Confused
My husband decided 2 weeks ago that he wanted a separation. We've been having troubles for a few months and things just got worse. What heightens my nerves is that there has been "virtual" infidelity (exchanging explicit pics and videos with other women online) on his part on more than one occasion in the past. The most recent being July of this year. I found pics and videos saved on his old laptop that he had given me when he got a new one. These were saved a year prior in May 2017 while we were engaged, but I found them in July of this year. I decided to leave and stay with my mom for about a week and gain some clarity and decide how to proceed. About 2 weeks after I came back, I found out that while I was gone, he repeated that same behavior that I had left for. There have been situations of lying, porn and talking to other girls throughout our relationship. There's also been steroid abuse that has been hidden from me and I've found out, on 3 occasions over 5 years we've been together. I've never really been given enough time to trust again before something else happens. Now he wants to separate but work on things to stay together but while living apart. Since ive been gone (2 wks) however, theres been no effort on his part. I've only seen him twice, that's bc I went there, he goes out, has been drinking a lot, not really appearing to care at all but says this is killing him. I barely hear from him. I just have a bad feeling something isn't right. Help!
@Jenn0317
I went through something similar a few years back. I was the guy, and acted a lot like your story. For me, there wasn't anything bad going on, it's just that I really didn't have the feelings for her anymore. The connection wasn't there. We had years of issues, tried counseling and therapy and books, etc. I was trying to be nice and work through it, give things a chance, but my heart wasn't in it, so I didn't put forth any effort, even thought I said I wanted to. It did hurt and that part was true. I found solace in going out with friends to feel better. I did drink quite a bit more too, just on my own even. Up to half a bottle a day if I wasn't working or driving. It just calmed the storm in my head.
So I guess if this sounds similar it may be that he's just not sure how to let go fully or want to cause you more pain, but it sounds like he has already checked out. If he has, then there isn't a lot YOU can do, it's really up to him if he wants to change/fix himself or not. For me, she tried her hardest, but eventually realized it was on me if I wanted to keep it going. It took me a long time (too long in retrospect) to just be honest with myself and her, and ask to move on.
So yeah, just a perspective from someone who might have been on the other side of that coin. Nothing short of a very direct, straight, adult conversation is likely to help things either I'd suspect. Time may pass and it may just remain the same with no changes, which isn't healthy for either of you.
