Struggling Daily
I don't really know what I'm doing right now, and I just needed to vent and maybe gain some clarity on how to move forward.
I'm a single parent to an almost 2 year old - I have some help from my mom, but limited. My son's father has never been involved. I used to have childcare 2-3 weeks for 4 hours, but now I don't have anything during the week. So, i'm on all day and all night. I'm also in graduate school and I work 16 hour doubles on Saturday/Sunday. I pretty much never get a break and I just feel like i'm drowning, i'm not being the best version of myself as a Mom, a daughter, or a friend right now.
I'm angry, frustrated, tired, and depressed. All I want to do is cry and just sit by myself. I yell all the time because I get so frustrated with my son, and sometimes I get so angry I hit a wall or throw something. I'm working on all of these things in therapy and with a psychiatrist, but it just feels never ending.
I hate the person that i've become, I don't want to be angry. I don't want to be depressed. I don't want to feel like I'm alone and I don't want to hate myself. I just don't know how to get out of this cycle and it's so hard.
I want to be a better parent and daughter. I want to be happy again. I just feel like I can't do anything to make this better and it just feels defeating in so many ways
@kawaiikoreannn
I especially feel the second to last paragraph. I'm there, too.
*hugs*
@kawaiikoreannn
Wow! That sounds really busy/stressful juggling taking care of your 2-year-old son (without any help from his father), graduate school, and the 16 hour shifts on weekends.
It sounds like you work incredibly hard and you're doing an awful lot. There's a lot to be proud of there.
Makes sense that you'd feel like you're drowning with all of that. Makes sense that under those conditions you wouldn't feel like you're able to be the best version of yourself. And makes sense that while you're in that kind of state, maybe it would ripple outwards and affect other people in ways that you're not happy with.
"All I want to do is cry and just sit by myself" - is there any way to make that happen? Seems like there isn't any time where you're able to unwind and just exist.