Almost regretting a necessary breakup

My partner and I had been together for almost 5 years.

It is possible we developed a traumatic bond.

After a very rough beginning, they actually had made an incredible effort to try and stop their abusive behaviour. However, some little things remained (maybe unconsciously?). As well, I have been protecting them and keeping secrets to their/my family because they felt persecuted and had an addiction problem. I believed I was helping, that’s what they wanted.

The thing is I can’t handle my studies, having a job while financing their very chill life, apparently being « forgetful » and « not finding the motivation » to do essential things like looking for a job while always demanding more efforts from me. All of this mixed with constant pressure, texts and arguments. I have spent savings and my parents pension to make their life the most comfortable possible so that they could feel at home, safe and thrive and find motivation to do things they struggled to do. I’ve been on edge for years and really hate the person I am becoming. I have gradually become more and more unhealthy too. I’ve lost my patience and get angry easily. I suppose this is a short mix of the reasons why I recently decided to end our relationship.

On the other side, this person was my best friend. We had an amazing connection. I truly believe they understand and regret what happened. They used to always mention being ashamed of themselves. They are now are asking for more time again. However, I do not want to give them more time. I also believe that them asking me for more time only is to secure me (make sure I don’t see anyone else) while they get on their feet, find themselves (I suppose it could take years?). Besides, I’m pressured by family members who want to take matters at hand if I go back with them.

I wish there was a way… in the future. But I am also terrified this is wrong from me to want this and that being together again will bring up bad memories, or a bad behaviour.