I feel unloveable
i was diagnosed with bpd (borderline personality disorder) a while ago, and i relieved to finally know what was wrong with me and to get treated. but now i don’t have a therapist. and my life has gone downhill. i was always so exhausted and irritable, and could barely get out of bed and eat or take a bath. and in those months i made new friends, and started falling for this guy, he was so sweet, but we would sometimes fight alot. he was there for me and so was my mom when i had an episode and tried to attempt. but i took it too far when i had another episode recently and splitted on him and told him he was dead to me. i never meant what i said and i tried explaining it to him but the damage is done. i feel so horrible, i feel like no one can love me because of my bpd. i hate having bpd…
@ilyroseybloom Hi, it sounds like you're going through a really tough time right now. Dealing with BPD can bring a lot of challenges, and it's understandable to feel exhausted and overwhelmed. It's positive that you were able to get diagnosed and start treatment before. Even though you don't have a therapist right now, it might be helpful to reach out for support from friends, family, or listeners. Relationships can be complicated, especially when managing BPD symptoms, but it's important to remember that you're not alone and that recovery is possible. You're deserving of love and support, and it's okay to seek help to work through these feelings. If you'd like to talk more about what you're going through, I'm here to listen.
@Mya000
No one with BPD wants to hear this sort of generic reply
Ugh, as someone with bpd myself you think you are being helpful and this type of impersonal template response is incredibly offputting for someone with this disorder
@WhatNameidk I'm sincerely sorry that my response hurt you, it was the opposite of my intention 🩷 I will reflect on this and be more mindful of how I respond in the future.
Hi ilyroseybloom,
I know those feelings of BPD and really low mood, too. So, I do hate having BPD and feeling like being stuck with it for life.
And I met other people with BPD, too and I do like them. Overall we are just human beings who are troubled because of the upbringing or other difficulty in life. I do have to convince myself that I am okay with BPD. That I do have strength to survive because of my BPD.
BPD can be treated, that is a fact. We might not be cured, but we can live a better life and learn other coping strategies.
We will have to do a lot of hard work. We will stumble and we might even fall, but we will not give up. We need to remind ourselves that we are capable of fighting. We were able to get out of a lot of *** due to our caregivers. And imagine a child with no protection, but we are not a child anymore, even though sometimes we feel like we are because of our feelings.
I just hope, that you will find a good therapist and learn why you needed to react in a way you wouldn’t have if you were in a better place. It is painful and sad to have to lose someone you love. And it is probably worse if you feel that it was your fault. Please forgive yourself for saying those things.
You need probably as much help as I do. I hope you are not too shy to ask for it. You are lovable, I am sure. You might just had to test his patience and his love, I guess. You didn’t mean to hurt him. Aren’t we BPD people more likely to hurt ourselves?
There are possibilities to deal with those strong emotions and may I say , diva like reaction ( it is my own definition) .
I am definitely not cured, but I learned a few things already. I just need to keep practicing.
I wish you to get your hope back. Believe in love. And more important believe in yourself. And please try therapy.
Love regards
That’s sounds identical to mine! I hope you’re doing well. I’m trying to figure out how to navigate my emotions! And sometimes it’s like almost impalse or second nature when you mess it up…
@ilyroseybloom I also have BPD and understand your reaction. Does this person know you have BPD? If so and if they really love you, they will understand and forgive your words. You are LOVEABLE if you allow yourself to be loved.
@ilyroseybloom
The splitting sounds really challenging. Sort of like when you're in the middle of that and feeling really angry/upset, it leads to you saying things that feel accurate in the moment. But then later, when things are back to normal, you still have to deal with the consequences of things you did/said while in that altered emotional state. "Omg, I told someone very close to me that he's dead to me. I'd never say that normally. Now that relationship's messed up, and this isn't what I wanted."
Some questions that come to mind for me:
1) What do you think of the idea of trying to catch yourself splitting and have some kind of plan ahead of time for how to get through that moment without doing something impulsive that you might regret?
2) Have you noticed any things that have helped in getting through splitting episodes in the past?
3) You mentioned that things went downhill after you no longer had a therapist. Any idea what the therapist might have been offering that prevented things from going downhill? (Like, maybe it was just having someone to talk with and feeling heard/understood, or maybe he was helping you work on certain strategies for dealing with BPD.)
Feel free to reach out by PM if you want to discuss or share anything.
