have reacted. Even if he approached me in a bad way it's always about my reaction. Quite a few times it has reached volatile levels. He always threatens to leave me and That's usually when I react. That's usually when I end up feeling like something uncontrollable comes upon me and I start saying things, mean things. Or threatening to destroy his things. Or I cut or feel like dying. I'll tell him to leave but really want him to show he cares but why would he in that moment I'm doing everything to push him away. He can usually remain calm when I'm like that or he leaves. He says if I would just calm down even when he says that that the next day everything would be fine. But something in me sets off. My dad was always angry and never showed love. He was hard on my mom. They ended up signing me over to the state at 13. My brother sexually abused me for years til about age 7 or 8 with no one knowing til I was 23 and my mom found out. I chose a life of drugs and men for years and my husband struggles with that. But he's an ex addict too just wasnt promiscuous. I want to change. I signed up for a new counselor. Reading several books on BPD and finally understanding where this is coming from and why it's happening. Any advice or anyone go through similar experiences? I've never talked to anyone about this before. I feel a lot of shame.
@intellectualartist2024 As I reading at the beginning of your post, I could definitely relate to a lot of the behaviors you mentioned. In my mid 20s I was diagnosed with BPD and then later Bipolar 2. It was a struggle for doctors getting it right about what I am but whatever it is, I hope you know there is hope. The whole dysphoric episodes thing, I can relate too so much, so know you are not alone!
Also, please know this: you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed about! Sometimes in life things happen beyond our control. You take that, the trauma of some of the things that happened to us as kids, etc and it just kinda affects us in ways we didn't. It's no excuse though. We may struggle with BPD, but we have to hold ourselves accountable for our actions. I have learned that what's in my brain or just because I'm angry or hurt that that does not excuse my behavior. It does not make it ok to hurt and mistreat people we care about and love just because of our battles. It isn't fair to them.
I wanted to wish you congratulations on your marriage. I know you mentioned how it's been for you... to others, I'm sure they will tell you it isn't healthy. But what I've learned... is that whether someone has BPD or not... marriage, in general, is just hard! It truly is hard when you take to imperfect human beings with all their past and baggage and then meshing it well. Marriage comes with its shares of ups and downs and it takes work. It takes love, compromise, sacrifice, and lots of forgiveness! It takes the willingness on both parties part to want to make it work. I really wish you and your spouse all the best with the marriage. Truly!
I'm sad to hear about what happened to you as a child. I hope that you are able to find healing and I hope you know nothing of this was your fault. Again, you have no reason ever to feel shame. ❤️ I think you are such a strong person for enduring what all you've gone through! I hope things get better for you in life. Please take care of yourself.
Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. So much I have unspoken has happened in the relationship I think as to why I do this that has something to do with it. But too much to type out. Because this rage/episodes hasn't come out since an abusive bf would beat on me. Before that I was 15. I just signed up for a new counselor and have been reading a lot. Been understanding myself and trauma so much more. It's just really hard when he triggers me. It's been hard to hold self esteem and an identity because of my past. I have let others walk on me. I'm a work in progress. We have really good times though he's just been really distant lately and it's hit me hard with abandonment issues. I take things so personally and internalize everything. Your message meant a lot. I'm pretty good at taking accountability. Just need to work on not letting others words affect me. I need to know who I am and hold it in my heart strongly. I been through so much my intentions are good I just have pain and express it wrong when it becomes overwhelming. The more I educate myself the more skills I obtain. Keep fighting the good fight. I will work on the shame thing though. That sentence made me feel so seen. Thank you so much for that...don't ever give up! I believe in u!
