5 years+ / Engaged / Confused / Toxic

We met on tinder, and he said I loved you on our 2nd date - 3 months after talking online - and this was before I knew what love bombing is.

The first 2 years were rough because I didn’t took us seriously and he was always testing how far he could go before I would speak up. Sure, we had our ups and downs, multiple times where we left each other on read because neither of us liked confrontation and neither of us wanted to break up. But we got better - lesser silent treatments, lesser break ups over trivial matters, lesser raising of voices.

On the 3rd year, he proposed. I said yes. Our wedding was to be the following year.

Fast forward to the 4th year where we promised we would save up for the wedding before beginning any wedding planning. I did save my half (we were always 50/50) and he kept saying his half was coming. The middle of the 4th year; he confessed - he took up several loans to pay off his bike hobby. It was in the 10s of thousands. I was disappointed but saw the setback as something to make us grow stronger. I held on and supported him whenever I could.

5th year - he worked hard and cleared all his loans (with my small help) but no where near any savings for our future.

At the same time, I was close to getting evicted. In my country, rent is very expensive and I have a humble salary to only sustain myself, and buying a home requires being married or being above 35. I needed a home and wanted to start a family because my mother (in her 60s) was already depending on her youngest (as her other children have left and didn’t want to take her in) so I felt rushed to get married. He understood my situation and said he’d worked harder to save money faster.

Week after week, there was no savings despite him working 2 jobs. I was confused - where is his money going to? We had an argument - I hurled nasty comments and rude remarks. Silent treatment ensued on both ends. I still don’t know if he has any savings.

I’ll be lying if I said it just was about financials. It’s been 3, close to 4 years since we had a date night. My mind telling me I was being understanding and patient - after all, he has been there for me at some of my toughest breakdowns.

We haven’t talked in over a week. I looked back at what I said to him and I’m troubled over myself - never thought I’ll say such hurtful things to him.

Am I the toxic one? Are we too toxic for each other?

Is there any hope for either of us to be together?