F23. Struggling with BPD and my sense of self
I was diagnosed with BPD around 3 years ago and honestly the more I try to get better, the worse I end up being.
I'm not able to make the distinction in my brain between changing for myself and changing for the sake of other people. Some experts believe BPD symptoms get worse when being in a relationship, but in my case having someone in my life that genuinely cares about me helps me tone down the impulsive behavior.
Unfortunately since then my life has slowed down significantly to the point that I barely do anything outside work and screen time. I don't feel like I'm doing better, just because I've decided to behave better doesn't really mean my mindset has changed as much as my outside shows, if that makes sense.
I want to be able to love myself as much as I love my S.O. since that's the only way to truly change for good, but I'm still not very sure of who am I supposed to be, or what else defines me as a person besides the little things I do throughout my repetitive days.
I would really appreciate your advice.
-J
@Jess2003
I wouldn't put so much stress on myself 💙
It's alot to get your head around.
It's important to take the day at a time.
And find your passion.
Something that's about you, and you alone.
Working on this, will allow you to slowly start, consistently feel like yourself without the pressure of having to have it all figured out 💙
@Jess2003
Hi there, makes sense what you said about how having another person in your life feels like it helps with keeping things stable.
I think that's a pretty normal/common thing for a lot of adults for things to settle, especially once they start working or are in a stable relationship and they start setting up routines/habits around that. It's consistent but sounds like it sometimes feels a bit limiting or stagnant after a while. (And then when you're looking at your day-to-day experience/actions/lifestyle to try to understand who you are, the question of "what am I doing each day outside of these things" turns into "who am I as a person if this is all that I'm doing each day".)
Maybe if something catches your attention/interest (e.g. possible hobbies or things you're interested in exploring) and you feel like you're able to add that without everything else that you have collapsing, you could kind of gradually/slowly expand from your current routine (without turning things upside down)?
I don't think the distinction between caring for others and caring for self is as sharp as people often suggest. A lot of people get meaning from family/friendships/relationships and feel motivated to do/be things because of people around them.