Where to start
How do I talk to a friend I haven’t talked to that just reached out??? Sadly this friend gave me a ick and I’ve not answered their text because I don’t want to project my emotions on them when they are only trying to reach out and talk again. I feel bad but they don’t communicate very well. I want to isolate these feelings but I’m worried that I may start to hate them. What is a neutral way to handle not liking thing someone is doing? How do I not project my emotions onto them?
@enthusiasticRaspberries2327
Just speaking for myself... If I were in your shoes (knowing not only what you wrote here but also what you wrote in the other thread about this same person)... I'd think of this problem as possibly having two different spheres of activity that involve very different approaches to feelings:
1) In private, explore and process everything that you're feeling and thinking. Let everything exist and be what it is, in all of its messiness, complexity, etc. If you're feeling angry, ashamed, resentful, whatever... all of that's allowed to exist.
2) After you've had a chance to process and honor the truth of everything that's there and everything that you are:
-Decide what your goals are for the friendship. (Do you want to continue it or end it? Do you want to try to change her behavior or does that not feel possible/worth the effort?)
-Figure out what behaviors help you achieve your goals. ("What is the most effective thing for me to say/do right now that helps me get what I want?")
***
If someone really upsets me, usually I'll take some time to process everything emotionally and give myself permission to think/feel everything whatever is happening (i.e. "that person is being such an idiot, I can't believe they did that, I absolutely hate this, this situation is so disgusting, etc.")
Then after I've had a chance to let all of that exist, I'll figure out how I want to respond externally. Usually 90% of the messy/chaotic/impulsive stuff that I previously allowed to run freely through my mind doesn't find its way into what I actually decide to say. There are things that I might think (that also may very well be true!), but sharing it to someone's face often makes things worse and doesn't bring me closer to achieving my goals. Sometimes there's an inflammatory/provocative way to say things and then there's a more balanced/neutral way.