Broken
I’m at a loss. My husband of 7 years has cheated on me with multiple women our entire relationship. I’ve been trying to stick by him but he doesn’t get that not being completely honest about the infidelity is killing me. He only tells me that it means nothing V and blames me for not being there for him completely because of the infidelity. He doesn’t assist in my healing and before I can heal her cheats again. I told him that he needed therapy but we went once, he went once and I haven’t heard about therapy again. He says that he wants to be here for me and our daughter but I just don’t know.
you love him, yes? Or do you stay with him for your daughter?
@Danikaez
you are correct but have you asked him why he does that provided that when he answers , you will not take the answers to your heart and you can handle the truth.
I have! But when you come into a relationship with someone else it’s hard to even think that it has anything to do with me. He came into this relationship with a side chick that assumed that he was about to be in a relationship with her but decided to be with me but with her on the side. I found all of this out after the marriage so if you’re saying if I can handle him saying it’s what I’m not doing then yes I could but it’s deeper than me.
@Danikaez
you need to decide first , what is ok for you and what is not . also as he is still engaging in that act and dont want to therapy . while he also said that he wants to be there for you and your daughter .can you not set some rules as boundaries on which both of you agree on . you need to understand that you cannot stop a person from doing something completely if he has the opportunity to do it. as therapy only works if someone really wants to change but when self efforts are not enough. its not possible to force to change though therapy . if you want to use force , you can involve your family members but that could affect your relationship.
@Danikaez
It is most certainly deeper then you....... he is getting something out of these flings..... if it is an ego boost that he can attract many or trying to find something............many people who do this are looking for some validation only they can provide themselves but they THINK someone else can
Did you have no idea he was juggling two before and as you married......?
since he was doing this the whole rime does he have ANY ability to see right from wrong....? what did he think your vows meant just repeating something?
Do you want your daughter to know this ...? ( sooner or later she probably will) to grow up thinking being treated as you are is the way marriage works ? would you want her to stay with some guy who disrespects her like this?
i know those questions are harsh and i would like you to ASK him those questions ..........
have him imagine his daughter in a relationship with a guy like him being blamed for his issues being cheated and lied to regularly ........ maybe then he will see how destructive this is and has been.......
THIS is his issues he needs to want to fix it ........ he need to hit rock bottom......
@Danikaez
When he says he wants to be there for you and your daughter - but refuses to accept the seriousness of his continuous infidelity/lies/cheating - exactly what way does he want to be there? Is it just a financial responsibility he wants to do for you both? From what you shared It sounds like he is still justifying and explaining the 7+ years of cheating as "it meant nothing", so of course, in his mind, if it was nothing, it needs no change or action or healing or special attention.
It might help to talk with parents, family or a pastor that he respects/trusts. He refuses to see the impact of his choices on your family but perhaps if he hears sensible opinions from people he respects, he might reflect upon what he is doing to you and the marriage.
You’re the side chick in your own marriage. Plain and simple. This wasn’t “one time” when he made a mistake and apologised and never strayed again. No, this was multiple times throughout the whole of your relationship, and he has never taken accountability, and has never made any sincere efforts to change his behaviour and wrongdoing.
So that only leaves one possibility: He married you, but not “To the exclusion of all others”, not to remain faithful and committed, not to love and to care for, til death do you part. It’s clearly not that kind of marriage. He’s your husband in title only, maybe you have a ring on your finger, but that’s it! He might think that’s the whole of what a marriage is; or maybe he pays some bills and thinks that allows him to do whatever he wants with every other woman as long as he comes home to you in the end and pays the mortgage. He says he wants to be there for your daughter probably because he KNOWS that’s what he’s supposed to say! He knows that his infidelity is wrong - the problem is he just doesn’t care enough to stop doing it. It’s easy for him to feed you the right line, but when it comes to being the loyal committed husband you need him to be, that’s where he’s consistently let you down every time.
OK. That’s the man you married. That’s the father of your child. He didn’t change in 7 years. What makes you think he’s changing any time soon? You need to decide if that’s how you want to spend the NEXT 7 years (and the next 20 years, and the rest of your life). If this marriage with him right now the way it is; is as good as it ever gets, are you satisfied with that? Do you want your daughter growing up thinking THAT’S what love is…?
I’m sorry you’re in this situation. But I don’t think you should rely on him at all to make it any better. I think if you want to improve the situation, you’re going to have to make some hard decisions for yourself and for your daughter.
CatsInTheCradle