28 divorced and confused .. help?
I'm 28. Divorced my husband 1 month ago. We've been together and best friends for the past 8 years. Was Married for just 1.5 years. I found myself unhappy romantically. He's the most kind and caring person. He would always love me and always care for me. We had a perfect companionship. Loved the same things and to the world looking in we were perfect. Over time I began to lose the ability to find passion and desire towards him. Our friendship was perfect but our romance was not. I'm a loyal person normally and never cheated before. But I have kissed two people while drunk partying and the. Developed a relationship with a coworker. I'm basically a piece of shit but I'm aware already so please not hate. Trust me no one could be more disgusted with my behavior than myself. I divorced my husband because I couldn't give him the love he deserves and it wasn't fair to either of us to live like this. Now I continue to see my coworker. I love him I think but he's got his own issues. He's everything I want in the passion department but the companionship doesn't even come close to what I shared with my husband. Tonight I lay alone crying and confused. Have a ruined my life? Will I have someone again as sweet as my husband? But I also know I need passion and I couldn't seem to find it with him 😢 any advice or story sharing is welcome. I also fear I'll never forgive myself for cheating.. it eats away at my soul everyday.
@tragickitty I don't have any experience with married life (I'm 22) but I will still give you my opinion about it.
In our societies, we often split in two the time for passion (before getting married) and the time for commitment (after).
The thing is : they are complementary.
If you feel like one of them is lacking (and if you need both, because some people don't need passion), it is almost sure that there will be a problem later on.
Your ex-husband was probably the bestfriend you couldn't even dream of, but you were probably not physically attracted to him (or at least not enough).
You shouldn't have cheated, that's for sure, and you probably did it because you didn't had the courage to talk about this issue with your ex-husband.
But don't blame yourself about it too much, because it happened for a reason. Imagine yourself staying with him while you always need something else to fulfill your desires : really toxic, right ?
But don't go into the opposite excess : you will find men that will only want to fulfill their desires but won't be ready for commitment.
I think the key for you is to find your balance between both, and also to be patient : don't throw yourself in a relationship because you're scared to stay alone forever.
Communication is the key : listen to yourself and never hide anything from your partner.
Hope my message will help you a bit !
@Theodora514 thanks for your message. I appreciate your input and a lot of what you've said is entirely true.
@tragickitty Glad if I can help ^^
@Theodora514
Hello ,i reading Maturefriends, and now your story ,but its a story ,je pensais que le feu de la passion était immortelle c'est plutôt un amour rare ,qui ne peut s'effacer, avec un souvenir un détail qui donne cette force qu est la passion.les autres amours sont plutôt fragile et peut-être plus facile construire .pour aimer il faut être deux ,avec passion cela ne change rien ,elle est et restera. C'est celui que je préfère, peut-être il ne c'est pas pardonné, qu importe tant que l'intensité nous porte de lavant par bonheur, je pense cela.
Give some kindness.
@tragickitty
you guys were together for a very long time and it's not uncommon for people to think getting married was a mistake. That's why they call it "the seven year itch." Maybe you guys can consider couples counseling and working towards getting back together if you both want to save your marriage.
@helpfulPond3973 we went to counciling as a couple and I also went alone. Unfortunately it didn't help :(
@tragickitty
As people have said, it's not uncommon for people to have regrets about marriage. It seems like you have an idea of what you want in a partner, you just need to find someone who meets both those requirements. I think this is something a lot of young people make the mistake of. If you are seeking relationships it's good to have that best friend attribute but it's also VERY important that both parties find each other attractive.
Luckly for you, you realized this early on. You're still young, you're 28 not 58, it's not too late to find that person even if your co worker doesn't work out.
@tragickitty it's important to forgive yourself. I have and it feels better. Each relationship must have balance and we should be elvating each other. It is not fair to if one is and not the other. I have a coach who has helped me see things I have done in my relationship based on false beliefs we put on ourselves in youth. My husband has done the same and I can't continue on anymore. I am in self reflection mode and changing false beliefs. The hardest part for me right now if divorcing with kids. Feeling lost on steps to take.
I’m sorry you’re going through this! I am too, but somewhat differently. I’ve been married to my husband for 15 1/2 years. I have always been able to get aroused by him, though he’s definitely been less than attractive at times when he gained weight. Sexually, when sex happens it’s enjoyable physically for sure. BUT the deep emotional and best friend connection has never been there to the extent I need it to be. I just have never lived him enough and for sure not as much as he loves me. So you and I both have SOMETHING MISSING in our marriages. Someone mentioned the 7 year itch but things really do change when you’re married you can’t really count the years you weren’t married I don’t think. Forgive yourself for cheating. I’m religious and I get it—mistakes are made. I got close to an emotional affair but the other guy is honorable enough that he only very limited replies. Anyway! I’ve been debating over divorce for 9 months and will probably decide to separate in the summer and then divorce when I can after that. I am ready to be alone or to one day find someone who is what I want and need. Think about the love you can give to someone: you have to be able to give your full heart and body. If you can’t do that, probably best no to be with the person. You’re asking if you’ve ruined your life, not whether you should get back with your ex husband right? There ARE things that cause loss of passion and desire like hormones, medications, birth control...something to be aware of. Everyone is going to have regrets about divorce even it they think it was the eighth thing to do. If I go through with my divorce, I know I will have so many regrets. BUT—you can’t force yourself to love someone. That’s what I’ve learned.
