A Common Misunderstanding That Leads Couples Into Conflict
Why partners’ attempts to support each other often miss the mark.
KEY POINTS
- There are several types of support that relationship partners commonly offer each other: emotional, tangible, and informational.
- It is not uncommon for there to be a mismatch between the kind of support one partner seeks and the kind of support their partner offers.
- Learning to discuss explicitly the kinds of help that would be useful in a given moment may help partners successfully support each other.
One of the major roles that relationship partners play in each other's lives is in giving and receiving support—and quality support matters to satisfying relationships and personal well-being. Couples aid each other in a million large and small ways—for example, helping with household tasks, offering a listening ear and a shoulder to cry on, or cheering each other on towards goals and dreams.
Researchers classify support into different types to study how different ways of helping each other matter to relationships. Here are three commonly studied ways partners support each other:
- Emotional Support: Expressing concern, empathy, love, or encouragement.
- Tangible Support: Helping your partner with hands-on practical things, such as cooking a meal or financial assistance.
- Informational Support: Sharing information, helpful facts, or advice.
Each of these kinds of support meets a different need—and couples often run into a mismatch between the support one partner is seeking and the support their partner offers in response.
Mismatches in Support
One common mismatch in support conversations occurs when one partner shares about something causing them stress, sadness, or frustration, and the other partner responds by jumping in to “fix” their problem—or offering suggestions to that end.
When someone opens up about their challenges, they are often seeking emotional support—to be heard and shown compassion in their current struggle. Thus when the conversation turns to “fixing” the issue—via tangible or informational support—they may feel emotionally invalidated.
Complex Constellations of Feelings and Needs
People have a fundamental need to feel like they can make their own choices and competently act upon them—we maintain a sense of empowerment by calling the shots in finding our way through our own struggles, so long as the issues we face are reasonably within our scope of influence. We can therefore feel somewhat belittled, rather than supported, by advice we did not seek out.
Being Explicit About Support
Being clear about the type of support you are seeking helps your partner to better show up for you. No matter how well partners know each other, they can’t read each other's minds—so be specific if you know the kind of support you need when reaching out. Perhaps you know that you could use a hug and emotional validation, or perhaps you would like your partner’s advice."
Read the full available article on Psychology Today
Reflection: Do you agree these three misunderstandings can lead to a conflict or would you add something more?
#Conflict #Support #Feelings
@professionalVision2624 This type of misunderstanding is very common in couples as they take personally the fact that they may not be able tosupport you and therefore make you happy. Taking this into consideration, a simple talk can talk this issue since both parties are driven by love for each other. Being clear with your partner and sharing your needs is very important. We shouldn't be selfish and expect them to do it all by themselves. So the conflict resolution is just one small but important talk away! Thank you for the great post!
@calmDew1576
Mhhhh <3! Communication is key to avoiding a lot of conflicts! Self-awarness is also a great thing to practice in relationships. Thank you for your comment!
@professionalVision2624
I can definitely see how these three can lead to a mismatch.
It's important that couples communicate and let each other know how they can best support each other! 💛💫
@innateJoy9602
Yes! That's really important. Communication is the baseline in every relationship and needs to be healthy and effective in order to both clear missunderstandings but also avoid them
@professionalVision2624 Misunderstandings can lead to disagreements and conflicts, that is why I think being able to have good communication with your partner is very important.
@comfortableNight4463
I agree! A really good way of looking at it! Thank you for your comment!
@professionalVision2624
Those are good examples of how the WRONG support tends to lead someone astray ..... the fix it mode when you only need a person to listen ...... or the wrong attempts to fix for example a spouse who offers to cook for you but they cannot cook to save their life ..... how do you tell them nicely ....
while there are serious considerations to letting your partner know .......when i try to communicate it only causes more issues........it does become frustrating when sometimes you expect a long term partner to KNOW. I believe in communication but when i have to give a play by play to a partner ... they are NOT much of a partner.
@toughTiger6481
I agree with you! A wonderful perspective and it seems like you have a healthy approach to how to build a strong and solid relationship! And the mistakes to avoid as well!
@professionalVision2624 thank you for sharing! This is very helpful
@spectacularCandy789
Thank you so much!
