Broken marriage and self

So for the past 13 years I was married to a wonderful woman, but back in August she decided that due to my mental health and my inability to control my anger outbursts and the constant arguments that it was time to be done. She had been to he'll and back, all by way of me. I was very emotionally abusive and verbally abusive. I realize this and am trying to get better, however I do not know how to do that as I can not forgive myself for the pain that I caused the one person in the world that I still care the most for.

We have talked at length and found that we will never be together. I also found out that she was not physically cheating on me but was emotionally by going to other people for the emotional support. I do not blame her or hold any resentment towards her for what she did, but I do hate myself and resent myself for what I did to her.

I want to get better, and I have started to by getting sober. I was an addict and alcoholic for many years and also have recently been diagnosed with a TBI that happened none years ago that caused a marked personality shift. It made me a very angry and irritable person. I hate who I am and do not see any hope for myself. I feel most days it would be better if I was dead and gone, that if I was to due, all the people that I hurt would be able to bury their pain with me and finally get the release they need.

Also I crave having a partner, someone that will hold.me and help me through this hard time. I want to cry, but do not feel safe enough due to my own insecurities and not having someone to help comfort me. I am broken and do not know how to fix it.