Complicated relationships post separation
I am in a really complicated situation and I don’t know how I got here and how to get out. I am questioning every decision I have made to this point For background, I separated from my husband in December 2019 and we had plans to move out in February, we have 2 kids. Long time coming and very amicable. In January he was redundant so we delayed the moving so he could start a new job and get a new place. In March he was stood down temporarily due to COVID. So it made sense for us to stay under one roof, I live downstairs and he lives upstairs. This is working fine for the moment and no real issues here I started becoming really close to a colleague and earlier this year we took the next step. And this relationship has become complicated. He has his own issues and also separated in 2019 which I thought I was being really respectful of. But recently it’s taken a turn. I admit that I didn’t help the situation but it feels like he is applying what went wrong in his previous relationship in ours. Stuff like I said I was doing fine the other day. And the reply was “what did I do wrong. I know was that means when I get told it’s fine”. How to I approach this.
@impartialBirch36
Thank you for your post! 
I really must say, sometimes we as people can change relationships but we don't change ourselves. There is a quote "where ever you go, there you are". So sometimes it can be hard for us as people to learn that maybe it's us, carrying around the same old problems, ideas, thoughts, concepts and simply think that getting rid of one person and then getting another is going to change everything. There are habits, thought processes, maybe things that have been going on for quite some time.
Sometimes people look through the branches when it's good to search the roots. Maybe you are nothing like "her" but do you think that maybe he is putting attributes on to you that might not really be there at all? I think it's a good thing to consider as you do seem concerned and it seems as if you have noticed something is kind of "off" there and maybe the comment made to you wasn't worthy of what was really going on at the time? Could it be that he has a faulty mind set and with out working through these things, he could potentially experience the same problems over and over? His perception is his reality but maybe because of a thought pattern he sees everyone through the exact same lense?
I send you big *hugs*
@impartialBirch36
oops, sorry about that ..........Gizzie is back again now. I didn't answer your final question which was "how do I approach this"? If you would like to approach this, I would consider doing it in a very delicate manner. It seems as if already, he feels as if he is somehow being blamed or responsible for the feedback of your day when asked and then the reply of "it was fine". This appears to be a highly defensive remark from him? Is he portraying himself as the victim in many scenarios and stories that he tells you? Does he have a problem with what is called his "locus of control" and the feelings of he has no control over anything and the world just keeps spinning? Is it hard for him to take responsibility for things and address areas in which he falls short?
Maybe you could politely ask some of these questions. How did it feel yesterday when I told you "it was fine". What did that mean to you specifically. Maybe encouraging him that you meant no harm to him but you enjoy honest relationships and that when asked a direct question, you give a direct answer. Perhaps explain to him that you had many things that went on in your day and he wasn't present for them at all, he wasn't there and so you would not blame him for something he did not do. You could ask lots of questions and see what his answers might be? You could reafirm your feelings for him and if this same thing becomes a pattern maybe the both of you could speak to someone of the professional nature (a counselor) if you choose to go that route and are willing to put the investment into that.