After 9 years of marriage we are heading to a possible divorce...
We lately have often discussions about seperating and divorce. My husband told me that since I have mentioned this a couple of times in the past, he felt he emotionally prepared himself for it when it might happen, because he believed I could just leave him any moment. Now the time has come that we both are starting to feel some tension in our marriage like we never had before, and we even decided to take a break from the intimacy, besides kissing and hugging eachother. He told me that even if we are seperated, he still wants to be able to have a good connection with me with no traumatic divorce experience like most couples have and he wants to remain in my life as a support, friend and father of our daughter (but then seperated), but still having life projects together. He also told me that even if we don't share any intimacy, it is just a simple aspect of our relationship and the respect we have for each other is much more important. For now, he is asking me for some space and giving him a peaceful environment and simply see how it goes and how he will feel about our relationship. We have a 2 year old daughter together and I'm in the point where I'm confused about where we are standing and where we are heading as a married couple. I seek advice and just simply wish to feel better about everything.
Hi @nmorgana
How are you and how are things with you and your husband now?
You didn't tell what made you want to divorce but sounds like you both still respect and care for one another which is sounds wise and mature.
Thank you for your reply @ouiCherie, I honestly don't know what to tell you about our current state, since there hasn't been any discussions between us since then. I can tell you that I still don't feel secure nor happy about our marriage.. It's a feeling I can't really describe well, but it's as if it will break down any moment. This might be the anxiety playing with my mind, but I'm still uncertain about how I'm feeling and I'm just thinking what is the best for the both of us. For example, I'm currently unable to tell him that I love him and am more self-reserved. I also don't really dare to talk about our future together, simply because I can't imagine it anymore with our current situation. We still respect each other a lot, but on the other hand I feel there's a certain distance growing between us and that fears me. My husband used to tell me that he misses me when he's at work or tell me he loves me, but this has been lessening over the last couple of months, especially after our last discussion that took place a month ago. I know he still loves me in some way, so it might also be me who is overthinking, but the love he is showing is starting to be more like a friend. I'm afraid we are going in that direction and am currently preparing myself for it when that happens. I simply wish for us both to be happy, ideally as a married couple, but if it won't happen, I have no other option than to accept it. My reason for divorce was because I didn't feel happy about my life in the current country I'm living in. I actually moved away from my home country to be with him, but I'm starting to find my way of living here and I think it was really hard on my husband to keep me happy all the time.
@nmorgana Hi, there, I thought I was reading my own story when I saw your post! I have been married for 22 years, and I was living in my husband's home country which I still do not like after so many years! I told myself to wait until my child is older, I convinced myself that I could still live my life peacefully despite not being happy about this marriage.
In my case, he has very different sets of priorities in life. Have you tried telling him what you envision a marriage should be? Do you think anyone one of you is willing to swift a little to meet in midway? As long as love is not worn off by constant fighting, there is still some hope. But love can fade away if you dont see eye to eye for too long, I hope in your case it is not yet too late.
Hi @yuwil, thank you for your kind reply, it was encouraging. Have you found peace with yourself in the end? And what where the priorities of your husband? I hope you did find your happiness in the end after those amazing 22 years. For now he has requested me for some space and a peaceful environment, mainly because he has an important test coming up that will certify his profession. I do not wish to take him out of balance because of my selfishness. I have told him what I wanted for my marriage and he has given me his reasons why he wasn't able to fulfil my needs, which appeared to be logical in the beginning, but after time passes by, I'm starting to have my doubts again about our relationship. We don't have issues such as contant fighting, on the other hand, we don't have arguments at all anymore, and I wonder how healthy that is for our relationship.. Because it actually might be possible that we are both trying to avoid it, at least I am. I truly hope that the love we have won't fade away, but only time can tell. For now, I promise to give him the space he needs so he can focus on the things he has to do and after this ends, we'll have to make a decision what the outcome of our marriage will be. Till so far, everything seems to be fine, we joke around and have normal conversations, but there's less intimacy between us, unless the alcohol plays a roll... 😅 Sometimes, I feel I'm getting mixed signals, because I simply don't know how he truly feels about me and our relationship. It might be me who is overthinking, but I'm already at a point where I don't even dare to say "I love you" anymore, because I'm afraid of getting hurt in the end, so I don't want to give myself false hope and believe things are going fine, unless I'm certain about this.
@nmorgana Hi there, a supportive relationship takes time and efforts from both sides. I guess your husband at this point prioritizes his time and energy to his career. Give him some time and only time will tell.
After 22 years, at this point, divorce or not I do not care so much anymore. My husband has an average 15 hours working day, work half of the weekend at home, rarely had dinner at home, used to travel for business almost every week. If he does have some free time, he spends it on his fun activities like going to rock concerts or sports. He has not cheated, and he is not gay. He said he wants to be a good family man, but he does not have the time.
Should I ditch such a guy or not? Maybe, but for now I am focusing on myself, trying to enjoy life and not havig too much self-pity. We never know what tomorrow will bring. Good luck!
@nmorgana
adjusting to new country, marriage and a toddler at the same time sounds very tough *hugs*.... and it's indeed tough for your husband as well to see you unhappy.
If he still wants to be friends and not much different than current situation, that means you will still live there I suppose...
What about what do you want?
What are feelings associated with "not happy" in this case?
Thank you @ouiCherie ❤️ I simply wish to find my way to happiness. Ideally together with him, and if not, I just wish for us both to be happy and possibly find new love if we can't work it out together. I'm currently doing better living here, but on the other hand it might also be related to what I'm currently feeling about our marriage, so I'm more focused on the current events and the anxiety is playing another role in it as well. My husband wants me to stay in the country, because he believes I can be happy here and also because he can and wants to continue supporting me here.. I did spend my 9 years living in this country and have built everything here, so I would lose everything if I go back to my home country. Besides all this, I wouldn't want my daughter to be affected by this, since she's such a happy girl and I would like to remain things this way.
@nmorgana *hugs*
I hear you. As a parent, we want the best for our kids ♡ and I'm glad you've been adjusting to live where you are now. All the best for you morgana! 💜
@nmorgana,
I feel you.
Talk to your husband and propose professional relationship/marriage counselor. Tell him not you want to save the marriage (although that might be true), that just might push him away. Tell him that you want a professional objective outsider to help you two (and hence your daughter) how to move on.
@dukeofdearham, thank you for your advice 🙂 I would love to take that solution, but he's not willing to.. he told me that he doesn't want to find ways to "save" our marriage, according to him it should just go naturally and if his feelings about our relationship doesn't change over time, it just happens. I unfortunately don't have control over his decision and am helpless in this matter, since I do feel that it is a bit one sided in the end.. He already has his ideas planned if things don't go fine and we seperate, such as keeping our family foundation and being able to spend time as a family with daughter, it would be like how our life is currently, except living seperated. He wants to maintain a good relationship with me, even after separating. The idea is to make the most minimum changes to our current life and make the divorce as less traumatic as possible.
@nmorgana,
feels to me something happened that caused to disrupt communication, and neither of you brought it up.
Relationship or marriage counselor doen't mean by definition that you are trying to save a marriage or a relationship. My wife and me do counseling too. Our marriage is basically over, yet my wife wants to try to rebuild, no guarantees. I told her I understood and respect her, and that yes I still have hope, and that that is my problem, not hers. I would really sit down with your husband, tell him you respect whatever he decides, and that counseling would aim at working towards a mutual friendship.
Hi @dukeofdearham, thank you for your reply. Yes, you are right, something did happen that have made us reach to this point . My husband is not bringing it up, because he doesn't want to have more stress in his life. At the moment, he mainly wants to focus on an exam that is coming up to certify his profession and has requested me for some space, by giving him a peaceful environment. I think as his wife, it is the best I can do for him.. He told me that when he finishes this stage of his career, we'll decide what is the best for us both, whether it is living together or seperating. As for me, I don't want to take him out of this balance due to my selfishness and make things worse than they already are. In our last discussion he actually has told me that he would rather divorce than having heavy discussions and a stressful environment.. I could not go against his argument, since I do think that he is right. Reading your story, I think you both are more committed into the relationship than we are. I wish my husband did see things the way you do with your wife, though unfortunately it isn't like that for him. He doesn't want to include a 3rd party in our private life and he is never eager to take advices from other people. With the little time he has besides his work, he would rather spend it on something else that can ease his mind than hours of counseling.
@nmorgana,
I understand. You could wait until your husband has finished (and hopefully) passed the exam. Just a thought, have you ever told him what you admire about him? Like his dedication to the exam? It's often little things that can make a huge difference. If not, do so on a daily basis (like once a day). Counseling will not take hours a week. It is an investment that will benefit both of you, and, more importantly, your daughter. You would like your daughter to not be impacted by whatever happens. A relationship or marriage counselor can help both of you to build and maintain whatever relationship that comes with respect and understanding. Again, wait until the exam and then have a serious talk with your husband, mentioning your daughter.