I Don't Understand Myself
(TW: Slight self-harm mentioned, no details)
Idk what's up but I think I have a personality issue. A lot of friends have mentioned I show a lot of signs of Borderline Personality Disorder and reading up on it, doesn't sound too far off. But I think there's more than that. Sometimes I feel like a different entity. Like I'm me, but I'm not me and I'm not in control. I can go from being my usual self to being the most hateful and crazy person in a split moment for literally no reason and it takes a while to go back to normal. I'd recently been in this latter state for roughly 13 hours or so until that has seemingly faded away for now. I tend to hurt myself a lil too when I'm like this. It feels unnatural, uncontrollable. I know in the past I've had arguments with whatever this side of me is. I don't know what's going on.
Whatever this is, I don't like it, but it seems to be out of my control. I'm not rushing to diagnose myself here, I just wanna try to figure out why my mind is doing what it's doing or am I maybe just crazy?
@DyersEve
Hi there. 💜 (Standard disclaimer that I'm just a random person on the internet with a keyboard who can't diagnose anything.)
The thing you're describing of feeling like you become a different person and things become really intense, emotionally volatile, etc. is something that could fit with BPD. It's possible for splitting episodes to last for hours/days.
https://uniquecs.co.uk/blog/bpd-splitting-episode-duration-and-effects/
There are also other psychological conditions that can involve identity fragmentation, like OSDD:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/trauma/DissociationRelatedDisorders_2335/OSDD1OSDD1aOSDD1bTheDifferences_263532/
It's also possible to have multiple conditions happening at once. There's a lot of overlap between different diagnoses send they all tend to have similar causes/conditions behind them (i.e. relational/attachment trauma), just manifesting in different ways.
Have you noticed any patterns as far as certain events or thoughts/feelings causing this different self to pop up?
@QuietMagic More often than not, it usually starts when looking at myself in a mirror. Which really sucks in a house full of mirrors lol.
@DyersEve
@jacek73 Rather unfortunately, I have in fact been seeing things that aren't there for around a decade and so sometimes hear voices that aren't there either.
Perhaps I should look for professional help at some point then...
@DyersEve
If this is the case (you didn't mention any visual or aural hallucinations in your earlier message) I think you shouldn't wait.
It is not a shame to get diagnosed. But that could be very dangerous for you, when you do nothing about the problem.