Middle school was the first time I tried to be honest
about who I was. I came out as transgender, hoping the people around me would
understand. Instead, the friends I trusted turned on me. Rumors spread through
the halls for almost two years — rumors about my identity, my religion, and
things I never did. It got so out of control that the police showed up at my
house because of lies people told about me. They accused me of things that
didn’t match who I was at all.

People even claimed I talked about hurting myself, which
wasn’t true, but it was enough to bring officers to my door. I laughed and
joked with them because that’s what I do when I’m scared — I hide how I
actually feel.

The worst rumor was the one that cost me every friend I
had. People said I had done things in the locker room that never happened.
Losing everyone over lies like that changed me. Even when the rumors finally
faded in 8th grade, the people who pretended to be close to me wouldn’t even
look at me once we got to high school.

During all of this, I started smoking in 7th grade and
quit in 8th, but people used that to make their stories sound more believable
saying I did more hardcore things - things far beyond the truth.

As I got older, my relationships became complicated and
often painful. Some people manipulated me, pressured me, or used threats to
control me. Others made me feel like my identity didn’t matter or like I wasn’t
enough. I was vulnerable, and people took advantage of that.

Online, I got into situations I regret now. I didn’t have
good boundaries, and I was dealing with stress, loneliness, and confusion. Some
choices I made back then still make me feel ashamed, even though I didn’t fully
understand myself or what was healthy.

Then In 9ths garde I started smoking again and met
someone I cared about deeply 2 years ago — I’ll call him Apple. He became
really important to me, even though the relationship wasn’t healthy. He
influenced some of the coping habits I’m not proud of including sh on myself
after he talked about hurting himself if I left him or if he did not believe what
I said, and even knowing that, I still cared about him. I still love him.-2/17/2026

Eventually, everything in my life started piling up. My
parents found a burner phone, found drugs I had, and learned about Apple, and
things blew up at home. Due to that, I went into an outpatient program to try
to get better. While I was there, Apple and I decided to take a break so I
could focus on myself.

But during that break, I met another guy in the program.
I told Apple about him — I didn’t want to hide anything — and after that, Apple
slowly drifted away from me. I could see it happening, but I didn’t want to
admit it. I still regret how it all unfolded. I want to message him
everyday-2/17/2026, I even remember opening a fortune cookie that said
something like “cherish the relationship you have,” and I didn’t listen. I wish
I had.

The new guy ended up pulling me into another cycle of
manipulation. He pressured me, threatened me, and tried to control me
emotionally. He talked about hurting himself, talked about exposing things
online, and used guilt to keep me close. It felt like reliving something I had
already survived once.

There’s also someone I see every day who reminds me of a
situation from my past that left me feeling guilty and disgusted with myself
for what I did with him and his dad walking in. Even though I didn’t have the
support or clarity I needed back then, the shame still hits me whenever I see
him. It affects me more than I want to admit.

I am 16 and in 10^th grade. I’ve struggled with
drinking, drugs, body image, and other issues. It’s a lot to carry, and I know
I still have a long way to go. But I’m trying. I’m trying to grow, to stay
healthy, and to understand myself better. I’m sharing this because I want
someone to understand where I’m coming from and why I am the way I am.