Always First to Leave
It seems like I'm always the one who has to leave people, for my own mental health. I get attached to people who have a lot of problems, people who are not stable. I don't know why, but I never notice that there is something off about them until it's too late. It's like I was born under some unlucky star that causes me to get close to people who treat me like shit. They treat me badly, and I'm always the one who ends up saying "I've had enough, I don't feel anything for you anymore." But each time, I feel so much guilt, even though I know, in my head, that this is what's best for me.
It's not like I made a relationship with these people hoping it would fail from the start- I grew to care about them, as friends or family or romantic partners, and I wanted to be happy with them. I did my best to be kind with them, I accepted a lot of shit. But in my head, I realized at some point that being around them was making me miserable- even if my heart hadn't quite caught up yet...that they hurt me a lot, even if it wasn't on purpose. I'm always the "dumper", never the "dumpee". And I feel like other people don't appreciate how hard that is. It's hard to be left behind by someone you cared about, but it's also really hard to admit that you no longer care about someone you used to love, someone who claims to still love you. And there are so many examples where people try to paint the "dumper" as the bad person. For not caring, anymore. For not being able to muster up the energy. But if you'd been surrounded by toxic people, wouldn't you want to cut them loose and be honest with them, rather than let them believe that there was still something worth salvaging? I would.
Sometimes I have thoughts like "Maybe if I'd just done this" or "Maybe if I'd tried harder" or "Maybe I was just being overdramatic" or "Maybe I'm being selfish", but no matter how many times I think that, it does not resurrect the feelings that have died in my heart. I cannot bring myself to feel for these people who have made me feel bad, even though I know that they are not actually terrible, not truly terrible. Even though I know that they have problems too, and I'm not perfect. Maybe I'm just spinning things out of proportion...
It just hurts so much, always being the first to leave, feeling like I need to leave people who treat me badly. Realizing that I don't care anymore. Always thinking "Maybe, they still care about me" but knowing that I can't bring my heart to feel anything for them. Worrying that someday they might show up at my door, because I don't love them anymore...I'm afraid of them. Knowing that there is an unbalanced equation at work, that they might be pining for me, and I wouldn't even care. Am I a horrible person? Am I a horrible person for not caring about their unresolved feelings?
@Evenstar8 I can relate to a lot of what you said. I left a verbally and sexually abusive relationship after letting it go on for nearly eight years. The other person claimed to still love me and said things which triggered my guilt at leaving the relationship. It was not until I did counseling that I even realized the things he had done were abusive, and until then, I felt "over-dramatic" or as though I were wrong to leave. If you're miserable in the relationship, then you aren't being dramatic or overreacting. And it takes a great deal of courage to act in one's best interests. When someone is unkind to you, it is difficult to get back the feelings you may have had for them initially. I experienced this in a big way, in my relationship. So I just want you to know that I don't think you're wrong in any way, and I can appreciate the pain of being the dumper and not the dumpee. You'll get better at understanding which people drag you down and which ones build you up and have the wisdom to choose more harmonious relationships after your experiences in these... just don't give up! Lots of love.
@CompassionateGirl90 Thank-you, I am glad to know that someone understands how it feels and that it can get better.
@CompassionateGirl90 Also, I am very sorry to hear about that experience and I am glad that you managed to find the strength to do what was best for you!
@Evenstar8
I don't think you're a horrible person. You are very strong, kind, empathetic, and sympathetic. It's very easy to fall for people with these traits, and those with these traits have an easy time getting along and being accepting and patient with others because they understand and probably hope for the best or see the best potential in people. However, people with these traits are also not push-overs or meant to be trapped by toxic people and their overbearing needs. Everyone can get pushed too far and everyone should have a cut off boundary where their self is more important than others. This isn't selfish, it's natural and important and healthy. Of course it's exhausting to have to be the strong one, the one taking charge of not only someone else's mental well-being but one's own. But you are strong, and self-aware, and you can start surrounding yourself with people who are similar.
@Evenstar
My goodness can I ever relate to this one! I have also always been the 'heartbreaker'. And you're right it's not easy. They are always so madly I love with me and cannot understand my decision then they just blast my name to all their friends and family and I get so much hate mail saying how could you lol. People don't get it. It's true when a heart breaks it doesn't break even. There's usually never an easy way to let someone go. You're doing what's best for you. It's your life you gotta do what makes you happy and avoid things that don't. If they don't understand that then meh. We have to be a big selfish. We really do. Because it's our life. Our only one. We gotta be happy ❤ were not here to please the world or to stay with someone because we feel bad for them.
