Abrupt Proposal
Here is my story. I have dated an amazing woman from another country for about three years now.
She is a visiting professor of art. Her stay here would be limited without sponsorship.
It was mostly great aside from concerns about our futures.
Then, out of the blue and without warning everything turned upside down.
At the end of June I took her and her friend on a camping trip that I had promised them.
It was a good night and morning and I thought things were getting better for us. We were
checked on by a Ranger.
Exactly two weeks later one morning while at her place She said that she needed to talk to me.
She said that she couldn't be my girlfriend anymore because that Ranger had asked
her to marry him. He said that he would help her with her art career and move to wherever
she wanted to live so she could do her art and go to Sedona with her, (which Is what we were
going to do before she met him). The truth is, that all this is more than I could do for her being
a poor guy with family problems. But I loved her and still do.
At first I couldn't believe it. It was so abrupt. In time, as I realized what had happened I was
overcame with depression and anger. Depressed because over losing a great connection.
Then I would get angry that she would visit a guy one time and abandon a long
relationship with a good connection. That she went on a coffee date with him while I was working the
4th of July weekend. That he had the audacity to propose to her over a coffee date and say he
could make a better offer than her boyfriend (whom she informed him about)...
that she has the whatever to agree to get married over a proposal during a coffee break...
Its all mind boggling...
She justified that she had asked me to marry her many times and I wasn't ready and she was
running out of time. She won't get many more semesters teaching and she has lost her job
in her home country and she truly needs help. It's true that I am not yet completely ready to marry her.
I intended to marry her and was almost ready before this abrupt news. I DID plan to marry her.
Losing someone that special that quickly is hard enough. What is more difficult and complicated
is that she says she still loves me but will love me as a family member. She says is my "big sister" now.
She wants me to keep in touch with me and know I am doing well.
I am very confused. I enjoy hearing from her as I love her but then I remember she is not
my girlfriend. Also, frequent contact is not appropriate with her anymore. If she no longer loved
me or only wanted residencey it would be easier. But knowing that she wanted to be with me
but had to move on to survive is too hard. I believe that she did what she had to (at least in her own mind).
I hope she really does have feelings for that guy.
I don't know what to do. I deleted/blocked all of her media and phone accounts except for my
gmail so I would not be tempted to bother her. She was very upset.
She asked me to restore all her contacts and stay in touch.
I am just so confused and disoriented. That all this happened so fast.
That I am supposed to entertain someone who loves two people.
That I need to further contact with her as I try to get over her.
That I will not have a future with the best connection of my life.
I have never been so depressed. Trying not to cry in public.
Struggling with tempting self destructive thoughts.
Wanting to still love her after what happened.
Please try to consider her motives and struggles before judging her and giving me advice. Thanks.
@convivialRaspberries444
It sounds like she took Ranger's proposal, because she wanted to be with someone. It sounds like she wants to keep you around, as sort of the "break in case of emergency" situation. If something goes wrong with the other guy, then she still has you available to help her and be there for her.
Given that you two had a strong relationship, friendship really doesn't sound like the best option for the two of you. It's only going to exacerbate the pain that you're feeling and you're always going to wonder "what if?" and that is probably not the healthiest option.
The best thing, in my mind, is to cut off ALL contact with her and start on your own healing process. To keep in contact with her isn't going to be healthy for anybody involved and while the relationship with her and the Ranger may not last, you may have dodged a bullet. If she jumps to someone that quick, what would happen if you two ended up together?
In the end, you have to do what's best and healthiest for yourself. My thoughts are that you should concentrate on starting the healing process and helping yourself through the grieving process.
-@JoshLlama
@JoshLlama
That's what I normally would do, though strangely she seems coherent about this abrupt decision and says she intends to stay with him.
I thought minimal contact would be best. We are interested in similar field so if she can inform me of opportunities I would not mind.
Everyday messaging isn't appropriate or helping me get better. I do need some contact for closure because this all happened so fast
but afterwards I will not contact her for a while. She is honest and open with me, even if its bad news so I am confident I will get the answers I need but I am aware I need to move on soon.
@convivialRaspberries444
Update: I finally got closure to this, though it is complex.
She has the challenge of loving two people and had to choose one exclusively for romantic love... and who could provide a better future. It is hard because she is also the best friend I ever had... I could tell her things I never even told my therapist. I was not cheated on. He made an offer and gave her a window to think about it and she decided he was more appropriate. I am preparing the no contact now for a long time untill I am stronger. I have cried, sobbed every day for over two weeks. I could find another girlfriend if I wanted to. Losing my best friend is the hardest part.
She loved two people but could only choose one. It was a once in a lifetime connection and too short.
A true broken heart.
@convivialRaspberries444
Yeah she is coherent. Me, and her girl friend both asked her one last chance to go with me but in vain. I am glad she is happy...
but our only concern now is control issues... to be expected from such a fast mover. He will probably be good to her, but we have
made sure she is aware of the resources to go to if it goes sour. Such complex emotions: Heartbreak, never wanting to see her again, missing her and worrying about her... when will it end!?