I think I have BPD and ruined all my relationships.

@emotionalCircle9548

Hi there, thanks for sharing. 💜 First, just want to make sure I'm understanding what happened. Let me know if anything here is inaccurate:

Day 1: Argument with husband, calling cops

• You were having an argument with your husband
• During that argument, you started feeling scared and went to another room to calm down
• While in the other room, you called the cops on your husband

Day 1: Husband said to leave, called family, they suggested plan

• After calling the cops, your husband said that the relationship was over
• You told husband you wanted to leave
• He said to go ahead and leave
• You felt scared from him saying that
• You talked to your sister and mom and told them that you were scared
• They suggested a plan of leaving and taking your son and animals with you to another state
• You weren't sure about the plan, but your family said that your husband was manipulating you, so you agreed to it

Day 2: Reconciling with husband, changing mind on plan

• Your husband changed his mind on the relationship being over and offered a chance to try again
• You decided you didn't want to go through with the plan
• You told your family that you didn't want to go through with the plan and that you were going to try to reconcile with your husband

Yesterday: Asking family not to come see son

• You asked your family not to come for your son's birthday because of the incident with them suggesting you leave with your son and animals:
  • 1) Your husband wouldn't want to see them
  • 2) Your husband would want any visits between them and your son to be supervised by law enforcement
• You also told your family that you wanted to take a break from talking with them to work on your marriage

Yesterday: Sister talks with husband

• Your family was upset, especially your sister
• Your sister called your husband and blamed him
• You believe that your family maybe had incomplete context as you'd been mostly telling them negative things about your husband
• Sister said that you were going to proceed with the plan (even though you never said you were going to do this)
• Husband is unsure who to believe:
  • 1) your sister saying you're going to leave and take son with you
  • 2) you saying you want to stay and work on marriage
• Sister calling felt like it further damaged your relationship with your husband

******

Assuming this is correct, my reaction is... it feels like there are two versions of reality here and you're stuck in the middle oscillating back-and-forth between them. And those two ways of understanding things lead in very different directions, not just emotionally but also in terms of what action you take next:

Reality #1 (your family's understanding): Your husband is abusive, you and your son/animals are in danger, you need to get out ASAP for your own safety and theirs. Your husband saying that he didn't want your family visiting felt to your family like further evidence of abuse (isolating the abuse victim from their friends/family). Your sister felt angry and scared for your safety, so she bravely reached out to your husband and tried to speak on your behalf and protect you by basically saying "no they're definitely leaving!"

Reality #2 (your husband's understanding): You had a minor argument with your husband. Due to feeling panicked during the argument, you called the cops and called your family for support. Your family has an exaggeratedly negative impression of your husband, so they took your panic as a sign that something was seriously wrong and persuaded you that you needed to take drastic action to leave. You went along with their suggestion, but the following day while in a calmer state of mind and with your husband offering to mend things, you backed away from the plan. Having your sister suddenly call your husband and say that you actually still supported the plan (when you didn't) confused things greatly and created distrust. You were actually committed to resolving things with your husband and trying to salvage the relationship. Her calling and saying the exact opposite was an overreach on her part, it undermined your decision-making, and it made a bigger mess of things.

******

Question: which of these sides feels more like how you see things?

I'm hearing in your post that you're mostly siding with your husband (i.e. saying that you burned bridges over something "trivial", calling the argument "small").

But I'd also wonder if maybe you're downplaying things that your husband has said/done and blaming yourself for feeling scared/panicked. Is your family overreacting, or have you told them some pretty scary stuff about your husband that has them understandably worried? 💜

I feel like it's both, because over the years I have only told my family about the arguments me and my husband have had, essentially painting him as an abusive partner. He has a tendency to raise his voice when he's angry, but I often do too. I did tell my family that I was scared after the altercation, but he told me to leave because I told him I wanted to leave. I omitted that to my family, making it seem like I was kicked out for no reason. Instead of calming down (no voices were even raised in the argument, and he was in the living room with my son so he posed no danger to either of us) I ended up telling my sister that I was scared and she told me I should call the cops, so I did. I also told them that he was armed (he carries a pistol to protect us all) and so I made the situation seem very dangerous to the cops, but when they came, I told them I didn't feel threatened, so they were there essentially as mediators. I told my family that I escalated the situation way more than I should've done, and I ruined their chance of coming out for my son's birthday for no reason. My husband is upset that I was going to go along with taking my son (he said he's so hurt that being stabbed would even hurt less), but he is willing to give me one last chance. He is saying that I'm in hot water though, because me almost kidnapping our son would've ruined his life and is very personal to him since his bio dad was never in his life. I created a disaster and now my family is upset at me, my husband is very upset, and while my husband's family and friends are more understanding, I'm sure they will be very cautious of me from now on. My husband and I do argue and sometimes they get heated, but I have never felt threatened by my husband and he is actually very protective of us. I have just told my family about all our arguments and the raised voices while I should've kept our relationship private, so instead of seeing him as a normal person, they see him as a monster and have thought I should leave him for a while because of it. I dug myself a hole I feel like I can't get out of.