Break-up aupport
I’ve been dating a guy for 20 months and he recently ended the relationship. We were both very much in love and were looking to buy a house together, where we could merge our families and grow old together. I am absolutely devastated that he has ended the relationship - we were friends for 10 years before we got together, he helped me get over my marriage breakup from a year previously and was providing useful advice for my divorce (he has been through a divorce already). We both got on really well with each other’s kids. Everything seemed perfect. Yet he decided his mental health could not cope with his job, his kids, his life and a relationship. So he ended it. He still wants to be friends though.
I am really struggling to understand how he can throw away our future together, the plans we made, and our love for each other. I feel completely abandoned and really scared for my future. I don’t do well on my own. I am seeing a counsellor, but I was wondering if anyone could provide some logical advice based on experience, for how I can move on.
@Leopold57
Given that you had talked about so many future plans, I can understand your devastation. I can also see why you would be struggling with his decision. Break-ups in general are challenging. I am glad you are seeing a counselor, as they may be able to help you process this. I having a good family support system behind you, is helpful in these times. As well as finding some distractions. For instance, hobbies or interest. I wish you the best in your healing journey<3💛💫
@Leopold57
Leopold, if it's any consolation, I have recently had a rather intense breakup with my boyfriend. I completely understand where you are coming from. I can tell you some of the things that have worked for me.
1. Broken relationships come with baggage. Examine the relationship from every angle, accept it for what it was, then let it go. Broken relationships come with their own unique baggage for each person. Kick the junk out of your mind. Sadness, regret, and disappointment are some common emotions you feel right away. Then there are the deeper feelings of hatred, fear, shame, and embarrassment that can incur into your thoughts. Whatever you are feeling, give yourself time to examine them. Accept them for what they are. Then let them go.
2. Sometimes we think we have found "the one" for us. This can make us think that there may come a day when they may return. Doing this can make you linger on thoughts of this person instead of preparing to move on. If either one is not 100% committed to the relationship, then it is usually just time wasted as the person not totally invested in the relationship will eventually find a reason to leave.
3. I've found my friend network was invaluable in helping me overcome this failed relationship. Even family can be a support vehicle for you as you navigate through this. Their appreciation, support, and patience were invaluable to me at that time.
4. Don't spend time with the person who broke up with you. That is self-defeating the entire reason you are trying to move on. You want to protect your emotional wound from anything that could cause further harm. Being friends immediately after being involved in a relationship just delays your emotional recovery and moving on from it.
5. Write down everything you would want to say to this person. Explain how you feel when they broke up with you. All the feelings, anger, and expressions you had. Imagine having a conversation with this person; give yourself permission to vent your emotions to this person. It can be very cathartic.
6. Forgive yourself and the other person. Don't carry around the bitterness inside you. Allow this baggage to flow away from you. You can take back your life or allow the person to keep you in angry tension. It's up to you how you want your life to proceed from this point on.
7. Recognize that there is someone out there for you who will see the qualities you possess and want to be a part of your life. This may take some time; don't rush into anything. Give yourself enough time to be with just yourself. List the qualities you have that you know would be a plus to someone in your life. Be who you are and trust yourself to know when the time is right.
I hope this has helped you in some way.
xandia❤️
@xandia,
I feel your pain.
Sometimes people have to choose for themselves. That doesn't mean they don't love you.
Like my wife (we are seperated) once wrote me, "I love you, and I love you too".
She filed for divorce, it broke her heart but she needed to choose "her" first.
A way to look at it that helped me is that she acted out of genuine love, for us, me and herself.
We still love each other, we are soul mates, two souls that met and merged. But she can't live with me. Unresolved issues,, and I am too close, too confronting.
Having said that, you never can tell. But do not cling on to the past or to hope. Spend alone time, for as long as you need. You'll know when you fully start being self.
Take care, and I admire your friend for choosing him while making a hard decision.
Oops, my comment was for Leopold57.
@Leopold57
It really makes sense how hard and maybe even confusing this may seem , it's obviously not easy to forget and move on especially when we set expectations, feelings, and plans , It's great news that you're seeing a counselor though ! that's a clever decision indeed 🙏
I noticed you're asking for advice on how to move on ,
well ... I think you gotta give yourself time to heal , to feel things !
It's ok to be sad for a while
especially after such a relationship
but after feeling the pain , we got to accept what happened and try our best to carry on with our lives , to understand that this relationship is a chapter of your life , not the entire book !
I can clearly see he could choose what suits him best ,
will you be able to do the same for yourself ?
what's the decision you gotta take to lessen that pain ?
will being friends with him make your emotions settle , will it help you heal ?
or , will it keep you stuck in a circle of overthinking ?
It's ok to be sad after such a break up, It's ok to feel grieve , disappointed maybe or feel like this isn't fair , that you did nothing wrong to deserve that , and you are absolutely right about it , let yourself feel it , let your emotions out , maybe by talking to a person you trust in your life , or talk to listener about it on 7 Cups !
, but remember, this won't last , you won't always feel this way
sun will eventually shine , and we'll try again
believe me , each day that passes makes forgetting and moving on easier , take it one day at a time , and please don't lose hope !❤️✨
you're an amazing, a clever, and wise person for trying to reach out for help , this is actually a very important step in moving on ,
other things that may help you move on may be :
- writing : write about that relationship , use a pen and a paper , express your feelings to the extent , write the things you want to say to that other person ( but please never send that to him or say it actually to him in the face ) , remember all the remarkable situations that happened in that relationship ( the good and the bad - and yes there are always bad things that are also worth to be remembered - )
- start a new hobby or learn something new ( maybe something you once wanted to do and didn't have the time , now after breakup I guess you have more time for yourself )
- Give yourself the love and acceptance you were expecting that other person to give you maybe by doing things that give you positive vibes - it may be listening to music , watching movies , playing with kids , some kind of sport, yoga , meditation , reading , dancing , playing video games or whatever that activity that gives you positive energy is 💜
And remember ,
you deserve to be loved , appreciated , that your feelings get considered and respected 💕
May your heart finds peace and opens to life and its unlimited chances again 💫
