Sensitive narcissism
Hi everyone. i’d just like to share my story, perhaps someone will find it helpful and familiar. there is one thing that’s been bothering me for a very long time, the so-called flaw in the idealized picture, namely - sensitive narcissism (at least I think this is it).I have a morbidly high self-esteem, yet alongside with this I consider myself an average person and i constantly compare myself to others, envying their smallest success. I am also fearful, having been chased by social phobia for a long time. I couldn't even say „good morning” in a store. stuttering is also a tremendously crucial point in the whole story, which until recently had been simply devastating, intensifying the very social phobia and fear; a so called sansara. I still bear the opinion that I am worse, useless and defective, although I try to hide it with great effort. additionally, I am permanently convinced that I can be seriously ill, and that is why I cannot „fix” myself. I have animosity towards people, especially those who, to my mind, have achieved more; I dream of them falling down into calamity and irrevocable poverty. I had two suicide attempts and an unhealthy tendency to self-harm, but it has remained in the past. After all, the love for my family and friends remains as intense- i always express love in both words and deeds - they are such a „safe space” to me, free from all others - jealous, selfish, pushy and stupid. At certain points, my head is flooded with thoughts of the total destruction of all the people in the world, because only then will I feel better, more valuable and most of all - calm again.
@bluelilyseed
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Its hard to feel content and happy in your own skin and to appreciate what you yourself have you offer, if you are constantly putting yourself down or comparing yourself. Jealousy is a natural human reaction, but it's also a wasted one. I know your thoughts can get muddled when stressed, but even if you were to be the only one in earth, with no one to compare yourself to, you wouldn't be happy or calm, because ultimately the insecurity comes from you, and you need to learn and tell yourself everyday, that, you matter, you are enough and not put yourself up against others that you don't know, we never know what insecurities any person faces, sending you my best wishes 💕💜
@bluelilyseed
Hi there, thanks for sharing. 💜 You've painted a pretty vivid picture and it makes sense how you've described it. There's this feeling/fear of inferiority, this comparison to others, and this desire to destroy or cut down people who feel like they're better off. (Can see how it would be helpful if the whole world were destroyed; if there's nobody else to compare against, then there's peace/freedom from having anyone to be envious of.)
Are there particular things that feel especially relevant in terms of how you go about evaluating "this person is better than me" or "this person is worse than me"? (Like I'm curious what makes someone feel like they're more successful and turns them into a target for envy, animosity, etc.)
I assume i just envy everyone to larger or smaller extent. but what stings me the most can be a simple freedom and some sort of unwavering spirit of orienting in live. meaning, feeling secure in any circumstance you’re in, not bothering yourself much with your career, studies, friendships, love live etc. just living - not surviving and jumping up where you can’t reach. i especially notice it with my colleagues. they all seem pretty casual about their future jobs and opportunities, whereas i try to gnaw my piece ferociously just to prove “something”.
@bluelilyseed
Ah, I think I can imagine what you're describing. So someone who's not really anxious, not super-ambitious, not driven by a desperation of needing to change things, make things better, etc.
That clarifies for me some of what you mentioned in the original post about the social phobia and fear. It's not just that the fear itself is tough to deal with itself, but that you look at that version of yourself that's fearful and compare that to someone who isn't as fearful and feel "defective" by comparison. (Being fearful => feeling useless => self-disgust.)
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On the flip side, I wonder what things feel like when you're in that "morbidly high self-esteem" state that you mentioned. When you're seeing yourself positively, how would you describe your strengths, or what does it feel like you're good at?
it feels like a maniacal psychosis to be honest. i just spring into another phase of complete over-awareness, productivity, energy, and self confidence. i do not stutter, which is important. i solve all of my problems successfully, manage everything in the nick of time and simply get so energetic that i can’t even sleep at night because of that. it feels overwhelming actually, specifically when i know this phase is going to switch on another, depressive one.
@bluelilyseed
That sounds pretty double-edged and like "mania" is a good description for it. You get the productivity, confidence, speaking ability, etc. but the energy is overwhelming, you're unable to sleep, and then things suddenly flip and become depressive.
I wonder if you've ever sought out mental health care or if that's of interest? I'm not a mental health professional and can't diagnose anything, but the descriptions of mania and depression and the intensity of both sides of that make me wonder if there might be something like bipolar disorder happening. (If that's the case, maybe something like medication could have positive effects in terms of balancing out the highs and lows.) Could also understand not wanting to mess with things though if the mania is highly functional, since it sounds like you get some superpowers from it for a little while.