how my bpd is ruining my relationship
I know the way that I am is the cause of a lot of *** I've dealt with in the past with my parents but I can't seem to break free from the cycle and casually being verbally abusive/abusive in general to the man I love and want to spend the rest of my life with.
I feel lost in a cycle of wondering why I'm like this and not knowing where to start to fix things. I know I need therapy but I can't afford it right now. I've tried to look for other resources but I've always been afraid to be vulnerable.
but today, has been the worst day in a while and I might lose my soul mate because of this. If there are any listeners or members that want to chat with me and possibly give me advices on how to tackle this first hand, please do.
I want to be better.
@lovchels
hey welcome to 7 Cups! i'm glad you're here and this is a bump so others from our caring community can chime in ❤️ hang in there
@lovchels
Hi, that definitely sounds difficult. 😢 You care about your partner and your relationship with him, but you find yourself being abusive toward him. And even if you have a general sense of what might be causing it (past abusive/traumatic experiences with parents) and you don't like the fact that you're doing it, there's still this feeling of a gap between that and knowing how to prevent it from happening.
You mentioned feeling afraid of being vulnerable. That's pretty understandable/relatable. Feelings can be scary/unpleasant even in a vacuum, but it gets worse if it feels like having feelings leads to hurting other people--or to being hurt by others depending on how they respond to vulnerability.
Resource-wise, maybe some of the posts in this thread could be relevant: explanation of some skills typically taught in dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Distress tolerance (being able to cope in the moment with intense/unpleasant feelings) and interpersonal effectiveness (being able to navigate communication and conflicts without things going horribly wrong) might be especially helpful.
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/Resources_2667/DBTuesdayMasterpost_274756/
I'd be happy to chat with you! 💜 Feel free to send me a message, or alternatively we can continue posting back and forth in this thread.