Break up, letting go and the need to have an isnight into relationship

I apologise for so many mistakes. Just re-read this and there is no option for editing it.

x

@bambi1993

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. Theres a few things i would like to point;

I'm new on here and I have been struggling a lot recently so I thought this group would help me to go through my emotions that i am experiencing right now.

A little info about me: I'm 25 years old and I have depression and anxiety for which I take sertaline. My ex partner is 21 years old and we had been together for 7 months. We have sort of a long distance relationship, since he is based in the army about 2-2.5 hours away and he comes only for the weekends. (Long distance relationships can be tough, the most important thing is to always put personal growth as a priority because certain issuss you two have from the past will intensified and then you both will trigger each other)

I apologise in advane for such a long post but I want to describe everything accuretly.

So... me and my ex worked pretty well. We treated each other nicely and we rarely had big issues. However, there are always the sme sort of problems appearing which leave me feeling down and feeling like i'm lossing this battle.

There were few times when I had told him that when he always prioritise other people, their feelingds , needs and plans it makes me feel unwanted and unloved. (This tells me you are feeling disconnected from him, and trying to express how you feel with him as a way to connect with him emotionally) We had view rocky situations due to this when I thought I just cannot be with someone who cres more about other people than their partner. (Theres something here he is doing thats making you feel this way like perhaps getting complacent, but also they are certain things that are triggering from your past Thats playing a role here) After which he always said he is sorry, it was just a stupid mistke cause he is young and inexperience in relationships, that he loves me and i'm 'the one' and that he won't do the same mistke again, that he wants to change and wants me to stay and help him change that and so on.... (I feel he got triggered here, felt anxiety and thoughts of losing you so he started apologizing and promising things. Anxiety is the root of desire, he felt this here)

Yet.. sometimes a week or 2 weeks goes by and he does it again which really hurts cause i did believe his words and that he genuiely understood why it hurt me. (The way he didnt follow through with his word would obvioisly make you feel upset, which is reasonable anr justified. I do believe something is triggering from within you, it could be because growing up you didnt feel important and that othet people got more attention you so this will trigger in your relationship. Its justified how you feel, but they are things going on the unconscious)There were like 6 situations like this in which 3 times i broke up with him because I just couldnt deal with the fact that his action shows otherwise. (This breaking up part can be quite unhealthy, specially when is done often like this...)However, after each time he was saying how much he loves me, , and all that stuff i mentioned above. Of course i love him a lot that's why i found it hard to let it go and try hold onto those words he says to make it up. Excuse my language but every time he does it it really f***s my head up. Because on one side I can see he has done absolutely nothing to address that issue/ try to change it and again when things go bad he says he loves me and he wants to change and wants me to help him with that.. (Its understandable how you feel, it can definetly be frustrating)

I just don't really understand why someone who supposedly love another would keep making the same thing and keep hurting them (well you keep taking him back very easily without having prove to you that he is willing to change, so he doesnt see the need to change) and then 'washbrain' them to go back with them. (He is not doing any brain washing since you keep taking him back even though things has not changed)And since you have feeliins for them, you always end up going back to them.

Our main issue is that he refuses to akcowledge my feelings, he ignores how something makes me feel. (This tells me he has a dismissive style, which means he will often dismiss his feelings and then will do the same to you. This will cause you to feel disconnected from him and then it will trigger your anxiety, you will end up doing everything you can to pull him closer such as breakups, lashing out, perhaps yelling. You requires closeness and feelings to be acknowledged while he prefers distance and is uncomfortable with feelings)

Although i do understand in every relaqtionship there will be some problems, but how can one make a relationship work if the other ignores your feelings because he doesnt see it as a big problem. (He probably told you something like "ita not a big deal" or "why are you making such a big deal about this?" Which will cause you to feel disconnected and your anxiety will go very high because he is not properly listening...)

For example. For his 21st birthday we were supposed to all go out with friends, have some drinks at his house and then head to town..

About a month before his birthday I reminded him to invite people so they can make sure they are free and can come. So we were going though a list of people who he wants to invite and I know his ex gf is a friends with a couple of his friends (one of which is a very good friend to him). So I said do u want to invite your best friend and his gf, the other friend and his ex, as well as i suggested a few other people who i knew he used to hang out when he was younger... and he said yes I will invite my best friend and his girlfriend or if she cannot come then he can bring a friend.. The rest he said he doesn't want to invite since as he said 'they are not really his close friends' and he wants to have the closest people around him. Which is fair enough. (It sounds reasonable, however i can tell he keeps people at a distance out of fear of closeness)

The week of his birthday we had another breakup which we managed to sort it out at the weekend. (Okay this breakup part its starting to sound like your way of forcing a reconnection and to get him to do what he wants. Its a plead for love....)While we were talking he asked me if I'm seeing my friend on Sunday to which i said no and asked him what's his plans. He said he is going out with his best friend. And that was that. And i just felt like his best friend supposed to go out with us on saturday and i just couldnt get how it all changed so i asked him and he said that his best friend couldn't do saturday only sunday. And i remembered that when we were inviting his best friend he said for sure he will be there, just to give him a date and time and he will be there to celebrate with him. So I was thinking how his friend could change from this to actually not being able to do it on the exact date. So i asked my bf at the time if he is okay to show me the message exchange because I just couldn't get it since he didn't give any reason. (This situation with the friend sound suspicious however i could tell you don't trust him, You felt high anxiety and you asked to read the messages to soothe your own anxiety)He showed me agroup chat which constsited of my ex, his best friend, another friend, his ex, and a girl he kissed in the past. So I started to read that exchange in which his best friend said- (addressed to my bf) which day are we going out? Saturday or Sunday ? I don't mind which day but I can only go out once since i'm on the budget. (This shows he said a lie here, which means something lead him to this decision) Then there were 2 other messages from his ex and the girl he kissed. #One of them said, I cannot to saturday so I can do only Sunday, and his ex said, Matt please can we go out on Sunday. And that was that. When I questioned it and said u didnt change your birthday night out because of your best friend but because of those 2 girls. (You can correct me if im wrong, but i feel that jealousy, anxiety and fear of abandonment are the actual reasons of why you said "u didn't chabge your birthday night because of your best friend but because of those two girls". I believe you felt high anxiety, entered an emotional meltdown and then mentioned that statement.)And it's something I don't get since i asked him a month before his birthday to invite them (Im going here based on what i seen as a listener, I believe you get anxious when people tend to forget things they promise you, so in here you asked a month in advance out of anxiety)and he said no... However as he is always defensive in that sort of problems he said no, (His defensiveness comes from his past, he cannot properly handle the way someone questions him so he gets defensive because he loses emotional self control and his insecurities take over) it wasn't because of them, it was because of his best friend.. and he couldn't care less if his ex would be there. So I said to him, I could actually see in the message written black and white that the only people who couldn't do saturday is his ex and another girl.. (Your anxiety is really high right now, you are feeling disconnected and you are saying things to soothe the anxiety. He is doing a major mistake in getting defensive when you feel anxiety, because you will feel even more disconnected. He has to stay calm here, but you are both triggering each other) But here it was like talking with the wall cause he kept saying he changed a date cause of his best friend couldn't do on saturday and then changed that to his best friend wanted those 2 girls be there so he txted him 'privately' to say he would prefer sunday. However, my bf was unable to show me that. (He is making a mistake by defending himself here instead of trying to understand where you are coming from. His communication needs work, and its important for you to learn how to soothe your own anxiety)

Of course we had a big disagreement bout this, (You both have anxiety, so you two are triggering each other)of course if i had a problem with girl i wouldn't have suggested to invite her in the first place, but also seeing him trying to make me believe that he changed the date cause of his best friend which clearly in the messages exchange that was not the case, frustrates me a lot. So I tried to ask him to understand. (True, but you also tried to soothe your own anxiety and i could tell theres some trust issues inside of you. I could tell he is dismissive and might say white lies to avoid the other person from getting mad) He said things like we weren't together so he changed that etc etc. Well we weren't together for like 4 days... And when we sort of sorted it out and went back together (This is a fake breakup, a plead for love and to get him to do what you want. Its not a good idea to keep doing this...and then you take him back very easily, how he will change if you keep doing this?) before his birthday he said to me that 'of course if he knew I would come he wouldn't have invited her'. For me this is something no one should do or act in a relationship because it'd very disrespectful. I told him why does he feels like seeing her when i wouldn't be around but when I'm around and want her to be with us he refuses.. (I can tell the trust issues, the anxiety and fear of abandonment are taking over here. I do understand why you would question this though, i do find it suspect as well)I just don't get it.. Since I said I have no problem with her so there is no reason of thinking we i don't like her etc. The worst part is he cannot see anything bad in this situation, nor what he said to me. but the fact is i felt hurt by this. And is very frystrating when the other person makes it as you are making sa big deal out of nothing.(True is very frustrating...i have been in your position before and its quite hurttul...) His stepmum even suggested that maybe I am too insecure or my anxiety plaied up.. And I just couldn't believe how both of them are so ignorant. (I believe you two go through anxiety so it becomes tough to find mutual understanding) Please correct me if I am wrong. But I always thought in a relationship you should listen to each others needs and feelings and act accordingly to make the other happy. (True, however it depends on certain things. I can tell he won't be able to properly listen and give you empathy because of his dismissive style) When my boyfriend was for example upset with my action, I wasn't defensive, i just listened and the enxt day I acted accordingly and never done that again.. (Im proud of you for doing this, it shows you are able to handle things on a mature way, however people with a dismissive style like him will often not find fault on anything and often say things to push you away so they feel the space) But with him it always feels like I am not allowed to feel hurt/ upset if he thinks what he did/ said wasn't bad.. if he thinks what he did is okay then I have no right to be upset and that's all.

Another situation from 2 weekends ago. We went all out, me and him at that point were dancing, having good time, and one of my friend was dancing near us and then she went onto chatt with someone else. He then pushed me and said go and make friends like person her (my friend).(This is just rude and disrespectful) And I was so shocked cause we were having fun and dancing with each other so why would you need to push me to do something else while I'm happy where I am and who I am with? (Its hard to say why he would do this, but i believe it was his way of pushing you away)

At thast point I said to not touch me and that I'm going to the loo. Wanted to have some time. When I went back downstairs he wasn't there but my friend was still there, so me and her ended up having chatt. About 20 min later he comes and throws at me my jumper (which he had with him) and stormed off. (This shows he doesn't have emotional self control, tried to make you feel bad and then threw a tantrum because you didn't do what he wanted. Its childish and manipulative behavior) I felt a bit fummililated cause there was many people around us and ended up picking a jumper from the floor.

Then he completly ignored me the whole night. (The typical silent treatment...he is doing this make you grovel and apologize. Its manipilative of him to do. He felt mad because you didnt do what he wanted to he started to punish you with the silent treatment) I felt very sad at that point nd ws left alone by everyone so I decided to not to go into a club and sit somewhere outside since I was so upset. (Good idea, you needed some time alone to compose yourself after how he treated you) 2 hours later sitting by myself and getting cold I thought I will just go inside to find them since we had about an hour to our taxi back.. I ended up making a new friend with a new female since I only could see my female friend with her boyfriend dncing and I didn't want to disturb them. While me and my new friend were talking I noticed my female friend's boyfriend just run out of the club so I thought I better go and check up on her cause it's not something they would do.. So I went to find her and that's the time when i see my bf for the first time cuddling, comforting her and not leaving her along. (Oh no...this is definetly not cool...)After like 10 min she asked me if me aqnd her can go and dance as we used to do it. Which I did. I know she is my bestie, but it reaslly hurt me when my boyfriend was liturally punishing me the whole night, didn't give any monkeys how I feel, where I am, if I am okay, and here he was so lovely and affectionate. I just don't get (That's normal it made you feel unimportant and hurt when you saw that)

Then when me and my best friend were dancing i saw my bf stnding near by and i felt bad, because i wnat him to have a good night. So I called him and he made a sour face and nodd his head for a no. (Its a bad idea to try to talk with someone who is giving you silent treatment. He is doing all of this because he is mad and for atrention)So I just went to him and grabbed his hand and said lets go dance.. (You are trying to force yourself upon him, this will push him away..) So 3 of us were dancing at that point, however we had to leave shortly. When we left the club, he didn't hold my hand nor apologised, nothing.. (This is a type passive-agressive behavior, and withholding affection as a way to punish you. This is what he learned from his family, and he always uses indirect hostility) all he cared is to sort my best friend and her boyfriend... In the car I told him that I'm glad to see him being more concerned about sorting their issues rather than ours. (I could tell what happened earlier bothered you, so you are using a certain situation to bring up what happened. I believe this comes from anxiety and not being able to resolve certain issues with him, so it escapes this way) and he ignored that. (Of course he would, he pushed it under the rug like he always does)Then my best friend got absolutely crazy and started to kicking off and also calling me names. My bf did nothing. (This kind of shows how much he cares...)My best friend told him to shut up. Dunno if I am expecting too much but even saying mate you are drunk, don't call my girlfriend like that.. but he did absolutely nothing..

We went back to mine and I knew I will have to talk with him on sunday, I needed to see what he has to say about the whole event. On sundasy afternoon I brought the conversation and told him how i feel. He said to me, that he doesn't understasnd why i acted the way I acted cause he didn't have any bad intention in pushing me to make new friends, (Pushing things under the rug, minimizing the situation, distorting reality and making you feel as if you are the one with the issues...its so annoying communicating with people like him) so i said why push me to do something if we were happy at that point, as well as i addressed the rest of his behaviour through the night to which he said i was drunk, (Oh really? You see how he tries to minimize the situation? And avoids responsibility. This is how he will always be sadly...)you shouldn't take me seriously when I'm drunk. (Minimizing the situation again...he will often do this and then youll get high anxiety because he isn't glistening) And the worst part is he doesn't understand that what he did was not nice, since he thinks 'he didn't have bad intention', and he was drunk'. (Its his way to push the situation under the rug, in his mind you are making a big deal about this even though you have a right to get mad...) It feels like I am in the wrong (His dismissive style will often make you feel like its your fault or going crazy, but its him trying to minimize things)and I shouldn't feel hurt by his action on that night. That's the time when I knew I have to break up with him..because every single problem comes due to his action, he cannot accept that i have different values than him, and different things can hurt me and he ignores my feelings and get all defensive. (True, its frustrating and hurtful dealing with this) Then he keeps messaging me that he loves me and all that usual stuff. (He takes you for granted when he is with you, but then goes above and beyond for you when you are away from him.) Yet does nothing. liturally nothing.. He is capable of not talking to me for days, capable of not putting any effort to make things right, or make it up. yet he stills tries to tell me he loves me and all that stuff. (People like him will promise the world to you, but if you let them in without earning you back then things will go back to the same thing over and over again)

Despite all of those situations, knowing what a relationships is like by looking at his actions I still feel stuck and hard to let it go because all of those words he says. (You should always go by people actions, not their words)

It feels like he sort of expects me to run after him but I know if I do it again he will always know he can get away with anything, (He just cannot handle closeness so he backs away, he knows he can get away with it because you let him in easily without proving to you his change) don't respect me and don't give any monkeys because he will know I will always go back to him because I love him.

I would be very grateful if someone could give me a new perspective on all of those situations I had with him, what i should do and how to not hold into empty words? I am very heartbroken and hurt and I just cannot deal with this by myself.

Thank you