Abusive?
Hi, I recently broke it off with my boyfriend of a year and a half because everytime he would get upset or drunk he would start calling me mean names and bringing up shameful things from my past. About 3 months ago he agreed to do therapy to work on his anger management as it was effecting our relationship but stopped shortly after starting saying it was too expensive, too time consuming and not something he needed because he wasn't broken. I have suspicions he was stepping out on me or at least trying to. I found a lot of girls onlyfans snapchat accounts on his phone when I was going to send a pic I had taken to myself from his phone and a bunch of other girls. I just feel really weird rn. With any relationship we had both made a lot of mistakes but we had worked through them up to this point and the rest of our relationship was pretty stable and healthy. I have come a long way in my mental health journey and being with him has pushed me backwards. The depression has slowly crept back in and I'm having more bad days than good recently. I feel like his outbursts are to blame and his never ending reign of "control" over my social media and interactions with my friends. I am not really sure how to get out of this relationship in a way that is good for me.
@forcefulWest3035
If he were willing to stay in a program that helped him with his behavioral issues, lying, cheating, and being abusive - where there would be significant improvements, would you stay?
A major issue, in this case, is the fact that he isn't willing to commit to the program and has openly admitted to you that he doesn't have a problem... when he clearly does. However, recovery or therapy of ANY type first requires the person WANT to change, acknowledge their issues, and admit that it's negatively impacting people around them and even themselves. However, that is not what he's done. To me, it sounds as if he entered into this program to show you he was willing to change, then made up excuses and justifications and left - but, didn't improve at all.
The post that you've made here is actually more of a cry for help. That is how I read it. According to what you've written, you state that you're becoming more depressed, dealing with anger issues, emotional and mental abuse, and on top of all of that he's an alcoholic.
Perhaps things could be different between you if he was able to get the help that he needs, but also made a hard commitment that he's going to see it through because he not only knows he needs the help but wants to change for the better. His actions need to meet his words, and they simply do not at this time.
You have a right to be treated with respect.
You have a right to happiness in a relationship.
You have a right to being with someone that loves, cares, and shows it.
You have a right to be free from someone who abuses you.
However, all of those rights are only realized if you take the first step and not only admit that you deserve better, but put action behind those words and make changes that are necessary for your physical, emotional, and mental health.
Whatever his issues are... not your worry, concern, or issue. He will either deal with those or he won't, but that isn't your responsibility. It's his. Also, you cannot fix him.
The change is hard, I get that, but in some cases very necessary to preserve yourself.
If you cannot do this by yourself, find a support system. AA has a side program specifically for people who are with alcoholics called Al-Anon - that helps people deal with partners and family members that are impacted by abuse and alcoholism. You can reach out to family, trusted friends, or find support groups. Regardless, you do not have to be or feel alone in your quest to move away and cut ties with a toxic relationship.
The thing about toxicity is that it acts as an infection. If not treated promptly, can infect many areas of your life and cause such things as anxiety and depression. When we cut ties with someone that is toxic, we move to a complete black-out mode, because excuses and justifications are no longer warranted. It's true, he had the ability and time to change, but he not only opted out but admitted to you that he doesn't have a problem at all, with anything. You cannot convince him otherwise, because a strong desire to change must come from within.
I wish you luck and a positive path ahead.