What about me? TW: Sexual trauma, grooming, coercion, mental health

Sitting on the shelf,

Collecting dust,

I am unseen and unheard. 

My thoughts are loud but there is no way to mute them.

Dealing with this intense feeling that

I don’t actually matter.

Feeling tolerated but not loved.

My scars are inside me,

You can’t see them.

I know I always seem like a positive bubble

But the pain is suffocating. 

I was thirteen when I was first exposed 

To the ugly reality of the internet.

I always hid away on the internet 

Kids were mean at school.

Called me ugly, hairy, unwanted… 

Sometimes I ask if they were right.

At fourteen,

I was a bus rider.

The middle school bus stopped at a secondary middle school.

One day I get a message “I have been watching you..’ from a boy.

We have mutual friends.

I find it so strange and I try to turn him down. 

Mom said no dating and I wanted to focus on schoolwork.

The boy takes a photo of me in a bathing suit and puts our initials.

I tell him how creeped out he has made me feel

And he threatens to hurt himself unless I date him.

I blocked him.

At age fifteen

I remember a boy two years my age

He wanted me.

I was waiting for the shoe to drop.

No one can actually like me.

He was so assertive and it scared me

So I rejected his advances.

Guess that broke his ego

Because suddenly I was ugly and 

He didn’t want me

Shamed me online.

At sixteen, 

I was seeking validation.

I felt like I was ugly.

I hated my body shape.

Stupid action came next

I took inappropriate photos.

I thought that was what I had to do to be worth something.

Unknown amount of downloads on the internet and horrible comments before I finally deleted them.

Still sixteen,

I met Chuck.

No one really liked Chuck.

Chuck was 28.

He was blunt and I thought he was funny.

It was summer time and my parents were too busy for me.

It went on for months

Chuck’s wife accused me of flirting with Chuck.

Chuck told me “I could have exploited you at any time”.

Chuck’s friends say that I was flirting with Chuck and that I asked for it.

Chuck gets banned from the doll site.

A month before eighteen,

Got a request on an old social media account.

Chuck.

“You’re almost legal?”

Repulsive. 

Immediately delete the account.

At eighteen

I moved in with my grandparents for university.

I find myself on an anonymous app.

Grandma stops me from meeting up with an unknown adult at a dark trail.

Grandma, you don’t know you stopped that meeting. 

Grandma just didn’t want me leaving home after dark as it was her home’s rules.

At twenty-two,

I end up committed.

72 hours.

At age twenty-three,

I met a man 11 years older than me.

I posted asking for food and he brought me food.

Alarm bells are ringing in my head

But I needed food and he came inside.

At least he agreed to leave his gun in his car.

He said he was a private cop.

I ask to stop when things get sexual

He asked if he could continue and I sat there.

I don’t stop him as he touches me.

At twenty-four,

It doesn’t matter that I told this man my limits

He gets what he wants. 

I don’t go to the police

Because I don’t want to be judged.

At twenty-five,

My safety is corrupted at work.

Work is supposed to be safe.

More than twice my age

He says sexual things to me, propositioning me, touches me.

I press charges.

Two years later

Despite video evidence

And me being willing to testify

As scared as I was

He gets nolo contendere 

And he pays 500 dollars

He’s fine,

He’s free.

What about me?

I am not free.

Last year,

Things got so bad.

Sexually blackmailed for months.

I find myself constantly thinking about all the trauma

Past and how things are never safe.

It feels like being traumatized is normal and

Maybe I’m not supposed to feel safe.

I know that I should talk 

More about this with my therapist.

God, I am such a hypocrite.

It’s hard.

Telling my therapist about all these things

It makes it more real than I need it to be.

I don’t know.

I don’t know.

I guess I am scared 

The moment I dive further into the trauma

The pain will be overbearable.