Psycom: 5 Things You Need to Stop Telling Yourself if You Want to Improve Your Mental Health

"When you feel anxious or stressed out, your brain is tempted to cut corners for self-preservation. One such shortcut is the “must” filter. Musts are beliefs that we have about how the world should work and how we should behave in it. They are nice little boxes into which your brain tries to cram every event, but the reality is that these “musts” tend to not be accurate or rational. They ignore the complexities of the human experience for black and white truths. Here are a few common “musts” to watch out for when you start to worry.

1. I must be loved by everyone at all times.

Many self-defeating thoughts and behaviors stem from the expectation of total and unconditional acceptance. Though it is incredibly human to want to be accepted, loved, and praised, when you are constantly adjusting your actions and reactions to achieve this desire, you start to lose your sense of self. Try focusing on your own values. What actions create self-respect? How can you be kind to others rather than simply seeking out their love?

2. I must be successful at everything.

Setting yourself up for every behavior to be perfect can inspire fear and anxiety. You’re also more likely to procrastinate when your expectations for yourself are impossible. Often, the most successful people have failed numerous times and embraced their flaws. Rather than being paralyzed by perfectionism, consider how your life can be full despite and because of your limitations. To fight this “must,” be careful not to make generalizations when you do fail.

3. I must be upset by things I fear.

Today’s world makes it easy to endlessly obsess over your worries, especially with 24-hour news networks and social media. You get caught in the loop, assuming that the second you let your guard down or focus your mind on something else, you’re putting yourself in danger. Obsessing, however, is not the same as examining. Often when you examine the nature and reality of your fears, you’ll find that you can either face them or accept their inevitability. Acceptance doesn’t mean surrender—it just means focusing on what you can control rather than what you can’t.

4. I must avoid all conflict.

In life, we will all encounter people with whom we have conflict. Facing conflict head-on by seeking to understand can seem impossible at first. But communication is a muscle that must be flexed to achieve a calmer and ultimately happier existence. The better you become at being thoughtful and articulate in times of uncertainty and stress, the less that interpersonal drama will bother you in the long run.

5. I must have control over everything.

Much of what happens to you in life is because of sheer chance. Consider how you can still enjoy life and be resilient despite the roll of the dice. You’ll recover more quickly from negative events, and you’ll experience less self-blame and guilt. Ironically, it’s the acceptance of uncomfortable and uncontrollable moments that gives you more power over your emotions and reactions. When you embrace the nuances of your humanness and the world around you, it’s amazing how much more fascinating life becomes."

💬 Are the expectations you have for yourself preventing you from being happy? Does any of the “musts” apply to you?

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