Diagnosed ASPD - NPD (Undiagnosed) Traits
Questions for the personality disorder community and just in general - I will also answer questions:
After becoming more self aware from having to go to therapy for a bit, I realized there are many differences in how I perceive the world vs. others. The internet is full of “how to heal from a relationship with a narcissist” or “signs of sociopathic abuse”, which makes it hard for me to learn about myself. I have learned a few things. I am curious about what it is like to feel certain things. Yes I do have feelings - most of them are just not as deep as other people, although I didn’t know that empathy was something that you “feel” until recently, along with some other stuff. The more I learn about it, the more curious I am as to how these certain things “feel” and affect people’s lives. Same with the concept of “connection” to other people. Does connection have a feeling associated with it? How do you decide who to connect to, or does it happen automatically? If anyone feels like helping me out and giving me any insight, feel free. Also, if anyone has any questions for me I will answer them.
@raspberryPineapple8723
What a kind, warm hearted person you are, ready to help others, thank you 💕💜
@Amanda84 thank you and of course
@raspberryPineapple8723
💖
@raspberryPineapple8723
Here's a few thoughts for you.
We are each of us unique. Only recently I realised how fundamental this is. There will never be anyone exactly like you or me, ever. This makes us each extremely special. And different. We spend a huge amount of energy trying to fit in and be the same, but actually this is impossible. We are all different. And maybe we can celebrate that?
It also means that we are all different in how we perceive the world. No one will perceive the world exactly like you. Or me. It sounds like you are discovering this. And it can be a very freeing discovery. But also a bit scary.
For me, connection can be associated with all sorts of different feelings. Sometimes love. Sometimes hurt, anger, joy, disappointment, safety. The list is as long as there are feelings.
And for me, a connection is not an absolute, either there or not. But a range from almost non-existent, for example the brief, very superficial connection with a cashier at a supermarket. To a very deep and long connection with someone very important to me. And everything in between. I believe that I have a connection with everyone I interact with, its just that sometimes it means more to me than other times. But of course, you might be different in that. Because lets not forget, we are all different.
That's how it is for me. What about you?
@Clio9876 makes sense, thanks. Especially about how we all perceive things differently - it’s true but I usually can’t help but think that everyone is the same. Same goes for how I view connection. Personally, I feel just as connected to the grocery store cashier as I do to people I’ve known for years. It’s kind of like an “I know them” vs. “I don’t know them” mindset. I can know more about some people than others, but the amount that I know about them (or that they know about me) doesn’t really change anything.
@raspberryPineapple8723
Hi, welcome to 7 Cups 💜
Yeah, it's amazing how much of what's out there for certain personality disorders is either "help, my friend/partner/parent has ___ and they're awful and I hate them" or "X signs your friend/partner/parent might be __ and how to protect yourself". It's a struggle trying to find anything supportive/empathetic.
There are different types of empathy (emotional vs. cognitive), and some people lean more toward one than the other. I used to be more on the emotional side but now I'm more on the cognitive side most of the time (and that's been beneficial a lot of the time 😊):
https://www.verywellmind.com/cognitive-and-emotional-empathy-4582389
The questions about connection are super-interetsing! My reaction:
- Connections happen all the time if you take an expansive view of it. If I go to the grocery store and I have a short, superficial, but friendly interaction with the cashier, we're mutually affecting each other in a small/minor way.
- If we're talking deeper connections, I feel like the defining characteristic is vulnerability: interacting with someone else while experiencing and expressing deeper/stronger feelings or thoughts that either aren't normally accessible or that don't normally feel safe to share.
- Vulnerability feels like it brings greater variance/spikiness of experience. If things go well, the positive feelings are stronger. If things go poorly, the negative feelings are stronger.
Recently I was chatting with someone on this site who revealed some stuff to me they hadn't shared before and been holding in for several years, and they mentioned at the end of the chat it felt like their senses were more vivid. Like the entire world "looked" more colorful. That struck a chord with me and felt kind of thematic. Deep connections involve deeper sensitivity, and it's high-risk/high-reward.
A lot of the time I don't feel very much, and I assume it's just that there's a pretty robust defensive layer that's built up on top of an underlying vulnerable layer. It has its pros (safety, stability) and cons (reduced depth of experience, chronic/subtle low-level physical tension).
Question back at you: Have you ever had brief moments where you felt a lot more than usual? What was that like?
@QuietMagic interesting so I take it that it’s more automatic except for when you share something personal. How do you decide who you can trust or if you can share something about yourself with that person?
and yes, definitely, although for me it’s very short lasting. Excitement, motivation, anger, depression, etc. I went skydiving a few years ago and I remember that I loved it in the moment, but as soon as I landed it was over and everything was back to normal. Same with racing cars/motorcycles. Or if someone disrespects me, tries to make me look bad, or tells me what to do, I have gotten really *** off. It makes me want to get revenge but like 10x worse than whatever they did. This happens about half the time - other times I couldn’t care less. But if I do get *** off, I usually forget about it after a few minutes.
@raspberryPineapple8723
"How do you decide who you can trust or if you can share something about yourself with that person?"
I think these are the factors that influence whether I trust/share things with people:
1) General observation: some people seem to give off a vibe that intuitively feels good. If I had to retroactively explain that gut feeling, I'd say I'm drawn to people who are non-judgmental, open-minded, and have a high tolerance for complexity and ambiguity.
2) My own momentary well-being: when I'm feeling good mentally/physically, I feel like I'm more willing to take risks and I have a greater trust that things will go well (i.e. more resilience to "tank" negative outcomes, greater feeling of confidence/charisma in expressing things)
3) Gradual strategy: I don't usually share everything all at once. Typically I'll start with things that are a bit closer to the surface or I'll shroud it in my usual defense mechanism (i.e. intellectualization). And if it goes well then I might share more in the future.
4) Selective vulnerability: I find that I trust different people with different things (e.g. friend 1 might be great to talk to about topic A but they aren't trustworthy with topic B; meanwhile friend 2 might be the opposite and I can trust them with topic B but not topic A).
***
That's interesting to hear how sometimes that disrespect feels very
triggering and it's like "I need to make them feel 10x worse" while
other times it just bounces off and doesn't really matter.
Skydiving and the car/motorcycle racing sound like great ways to get that excitement or feeling of intensity. 😊 I remember reading in the past about there being pretty strong associations between sensation-seeking and ASPD. (From what you shared, I kind of have the thought now of it maybe being kind of like "Nothing really excites me most of the time and I have to do a bit more extreme things to get past the threshold where my heart is racing and I feel a bit more alive".)
@QuietMagic I’ve heard the term “sensation seeking” but not that description. It is extremely accurate now that I think about it. It’s interesting how you are more willing to take risks when you feel good; for me it’s the opposite. When I’m more content with life I don’t really take risks as much, but when I’m in a worse mood it’s like I *need* to take a risk or I’ll *** die. Thanks
