(fan work of haikyuu) How I Lost Him

I can't really decide on a satisfying title in fact...

I had been a fan of Wakatsu-san since the first time I watched his match. What appealed to me were not only the way he hit with his entire body, leading to blocks being easily broken through and making conventional receives near impossible often resulting in the ball going out of bounds, but also the way he could adjust himself to the ball set badly and in an awkward position, which was a great skill for my convenience. That was why I chose Mujinazaka High.

“My name is Usuri Michiru. It’s an honor to be a setter here.” I said to the team when I met them for the first time. They welcomed me politely but perhaps a little insipidly, possibly an illusion out of my awareness of my ordinariness. My self-introduction was followed by the ones of Hondo and Bishin, both in my grade.

I knew I was one of the normal volleyball players who would never be able to successfully negotiate the rough way from nothing to something, while Wakatsu-san was a talented and powerful player bound to be a famous professional one in the future, on whom I couldn’t help leaning while he was always trying very hard to live up to our expectations. Anyway I had something in myself that made me qualified to be a setter to play in the matches with Wakatsu-san. My teammates admitted that I was very analytical, observant and manipulative. I enjoyed playing mind games and was capable of planning many steps ahead. I often managed to alter the opponent’s condition in game with my planning.

I was used to leave the school with Wakatsu-san in the evening and his house was nearer our school. We talked mainly about volleyball, sometimes mixed with other topics. The night sky over us was dark and serene and the illumination from streetlamps and houses made our shadows visible. There would be a much larger world waiting for Wakatsu-san in the future, and how much time left could I spent with him walking and chatting at ease just as good friends?

I was content with being his setter and friend, but when the first time I saw him being confessed to, something further started to grow inside me. Wakatsu-san didn’t look attractive, but his ability and personality seemed to make up for his disadvantage in looks, which was why some students had crush on him. He even found love letters in his locker and I advised him to just throw them away. I couldn’t understand why those students thought they had the right to confess to Wakatsu-san, some of whom were even unfamiliar with him. Fortunately, Wakatsu-san refused all of them, because I didn’t think they deserve his affection at all.

However, why was I still upset? I always tried not to think about this and concentrated on playing volleyball. I liked putting the ball up for Wakatsu-san and conveying my encouragement and admiration to him. What perturbed me was only a piece of cake compared to the burdens he was withstanding. I was sure no one was aware of anything abnormal with me.

I was jealous of those who had the courage to disclose their affection after I finally identified what was burgeoning in my heart. I usually felt free to express myself in front of him but it was something I was not yet prepared to reveal. I thought it was because we were too familiar with each other, which seemed a kind of balance that I didn’t dare to risk breaking. In other words, I didn’t want to risk our friendship.

I once read stories about raccoon dogs online. They were not good at digging caves but they needed to hibernate, so they entered the caves of badgers while the latter were asleep. Raccoon dogs woke up earlier so that they started to eat earlier, and when badgers woke up there was little food near the caves. Badgers dug airways for they to breathe in hibernation, and some raccoon dogs even blocked them so the badgers were suffocated to death and the raccoon dogs could eat their corpses. Raccoon dogs were at a disadvantage when fighting with badgers but they were able to compete against badgers in the battles of living.

Therefore, I started to appreciate the raccoon dog and it became my favorite animal. Some people thought it was vile and evil but I never thought so. What’s more, it looked lovely and chubby, and it could wag its tail when happy.

I sent Wakatsu-san a stuffed raccoon dog as a gift the day before he attended the graduation ceremony. I summoned up all my courage to confess to him. He replied, “I have been thinking about things in this aspect in my free time since the first person confessed to me. I am sorry that I prefer being single, but I find myself unable to feel any necessary attraction.” However, he agreed to keep the stuffed animal.

It was incredible that he still felt bad about his refusal when I was going to graduate from Mujinazaka High. He came to my graduation ceremony and we took some photos after it was over. The spring in the campus was beautiful, with cherries and crabapples blossoming everywhere, causing us to smile in nostalgia. I made up a decision in my mind, which put me at the edge of crying but I couldn’t let him know it.

I prayed for his forgetting me after we said farewell to each other, my eyes stung by tears spilling out. Although it sounded absurd, I did know my wish came true in my dream that night. Then I disappeared completely from his life.