Unreasonable
In all possibility lies a creature
Oh how I'd love to meet her
For she reckons without reason
So pure, but treason
What she knows cannot be
But then again, simultaneously
It's our ultimate destiny
Out of confine, truly free
It's all my mind craves
A ride beyond the waves
@cyanessence
Sorry, I hastily posted. Wasn't very happy with the original. So I refined it. I'm still learning patience and iteration. Here's the revised version:
In all possibility lies a creature
Oh how I'd love to meet her
For she reckons without reason
So pure, but out of season
What she knows cannot be
A challenge to reality
It's our ultimate destiny
Out of confines, truly free
It's all my mind craves
A ride beyond the waves
@cyanessence
I really liked both the original and the revised version. The thematic motifs of imagination, mystery, and escapism are neatly explored. There is something both longing (and maybe even loving/adoring) in the way they are presented.
I can see why you made the revisions that you did. It certainly makes the second version feel more polished, but it also changes the tone too which is quite interesting. The first has an element of dreamlike yearning and dark rebellion to it, whilst the second feels more contemplative, wistful, but grounded. Both are very good to read. Well done indeed.
@BastionKnight
Thanks for the thoughtful criticism! It is kind of based on a longing I feel in my soul, a desire to know where this all goes. I just wonder what infinite possibility truly means. What are its consequences? I think it's a little baffling, but I think it's inevitable we will come to understand these things.
@BastionKnight dreamlike yearning describes and captures the mood effectively 💜🥰
@cyanessence it speaks to me of escapism, and dreams, of not wanting to be confined, held back, labelled or restricted. Very well expressed with a quiet patient tone and texture 💜🥰
@Amanda84
It arises from this unsettling feeling that I don't have free will, which contradicts my experience of task paralysis where I feel overwhelmed by choice. I think I live in a state of confusion lol, it's kind of fun.
@cyanessence fun for sure, definitely interesting, keeps one on their toes 💜🥰
I think others have described it better than I could. "A challenge to reality", my favorite line, and kind of seems to tie it together. I like this one a lot.
@Torean
Thanks man. I wish I could be more positive now but I just can't. Means a lot though.
You're definitely in good company. I'm feeling a bit on the negative side too lately. Think I'll be alright as long as I don't let it bring down my motivation.
I posted a poem too if you wanna check it out. I think it's the only recent one that I wouldn't need to chop up or give specific tw's for. 😅
@Torean
I do really appreciate your feedback! I just had a dip. My own reality was challenged.
I'm glad you enjoyed it, I sometimes fear my stuff is too short, too simple. I have another one I'll post one day but I want to give others room. And I want to spend some time giving feedback to others as I really appreciate it when they do it for me.
For sure! And this one might be short, but it definitely doesn't seem too simple. And I like that attitude about it, I should probably be reading more that people post here. I always appreciate the feedback too, so I want to help that cycle.
Curious what you mean by having your reality challenged, if you want to share. It was hard to grasp the true theme of this poem, but I definitely feel personal associations to a couple of things when I read it.
@Torean
I'm not sure I can go into how my reality was challenged. I don't want to cause further hurt, the fault lies not in them. I appreciate the opportunity to open up but I have been processing it elsewhere. Worry not friend :) life is good.
If you look up to me while I look up to you, together we look upwards towards and beyond infinity.
That's understandable, there's a lot of things I've felt like that about. I'm glad that you're getting it processed for sure though.
Heh, your way of putting things is unique, but honestly it's precise and really cool, agreed!
@cyanessence Both versions shimmer with a surreal, dreamlike quality but the revised one flows more smoothly—“out of season” and “a challenge to reality” feel sharper and more grounded than “treason.” The changes elevate the paradoxical tone while keeping the mystery intact. Beautiful evolution. Loved it!
@azurePond
Thanks! I'm happy people are seeing the process. It is a snapshot of evolution, iterative improvement.
I'm glad you liked it, poetry is a whole lot of fun. I never expected much feedback, just enjoyed writing. I will pay it forward by giving my two cents on other people's poems <3
@cyanessence That’s such a beautiful way to look at it — a snapshot of evolution. I love that.
And I’m so glad you’re genuinely enjoying poetry ..... that joy really comes through in your work. You deserve all the praise and positive engagement coming your way and you dont have to earn it because you and your poems are already worthy. But if you want to pay it forward by sharing your thoughts on others’ poems, that’s such a lovely gift to the community. The poetry circle is genuinely lucky to have you in it <3
@azurePond @cyanessence
*seconds AzurePond's sentiment*
@BastionKnight
@azurePond
Feeling the love people ^^ I have kept my word and given feedback here and there. There is a lot of poetry though! I wish I had more time but I'm already spread thin.