Loved one with BPD, lost and confused
My pwBPD and I have been off and on for 5 years, but mostly together during that time.
She hasn't had therapy for her BPD, tried to go once, had an episode, and never tried again, and isn't on any medication.
We've had 3 incidents over the last 5 years where she either did or said something so serious that it lead me to break up with her, either temporarily for some space, or for what I wanted to be permanent at the time, which has really eroded her trust for me and a long-term future together.
Some how, some way, we'd always end up back together, but that changed the last time I broke up with her.
We had almost 2 months of no contact, before I reached out her to reconcile, as I had been going through some really difficult times mentally myself, breaking up with her wasn't the best reaction and I wanted to make things right.
Since then we've had some downs but a lot of ups, and until last week I felt like we were in the best place we'd been with each other all year, even though we still haven't gotten back together officially.
Everything seemed to change though, last week she went on a 5 day vacation with a lady friend, the first 3 days were completely fine, we didn't talk much but she seemed upbeat and I knew she was busy, but by the 4th day there was a clear shift in mood, and she mentioned that the trip had been mentally challenging for her but didn't say why, then on the 5th and 6th day, the day she was coming back, she didn't send me a single message, which surprised me, but I continued to give her space and didn't message her until the next day.
In the morning on the day she returned I messaged asking if she was ok and hoping she got home safe, to be met with a blunt "Sorry, I need time, are you ok?", I took that as oh she needs to rest and recharge after a busy week of travelling and socialising, but then hours later she's uploading stories on *** of her out riding her motorbike and going out for food with friends, which she proceeded to do all weekend still without messaging me or giving me any explanation why she was being so cold all of a sudden, this is also really out of character for her, she does occasionally post stories on *** but they aren't usually so personal and she would never post 10 in 9 hours, and just felt odd to me because she'd know that I'd be able to see them.
What's even more confusing is she wanted to see me the weekend before she left but just didn't have time, suggested we start a business together the week before that, and asked me last time I saw her with genuine concern if I was talking to any other women, so I'm feeling really lost.
It's been 4 days since she said she needed time, and I'm torn between giving her more space to process her feelings and reach out to me to explain why she's acting this way, or taking the initiative myself, sending her a final message, and blocking her on all socials, as well as her number, and going no contact for good.
I don't know if it's my brain that's making me assume the worst, but it really feels like she's already made a decision but can't find the courage to be honest with me, even after some of our deep/emotional chats earlier this year she never ghosted me like this.
Any thoughts or insights into what she might be going through and why she's acting out this way would be much appreciated, because I'm really struggling with figuring out my next steps.
@conscientiousVase150
Hi, thanks for reaching out. 💜
The situation feels confusing to me too. Everything's normal up to day 3 of the trip, but then starting on day 4 she suddenly says things have been challenging, starts being less communicative, and says she needs time... but then shortly after she's posting stories in which she appears to be having lots of fun, spending time with other people, etc. It certainly feels contradictory from the outside looking in.
Knowing that she has BPD doesn't solve the puzzle for me unfortunately. Maybe it makes certain things more likely, but I don't want to pretend I can mind-read. 😊 Possibilities that come to mind for me, just speculating:
- Maybe something stressful happened on the trip that isn't related to you, and her riding her motorbike and hanging out with friends is a form of resting--sort of like a low-effort distraction and a way of having enjoyable, low-risk experiences that don't involve intense emotions. (From what you mentioned about the deep history between the two of you and the ups and downs, maybe connecting with you tends to be a more intense/volatile/risky thing for her and she's not feeling resilient enough for that right now.)
- Maybe there was some subtle conflict or interaction between the two of you that rubbed her the wrong way, she's upset about it, and she's handling it in a passive-aggressive way because talking about it directly with you feels really scary (e.g. this would line up with what you suggested of "can't find the courage to be honest with me").
I wonder if there's a middle ground in between "doing nothing" and "I'm done and blocking her for good". Like maybe communicating that you've been feeling confused/worried/scared, sharing that her activity on social media combined with her asking you for space has you wondering if you've done something to upset her, you care and would like to be able to understand what's happening, and asking when might be a good time to talk.
I am not a professional of any kind and I'm not sure
I'm just speculating based on why I PERSONALLY do this sometimes, as a girl with BPD.
When I have to connect with a group of friends for example, it gets difficult for me to contact another friend, so I stop contacting them and start thinking of excuses to justify that.
Also when I have something going on irl be it positive or negative alike, I struggle to connect with people I should be regularly contacting through text.
So my friends are used to me disappearing for days, sometimes weeks, and then coming back with just a "sorry for the absence" and it'd go fine.
Because it's very difficult for me to juggle things, no matter how small they are.
It's even overwhelming for me to just do simple daily tasks such as having an online meeting, having to talk to family daily, and also brushing my teeth! Such simple tasks.
This difficulty probably comes from the anxiety as a main symptom of BPD. it's just my personal experience
When I get out of contact like this, I'm probably just exhausted. Not necessarily fir a specific reason. I just feel stuck and unable to do simple tasks such as sending a text message
