TW looking back over my life I see things I never seen

Trigger warning sexual abuse and other abuse self harm

looking back over my life I see things I never seen

small child only wanting to be loved and cared for

was that to much to ask

summer time sundress on

but what am I feeling under my butt as I sit on his lap

back then did not know but now I do know

why do they touch my body in ways that feel both good and bad

is this love or some other thing I think within my child mind

but looking back I now know it was not love at all

let play doctor my 7yr old brother say he say he be the doctor

but something within seem to say no but I was to obey him

the first time it was only him with flashlight looking at privet part

but the next time thought it be the same but it was not

cold hands touching me there and a feeling awakened within my body

looking back this was wrong and the beginning of the sexual abuse

but what is it that within a child mind this attention felt like love and caring

year flow by and within them deeper and deeper into the sexual stuff

but pain was great what to do with the emotions that came from everywhere

so the self harm started but was this the start of the self harm

what I did not know then was there many ways to self harm

but now looking back a baby in a crib pulling her hair out until it bleed

banging head on wall but no one cares at all

unseen so within that any attention felt like they care love me

but now I know none of that was love it all was abuse

so much more within the years as a child sexual abuse

physical abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, spiritual abuse

but within the child I was a deep hope was there too

I found hope and grace within God hands

a place to just be and know He loved me just as I was

years pass the child I was grow up

but then the abuse as a adult in a marriage

he fooled me into the marriage by acting one way a good way

but after married all that changed the abuse started

but did not know it was abuse as was like dad did to mom

so see now the abuse was my normal did not know it even was abuse

but the self harm started again worst then before

I only living for my kids said within

but then lost them to the government

now what alone in the abuse by hubby

did not want to be shamed and put down

but in the end ran-away from him in the night

but end up back with family and that abuse

but freedom came not long away

what now I have is no daily abuse at all

by stormie

I am the birth one in our system still scary to be out but getting less scary

thank  you to ones who read this all