[TW] Poetry by Jefferythebunny

Fire

@Jefferythebunny319 its beautiful

This is today's poem. I still have a makeup to do.

Tw: violence, trauma, sewerslide, assault, flashbacks.

Title: to my baby sister

I stand in front of the porch

Flashlight in my hand

Holding the light for you

As you walk the puppy

In the yard

In the dark

I flick the light away from you

To annoy you

But also to make you laugh

You didn't like it

I did it again

You asked me to stop

I did it again

Why didn't I stop

I did it again

You dropped the leash and came at me

Eyes flaming

I could feel it

The anger

Radiating off you

It was hot

It was strong

And it was ready to kill

You grabbed me

Put your hands around my throat

And you squeezed

Hard

And you kept squeezing

My eyes started to blur

I couldn't breathe

I felt my blood

Trapped in my skull

I started counting the seconds

One…..

Seconds until I died

Two…..

I tried to breathe

Three….

In and out

Four……

I have no clue how long I was there

Five…..

Before everything got slow

Six, seven, eight

My seconds weren't seconds

Nine, ten, eleven

More something to hold onto

Twelve, thirteen, fourteen

As I felt my world slip away

Fifteen, sixteen, seventeen

Some ungodly strength came over me

I kneed you

Hard

In the stomach

The second your grip relaxed

I ran

I ran like ***

I ran like I've never run before

Later I apologized

You said it was your anxiety

I accepted it

As this was my life

You saw I wore turtle necks

In the summer to hide the bruises

You saw how hard it was

For me to swallow

You heard how scratchy my voice was

Yet you didn't care

What you don't see

Is all my pain

You don't see how often I wish

I never fought back

you don't see me

When i ask

'Why did I run'

You didn't see

How I tried to take myself out

The same way you tried

And I failed

Just like you did

I'd like to say

That I've learned from it

That I'm over it

But just today

Writing this poem

My throat closed

I couldn't breathe

I was shaking

Again

Trapped in your claws

This time, just mental.

{TW- talks of death, blood, sh}

no title

Dont cry for me

Dont lay flowers on my grave

Dont reminisce about the days

We had when I was young

Don’t wipe your face

As im laid to rest

Dont get a drink

And laugh about

The good old days

there were never good days

Only bad

You cant reflect on my childhood days

As i was still a kid

When i exhaled my last breath

What i want you to do

As my last request

Is not to think back with tears

Or not to remember fondly

I want you to learn

Everyday was a struggle

I was drowning and no one could see

Some days i could wade in the water

Keep it just below my neck

Other days it flooded

Up to the top of my head

I couldnt breathe

Yet no one pulled me out

You couldnt see my cries for help

The scars along my arms

You never noticed

The *** tissues

Or the bandaids wrappers

I want you to learn

How to see

Beyond your eyes

I want you to learn

To think

Beyond what you want to know

Learn to see through the lies

Learn to reach out

And pull someone out of the water

I dont want anyone else to struggle

Like i have struggled

I dont want anyone else to hurt

Like i have hurt

I dont want anyone else to starve themselves

For your *** crazy expectations

Of what we should be

I dont want anyone else to have to hide

How they feel

Because they are scared of what you will do

What you will say

I dont want anyone else

To have to carry the weight of the world

On their shoulders

I dont want to see anymore

Broken bodies

Thrown into the ground

Riddled with scars

Both inside and out

Its far to late for me

But dont cry

Because next time

You’ll do the right thing

Here's my makeup poem or today's poem. It doesn't matter

(Tw- just yk relationship crap and like usual, sh, and su!c!d@l thoughts)

I bet she can smile

And her smile

Makes your face glow

I bet its the prettiest smile

That has ever existed

I bet you want to be surrounded by her smile for the rest of your life

I bet she has a nice body

And her body

Isnt riddled with scars

I bet she sends you pictures

Of her without clothes

And i bet they are the prettiest thing youve ever seen

I bet she never apologies

For stupid things

I bet youve never received a text from her

At 3 am

Telling you she wanted to die

I bet shes done this before

Shes experienced

And you don't have to worry about her

Not knowing what to do

I bet her family knows

And she brags about you

Flaunting you for all to see

I bet you don't have to worry about her

Qnd her mental state

She doesn't have panic attacks

She doesn't have meltdowns

I bet she's never even self harmed

I knew I wasn't good enough for you

Yet I tried

I tried and I tried and I tried

I know I'm *** girlfriend

But it didn't matter to you

You said I was all you ever needed

Yet now you have her

You said my flaws didn't matter

But I bet she's flawless

I just wish you would have told me

You went out to get better

I fully support you

Because you deserve the best

I just hate that it can't be me.

just a test threat? can i post anything here at allll

TW- talk of madness and panic attack

btw this is a makeup for Friday, ill also post for Saturday and Sunday and today at some point

They say insanity

Is doing the same thing

Over and over

Expecting different results

I do the same thing

Every time

And why do I expect different

I get comfortable

I relax

I stretch out for the first time in months

I breathe

I exhale

My existence

Isn't painful

For the smallest mirco second

I inhale

Exhale

Inhale

Exhale

Everything is peaceful

Then just like that

The floor is gone

And im falling

Endlessly

Back into the void

Most know as ***

But ive learned to recognize as home

Every inhale’s painful

Every exhale

Non-existent

I try

In and out

In and out

But nothings working

Eventually ill hit the floor

And ill drag myself back up

Barely making it

Ive done it a million times

But is it madness because i expect something different?

Tw basically this is just me apologizing to everyone

I'm sorry

I'm sorry to my friend

The goddess

for not being a better example,

Though I hope you learn from my mistakes

I'm sorry to my friend

The frog

For refuses to stop,

Though I hope you stop

I'm sorry to my friend

The emo kid

For not telling you everything,

Though I hope you learn to open up

I'm so so sorry to my friend,

The prince

For not keeping up on my promises,

Though I hope you learn to see yourself

The way I see you

I'm sorry to my sister

For leaving you when you needed me

Though I hope you learn that you are loved

I'm sorry to my twin

for not being there

Though I hope you learn you are loved no matter what

I'm sorry to my sheep

For not sticking around

To make sure you get your surgery, tho I hope they let you

I'm sorry to everyone else

For not being good enough

Not good enough for you

But for myself

And I hope you learn

To love yourself

The way I loved you.

I'm sorry to my brother

For never being enough

I'm sorry to my mother

For not being able to help

I'm sorry to everyone I've ever lost

For failing

And to whoever reads this, I'm sorry

I wish I didn't have to dump the last bits of my sorry soul onto you

But remember me fondly, and know you are loved.

flash back to an old poem i wrote idk this fall

TW- controlling relationship, mentions of jumping out tree (not su!c!d@l)

The differnce between you and him

you asked me why im never happy

you asked me why i get so upset so easily

you asked me why my walls are so high

why my trust issues run so deep

you asked me why i never fully trust

you asked me why its so hard for me to love

you asked me why when i do love

why does it have to be so intense

you asked me why i think of jumping out of a tree

you asked me why id think that would be fun

you asked me why do i say everything on my mind

why my mind is so random

he doesnt ask me why im hurting

he doesnt ask me why i spiral

he doesnt ask me why dont i see a therapist

or ask not to be so dramatic all the time

he doesnt tell me to shut up

he doesnt tell me its all in my head

he doesnt tell me im ugly

or that i need to take my issues elsewhere

he listens to me

he loves me

truly

and that makes me happier than i would have ever been with you.

TW- abuse, borderline torture, 9/11 briefly, and weaponry (specifically guns)

title: a monster trained to end it

I opened up a wound

A wound so deep

So covered in new scars

I didn't think it could open

Why did i

Go so far deep

Why did I open that wound

Let someone see

I talked about the torture I've been through

In vague detail

But I don't want to be vague

I want to wear it for the world to see

To see you're a monster

Sure my mom abused me

Slightly

Sure I live in fear

But you

You are a monster

A monster trained to terminate

When you enlisted did you tell them

That you tied me to a chair

That you made me watch the video

Over and over

A video of my favorite tv show

And the little red spaceship

Driving into the twin towers

Did you tell them

How you liked it when I cried

When they handed you a gun

And taught you to destroy

Did you warn them

That you used to pin me to the ground

Nerf shooter to my head

And threaten to do it

Did you warn them

How you made my sister pull it

When they taught you how to heal

Did you recognize any wounds

Wounds from beating me

Beating me with a plastic doll

Beating me with a metal pole

Beating me with your hand

Did you finally realize

How much damage you caused

I hope the sergeants ruined your stuff

Like you ruined mine

I hope you got smacked around

So maybe you would feel some of my pain

I hope you felt fear as the bullets grazed over your head

Because that was every damn moment of my life

Fear you would unalive

Do you like it

You sick ***

Do you like feeling like you are about to perish

Does it bring you joy to be able to bring others

Close to the end

You were supposed to protect me

Hold ice to my bruises

And coddle me

Not inflict the bruises

And bully me

I hope you know

I still love you

I still want my older brother

All i want to hear you say

Is the words ‘i’m sorry’

Because then all will be forgiven