Poem i wrote (I love yo be hated)
He made me feel like I was loved like no other person normally would.
And he hated me.
Do I love to feel hated?
Maybe it gave me something to feel.
What is my definition of love?
Someone who does not ignore me.
Someone who doesn’t treat me ***
so that I break up with him,
so he doesn’t have to.
Someone who does not destroy
what has already been demolished
and built back up with hard work and dedication,
even if it’s still flimsy.
Is my definition of love unreasonable?
To me, it feels unreasonable.
To me, my definition of love
feels hopeless, lonely, devastating.
Why did I love him though
I love so easily,
but love is also what breaks me.
What is your definition of normal?
It has a different meaning to everyone.
My definition of normal
is someone I want to be,
in another world.
When I don’t fulfill my own requirements of normal,
I see myself as an outcast,
as weird.
Is my definition of normal unreasonable?
To me, it is.
Why?
Because it’s something I will never be.
I tell myself over and over
that I don’t meet my own requirements
of who I should be,
instead of who I truly am.
It gets engraved in my memory.
I can start saying that:
I am beautiful.
I am strong.
I am nice.
I am valid.
I am kind.
Or even: I am ok.
But I don’t believe myself.
I’m lying to myself.
I’m a liar.
If someone else says it to me,
I don’t believe them either.
They think I’m not listening.
But I am.
I am watching the people who give off joy
and copying them.
I am becoming them
so no one sees my pain.
I am screaming on the inside
because I am losing what little
I have left of myself.
Now that I don’t have him,
I don’t feel a thing.
I loved him.
He hated me.
This is what hate does to a person.
I’m broken.
I’m not made to be fixed
from this constant feeling of loneliness.
“Don’t say fixed,” they say.
“Don’t say broken.
You’re not broken,” they say.
What am I, then?
“You’re human,” they say.
But I don’t listen.
Even though there is no one left
for me to hate in myself.
I still feel the hate.
But—
I love to feel hated.