Eight Questions for Understanding and Healing Resentment

"Disconnection and resentment are a perniciously vicious cycle. Reconnection must begin with empathy for and understanding of resentment, not in categorically labeling it as a “bad” emotion.”

To help a person bearing resentment on their journeys, the therapist (or friend, partner and community member) has to first empathically connect with the whole person, including their woundedness, resentment, and bitterness. Resentment makes it hard to connect – but if we can connect to the vulnerability, the loss, the unfulfilled need, the grief, and the pain underneath the resentment, anger, and bitterness, we can actually meet the person where they’re at, so to speak, and begin the process of healing.

Resentment sometimes reveals a propensity to split and blame, and can feed jealousy, competitiveness and antagonism. Resentment might also be a necessary split in a hostile environment, to protect one’s identity or preserve an important memory or sense of self against a threatening, unempathic, and subordinating environment.

We are still quite irrevocably wired for connection. A new experience of relatedness with ourselves and others will quite naturally ease resentment. But with that new experience must come a deeper understanding of the causes of harm, and commitment to non-harm, human dignity, respect, allyship, and compassion, for vulnerable populations and for our own vulnerability.

I don’t think resentment is always totally resolvable in one’s own head. Therapy, relationship, and cultural learnings are necessary. But when you feel resentment, you might ask yourself these eight questions:

1. From what wound does the resentment spring?
2. If the resentment could speak, what needs does the resentment wish could have been filled?
3. What do you wish could happen to resolve your resentment?
4. Is it possible to forgive? In other words, can you conceive of letting go of your own bitterness, grudge, and resentment, but not necessarily the wish for accountability?
5. If you can’t forgive – can you be merciful?
6. Can you at least offer yourself self-compassion for carrying this difficult emotion?
7. What work in the world could you engage in to ease the causes of resentment, in yourself and others?
8. How might you value all of yourself, and hold this wound with care, so that it doesn’t impair your growth?"

Read the complete article available at Psychology Today!

Reflection:

Have you ever felt resentment towards someone or some situation? If so, what would your answers to the questions above be?

#Resentment #Healing #Relationships