The Best Way to Comfort Someone When They’re Sad

“A limited yet growing body of research suggests that one of the most powerful ways to support someone is also the simplest: Start a conversation.

Words play a powerful role in shaping people’s emotions because humans are such a social species. People’s brains are finely attuned to information they get from others, and they’re “constantly using it as feedback to change their behaviors and responses. Other people care a lot about what we think.

But the words we use to comfort others matter, as some forms of verbal support have been found to be more helpful than others. In a small study published on Dec. 8, for instance, Ms. Sahi and her colleagues found that people consider validation — phrases like, “I understand why you feel that way” or “That sounds very hard” — to be especially comforting.

Other forms of feedback, such as helping someone recognize that things will improve or encouraging a person to see the situation from a new perspective, can help too, research suggests. “Different strategies meet different needs,” said Karen Niven, a professor of organizational psychology.

Here’s a research-based guide for supporting friends, colleagues and loved ones in times of need.

Validate their emotions.

One consistent finding from the research is that telling people they shouldn’t feel so bad typically makes them feel worse. These kinds of strategies backfire because they imply that the person’s feelings “might be inappropriate, or that their emotion might be more intense than the situation calls for,” Ms. Sahi explained. It inadvertently sends the message that they’re overreacting, which, paradoxically, only makes them more emotional.

In their new study, which involved two experiments, Ms. Sahi and her colleagues asked 318 people what kinds of feedback from others they would feel most comforted by after experiencing a conflict with someone they knew (a fight with a friend or roommate, for instance, or feelings of betrayal). Validation was the clear winner. Participants said they found affirming comments like, “I can imagine that was difficult,” to be more comforting than other kinds of feedback that tried to help a person change their thinking about the problem, like, “Try to see both sides of the situation” or “Try to focus on the glass half-full instead of half-empty.”

“When people hear you and they say they understand you, you feel trusted, you feel cared for, you feel connected,” Ms. Sahi said, “and feeling connected to other people is extremely, extremely important for us.” Because our ancestors were more likely to survive when they were members of a group, the desire to be accepted by others “is a survival instinct that we’ve had embedded in us,” she explained.

Help them strategize (if they’re open to it).

If they’re open to it, talking through how to overcome a particular hurdle or repair a conflict may give an upset friend or colleague a sense of control over their situation, Dr. Niven said. This can help ease their emotions and even potentially resolve the issue entirely.

Yet not everyone is receptive to such an approach, because it can feel invalidating, Ms. Sahi said. So first, listen to how they discuss their situation, she said. Researchers have found that people give cues as to what they want based on the words they use. If they focus on their emotions by saying something like, “I feel like they don’t care about me,” they are probably only looking for validation. If, on the other hand, they say that they wish they felt differently, or that they want to know how to solve a problem, then they are “inviting you to help them,” Ms. Sahi explained.

Remember that it’s the thought that counts.

Although it can be hard to know how best to help someone, Dr. Zaki emphasized that we should be confident that our attempts will be appreciated — even if we don’t know what we’re doing.

In other words, what matters most is not that you say the right thing, but that you are present and trying to help.”

Read the full article on The New York Times

✨Takeaway: According to experts, the best strategy depends on the situation and the individual. However, a small but growing body of studies indicates that striking up a discussion is one of the most effective ways to be there for someone!

✨Reflection: How would you prefer people to comfort you?

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