Poetry ❤️

TW - emotional, talks about guilt and the *** of a close friend of mine

I swear I’m trying

This fear controls my life

I can’t eat, think, or sleep

It’s like I’m not really living

My thoughts have gotten too deep

I feel sick all the time

I’m sick of feeling this way 

I get sick to my stomach

And all I can do is pray

Every meal is a battle

I don’t know if I’ll make it out alive

I don’t know if I want to

But I’m trying to survive

No one knows what it’s like

But I can’t explain it or I’ll cry

Because it will make me start to panic

And I’ll feel like I’m going to d!e

I lie and tell people I’m fine

It’s easier than admitting I need help

But the truth is, I do

I really hate myself

I want to be normal

To live one day without fear

To not deal with the panic

And for my thoughts to be clear

My emotions betray me

My thoughts are paralyzing 

Like I’m trapped in my own mind

My feelings are demoralizing 

I try my best to control it

But hearing that word causes dread

Because I don’t know what I would do

I’d almost prefer to be dead

I just want to be okay

And sleep without those dreams

The ones where I couldn’t save her

They make me want to scream

I don’t know what’s wrong with me

I mean, I do, but I don’t know why

“Can’t you just be normal?”

I wish I could; I’ll try

The worst part is that it’s my fault

I deserve to suffer, to be in pain

Because I brought this on myself

I guess I’m just insane

I really don’t want to d!e

And I don’t want to be scared 

But I just can’t control it 

I need to be repaired

I want to be okay again

Please just let me be okay

Will I ever be okay?

I don’t know.