The destruction mayhem
I don’t know how to cope with this feeling of destruction. After I am sad I take my anger out on myself, if I am angry I get sad then take it out on everyone bc I want people to see me. It’s a loop of sadness, anger, pain, and trauma. I hate people until they spill their guts. I love people like they are mine. I cry when things are not fair or don’t understand. Why can’t I find peace? Like true peace, like the peace of mind you get when a hard puzzle is put together. Or when you see a cat and it comes up to you and you think “I hope the world is treating you well buddy and if you came home with me I’ll give you the world” being chosen and not forgotten is a dream of mine but no one cares unless it’s beneficial. Why do I bother with brain dead people who only care about good and not the bad. I can’t find peace in this destruction but it’s all I know to hate and be hated. I only want the truth and why is that offending everyone?
@RavenCrossfire
All I know is to hate and be hated.
I'm sorry this is all you know
I'm like you from the point of view, I don't like to sugarcoat the truth.
I like to be honest and I like it back.
Can I ask why you don't like only good, you want the bad too?
Do you mean, you want to be accepted for all that you are and not just what people want you to be?
💛
Sometimes I think I am born from destruction and I have to or genetically have to carry it on the cycle. I have people in my life that don’t realize their actions and I have tried to make them aware but it seems like I have doing more harm than good and I make some feel like I am in the wrong. I try to set boundaries and it seems like it’s a big problem when I set them. Although I maybe not doing anything wrong there is my own temper that exploded when I am miss understood. I don’t want to destroy but it feels like it is in my blood and I can’t help it. I have tried working on this but I doesn’t help when people around you bring you back to your original nature.
@RavenCrossfire
That's really tough when you're trying to do all of the right things (i.e. set boundaries, manage your anger) but the people around you aren't respecting what you're trying to do and keep pushing you in a way where you feel like you have no choice but to explode at them. It's hard to make major changes when your environment isn't supportive.
@RavenCrossfire
Hey, I'm not sure I understood everything but will share what I think I'm hearing and you can tell me if it's incorrect.
Your
daily experience of being a person involves a lot of emotional
intensity. Your feelings move around a lot, and you go from one strong
feeling to another. It's really difficult to deal with, and it's a bit
of a puzzle trying to understand how it all works and what to do about
it. One of the versions of "peace" that you mentioned that you'd love to
have is just being able to understand all of that and how to navigate
or solve it.
What stands out for me is what you mentioned of
hating people until they spill their guts, wanting the truth, and
disliking people who only care about good and not the bad. My sense is
that you're a person who has a lot of intensity, you're pretty strongly
in touch with how you're feeling, and what you feel is really powerful
(and often overwhelming). People who aren't in touch with their own
feelings and don't seem like they have much of an inner world maybe feel
"braindead" or like empty shells.
And importantly, people who
only care about the "good" (i.e. nice, clean, easy, positive, socially
acceptable feelings and thoughts)... feel like they aren't capable of
accepting or connecting with someone like you who has a lot more going
on inside of them. Until someone "spills their guts" and shows some
evidence that they also have a deeply felt/thought inner world with some
complexity/vulnerability, it feels like they have no chance of
understanding or empathizing with you.
The second version of
peace you alluded to with the cat is finding someone who's interested in
who you are, willing to care for what's there, and willing to be there
for you even if it's sometimes confusing or difficult. (The opposite of
that is transactional relationships where when things get tough or
require some carefulness or effort, people run away.)
Let me know
if I'm understanding. 💜 I could be projecting a lot of my own self in
an attempt to connect dots or weave together a narrative, rather than
seeing what you're saying.
