i hate being like this!!!!
I can’t see a therapist and I can’t get diagnosed with anything, not like i want to anyways. I would like to work at establishments in the future without a huge label like BPD over my head, and to deal with all of the stigma.
i did my homework, though. I slot in with all of the key symptoms for bpd— though i’m more aligned with the quiet subtype. i think everyone i know has an idea that i have something wrong with me, or at least, extremely mentally unwell. it’s not fair that i have no control over developing this, and that i’m saddled with mental issues because of other people’s doing. :(
i’ve ruined more relationships than i can count, and i’m ruining my current one because my fear of abandonment overrides everything else, like actually maintaining a healthy relationship. i don’t think i’m able to maintain a stable sense of self either, i feel like i have many different identities with varying names and personalities (not DID). i have never seen a future for myself, but i’m getting to that age where i have to decide.
there’s so much wrong, but i’m completely at a loss on how to fix myself, all by myself. i’m trying my best!!
Hey you got this! There’s a bunch of resources for bpd online! I have quiet bpd and I find journaling helps but also look into DBT a lot of therapists use that for people with bpd! You’re not alone! And proud of you for trying ✨
Thank you ❤️ I know that there are people out there in this world that have experienced what i’m experiencing. I just bought a nice journal for myself as an incentive to start journaling. Best of luck for you!
Of course! Also I saw quite also relayed some topics with DBT and you should def check it out! I have been consistently journaling now for a little over 2 weeks and i enjoy it! Best of luck to you!
@Carbrand808
Hi there, makes sense what you're saying:
- Therapy/diagnosis isn't possible (and you wouldn't want a diagnosis anyways because of the stigma), but you're pretty sure BPD fits since it checks off all of the boxes
- Specific issues have been ruining relationships (due to fear of abandonment) and feeling like you don't have a stable sense of self
And yeah, really relatable what you said that it's pretty unfair that people can catch mental illnesses just because of other people acting a certain way. ☹️
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Passing along a couple generic links that might or might not be helpful:
Post with some tips re: fear of abandonment:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/Resources_2667/ThoughtfulThursdayFearofAbandonment_266833/
Thread with links to posts on different DBT skills that can be learned without a therapist:
https://www.7cups.com/forum/personalitydisorders/Resources_2667/DBTuesdayMasterpost_274756/
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With the fear of abandonment, how does that usually ruin relationships? (Or maybe, what's happening in the current relationship?)
Hi, thank you for taking time out of your day to respond to this! Sorry if this is long, I really like talking about this.
Whenever I get into a relationship, my brain goes absolutely haywire. My partner was hanging out with our friends instead of talking to me. Instead of talking about it, I kept it to myself bc i’m scared he’ll leave. But then, I avoid him because I’ll lash out at him if I talk to him. Now, everything is okay and I don’t even remember anything that I felt during that week.
Also, ex-gf (Fp) blocked me because i’m too unstable for her to handle, which is true. I begged her to not leave me but then I was the one who constantly left her, which was deserved, but also I hurt her by constantly coming back as if everything was okay.
@Carbrand808
Oh, I actually like it when people write a lot. 😊 I appreciate the effort/courage, people often have interesting/insightful things to say, and also it helps in terms of feeling like my responses are more relevant/useful. And I tend to write a lot myself, so I'd be a hypocrite if I discouraged other people from doing that, lol.
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"My partner was hanging out with our friends instead of talking to me"
Ah, I'm interested in understanding what the thoughts/feelings were after that when that happened. Was it sort of like:
1) Loneliness/longing - "I wish I had more time and I miss them, but I'm afraid that if I ask/express it then they'll think I'm too clingy and get rid of me"
or
2) Anger - "How dare they spend time with other people when normally they spend time with me. This is really disruptive, they should understand that I'd be upset or feel left out. But if I express these feelings toward them, they're going to be surprised/hurt/angry and just get rid of me because I'm a hassle whenever I ask for things or get upset about anything."
or maybe something else :)
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Also interested in what you mentioned about constantly leaving your ex-gf. Was it like they disappointed you or you felt like your needs weren't being satisfied?
Hey! That’s good! I try my best to match energies while writing responses to people, hearing that you also like writing a lot makes me happy as an overexplainer haha. Your writing style is very eloquent, i can tell you put a lot of effort into your posts. it’s very appreciated ❤️ i’m not fully sure how this website works yet, but if you want to chat in DMs lmk! I’ll be more than glad ☺️
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Your two statements are two parts to how my internal processing works! it’s a very very damaged way of thinking.
I say it’s just two parts, only because i’m inclined to every negative thought in general. Self-deprecation, catastrophizing, black-and-white, all-or-nothing, overthinking, etc.
To further elaborate, it’s this one thing that keeps repeating. I established that I prefer one on one conversation (i get overwhelmed super easy). He asks to spend time together but joins the friend group without asking me if i’m okay with that. If I want to spend time alone, I have to initiate it 80% of the time.
It ends up making me feel like his lesser priority, like i’m disposable, replaceable, nothing but dirt compared to our friends. Always, I will slowly fall back into my bad coping mechanisms to punish myself, or my personality switches until I get a grip on reality and I start liking him again.
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My ex-girlfriend was strange… lightly stating. Though I had it coming because of how desperate I was. I can finally admit now that leaving her was for the better, and coming back was for the worst.
I was disappointed with her lack of effort to change, and disgusted at the way she treated me. But I also loved it simultaneously, despite how toxic and unhealthy it became.
There’s this beautifully written quote that encapsulates my reasoning to keep returning; “When you are not fed love on a silver spoon, you learn to lick it off knives”.
@Carbrand808
Sure, I'd be happy to message back and forth if you like. 😊 Whatever feels most comfortable, whether that's using the forum or PMs.
That's totally valid to prefer 1-on-1 conversation and to feel like that's the setting where you're able to thrive, feel comfortable/natural, have intimate/quality time, etc. So yeah, for him to go into the friend group, it's kind of like it erases that special time you want with him. (The situation in a nutshell is that you want something from him, he's not providing it, and that's upsetting.)
Then when you you care about having that 1-on-1 time but he doesn't provide it, that leads to all of the other problems and starts the whole chain: feeling like "he doesn't care about me", maybe jealousy/anger toward the friends and him (when he seems to be easily giving them the attention/time that you want), feeling like you are less valuable than them or unworthy/unlovable, etc. Then the feelings of worthlessness/loneliness leading into coping mechanisms, maybe lashing out at him, etc.
I wonder whether he's aware of that preference for 1-on-1 time or if you've ever asked like "would it be okay for me to have some alone time with you X times per week"? (I guess there are also different ways of asking/communicating.)
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That "licking off knives" quote is so perfect. 💜 Like if you're starving, you'll eat food out of a garbage can if that's the only thing available. You tolerate anything unwanted that's intermingled if it's the only way to get what you need.
