My Life as a Borderline

@CelticStar7

You are right to take BPD seriously 💜 I have it and take it seriously.

"Who even listens anymore, no one around me."

"It's painful when you realize that you will NEVER truly be understood by anyone! " 

Have you found anyone to talk to?

@CelticStar7

Hey, thanks for sharing. 💜

This didn't seem like it was easy to write and share. Especially with the thought process of "whoever's reading this is probably annoyed with me".

Kind of like the act of sharing and seeking support becomes just another opportunity to either hurt people or be hurt by people. (E.g. if people don't care, then it confirms the feeling of "I feel so invalid, like I don't matter").

***

"I'm what you might call a self aware borderline"
"I take notice of alot of how I feel and what I do."

I'd agree with that! I can see how much thought went into what you wrote here.

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"I can mention suggestions that I myself should do. I don't obviously do it."

That's relatable. I feel like a lot of times with advice/information, there's this divide of 1) here's what everyone says you're supposed to do, 2) but none of that works or feels appealing/sustainable.

***

"Recently my partner of over a decade told me when I try to explain things, it's gibberish!! GIBBERISH! This is also someone who constantly wants me to get to the point of the matter. I can't always unless I explain myself.

Long ago, I used to get to the point! Then people expected an explanation, so my brain was rewired to do so. Now I have to revert, it's really challenging."

That's really frustrating. You tried being yourself one way and other people had a problem with it. So you went the other way and now someone is complaining about that too. You can't win.

(For what it's worth, I don't see gibberish here. What you're saying makes sense. Just depends on someone having patience to listen, but like you said support networks are hard to find.)

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"Did I forget to mention that I am my own worst bully? Oh yeah, I'm that hard on myself. Comes from a life of being bullied throughout school. I was the scapegoat of the group, the one who wasn't into everything everyone else was! I'm lame and boring!! No one wants me around. Im too annoying!"

That makes sense too. I think there's a point at which if everyone rejects you repeatedly, there's a kind of felt truth to the idea of "I'm unlovable" in the sense of "I can't trust that there are people out there who will actually care about me or offer the right type of understanding if I share myself with them. Even if somehow I love myself or come to feel that I have value, my life is still impoverished if nobody else feels the same way about me."

***

"Will I just upset more people around me. I can't afford to lose anyone!"

Makes sense that when you have so few people and prior experiences of abandonment, the thought of losing more is scary and something you'd want to avoid.

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"I can't let go and I can't relax, what is that? I've never heard of it."

Yeah, I've never really felt a lot of resonance from those instructions myself. People telling me to relax just makes me angry, lol. Same with letting go--some things feel like they're important enough that they're worth clinging onto and they don't want me to let go. I feel like something's nagging at me to pay attention and listen and I'm rejecting my own truth.

When I do get experiences where I'm relaxed or letting go, it tends to happen in a paradoxical way. I'll be clinging onto something and processing it and then it just starts to dissolve because I've offered it the attention that it wants.

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"It's painful when you realize that you will NEVER truly be understood by anyone! I'm living with that heavy on my heart every single day!"

I'd love to have the opportunity to try to be a counterexample to that. 💜 Feel free to PM. Or if you write more posts in the PD forum, I'll read them.