The Unblinking Blackouts
TW::::::::: (and foreword)
(If you're triggered by language regarding fire@rms or negative emotion in writing, you should pass on this one. I've been questioning what someone once told me, that "I never take responsibility for my transgressions." I have tried, to the extent that I was capable of at the time, but I want to be a better person. The problem is, that though I'm undiagnosed, I seem to have symptoms that people with BPD and PTSD describe. I've felt dissociations, and I've really acted out before in irresponsible or hurt#ful ways. This poem is about me stru#ggling with that, and wanting to do better. Also, apologies for some of these words being changed. I'm making the filters think I'm in a ¢risis, not the case.)
@Jesusredeemedme2425
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The Unblinking Blackouts
Pacing like a tiger,
Salivating liar,
Gonna pull out all the stops today…
Heavy, yet all the way to the sky,
The clouds seem to turn red like wine,
Make sure this coming storm will stain…
Blackout again, or am I pretending?
I have power inside to light up the sinning.
I know if I blink, I’ll miss it,
All gone in an instant.
Come to and everything's spinning…
A precise ¢ut that won't heal,
I've grabbed the hand with cold steel,
Twisted and turned it back the other way…
Am I aware that I'm playing God?
Pull the trigg.er, hear the sh0t,
Could any vessel hold my pai.n?
Blackout again, though everything went white.
Did I let something out, or let it inside?
I paced and I laughed, and I could have cried,
Why do I feel more alive,
When a part of me has d! ed?..
@Torean
First off, beautiful poem. Well-written and deeply meaningful. It captures the difficulty of dealing with dramatic shifts.
I too have BPD and PTSD traits, but I'm undiagnosed. I simply didn't have the time for diagnosis. I'm fortunate to be getting tested for autism and ADHD.
I have seen red, acted out and hurt others, then completely dissociated, not really feeling anything. Eventually my sense catches up to me and I feel terrible and apologise. I hate that I've hurt people... thankfully, it's a lot better now. I have new outlets for my emotion so that others don't have to deal with me being unreasonable.
That last part, about feeling more alive, resonates with me. I feel very human when I make a heartfelt apology, but I'm tired of saying sorry, of making grave mistakes. It's why I take my mental health seriously and seek places like this. 7 Cups has been a rock when nothing felt solid.
One day, I may seek diagnosis. I would like to know for sure rather than relying on intuition. But I definitely relate to BPD and PTSD.
Thank you! 😊
I'm glad to have a friend that gets what it's like. I wish those things didn't happen in either of our cases, but since they did..
I'm tired of making grave mistakes too. Part of this was also my mind getting stuck on a time when I was told "Your apology is neither necessary nor welcome." ...that's when you know you've sunk profoundly low.
Same. I'm not sure how much the diagnosis matters. The meds don't help me... They did kind of put me on "Rule Out Schizophrenia". I'm kinda glad it's not a formal diagnosis on that one... Either way, it's on me to try to live a healthy and positive lifestyle as best as I can.
@Torean First of all, thank you so much for tagging me. This poem was genuinely powerful—the writing was incredible, and your word choices hit hard. There’s so much pain woven into the lines, but it’s expressed with such strength and control. If this is personal, I really hope you’re doing okay.
No problem, and I'm glad that you think so! 😁 Thank you for your thoughts, and I especially like that last part. Maybe it's my expression of these things that gives me more control over them too... Poetry is really good for that. Yeah, the poem is definitely about personal issues... I used to have major episodes when I was really low that felt almost like I dreamed it. It was mostly self destructive stuff. Nowadays, I'm doing much better, and I'm trying to stay busy with doing good things and living life to the fullest... Very grateful to those who stuck with me too.
@Torean I’m so glad you’re doing better now. Keep it that way. <333
@Torean that was wrote beautifully💖 but also so sad. Honey those things are in the past now done along time ago, and it's kinda heartbreaking to hear the hold it still has on you🙁 but understandable your bound to have ptsd from that time in your life, but you gotta also forgive yourself 💖 what you did was because of mental health it wasn't your fault, don't ever believe otherwise💖 I love you torean💖
I love you too❤️❤️ and thank you! 😊 I... Wish I could totally see it that way, but you're not wrong. I'm just trying to take responsibility in different ways. Like, by being super cool to amazing friends like you, raising my guineas to their full magical and happiness potential, stuff like that. Though, I admit I feel unfinished about some of the things I've done in the past .. hopefully I can get good closure someday.
@Torean you are a great daddy to your three little piggies💖 and a amazing friend 💖 one day I hope we both get closure from our past's, but if we do or don't we know who we are now and we'll always have each other 💖 hugs you tightly 💖
hugsss Same goes for you. And that's very true. 😊😊😊❤️❤️❤️
@Creamyyy