Confused
My husband and I are on the verge of divorce. Weve been married for a year, together for 3 but have known each other for 11 years. He has a lot of trust issues from his previous relationship but in the beginning of our marriage I lied about talking to another man, it was harmless and nothing ever happened. But in his mind it did and in his mind Im a cheater which I have never been. This has caused many many many fights and me leaving many of times. Im currently out of our house and staying with family. I feel like his opinion of me is the worst bc of how he thinks. I have developed anger and hatred towards him for thinking of me the way he does so when he fight I escalate things with nasty awful words that should never be said and he lashes out and says things that should never be said. I dont want to divorce my husband and he doesnt want to divorce me but I dont know how to control my temper and anger and not say terrible awful things when we fight. I need help changing that part of me bc Ive been this way all my life. I speak before I think then think after the fact and regret everything thats been said.
@JessicaPaige I am sorry to hear it Jessica. Probably you may need to work on your anger management. I know it is easier said than done but when a relationship is at stake, probably we need our best to try and practice techniques to keep calm.
If you want, probably you both can connect with a counselor and work on it. I hope with time things get better for you both.
We all are here to support you.
@JessicaPaige
Sorry to hear whats happening every relationship with a partner is build on trust honesty no lies no secrets trust is hard to gain back but with time patients and working together it can be fixed and mended to him he thinks you cheated even though you didn't I'm sure you would have showed him the messages or anything to prove that you didn't even kiss or touch the guy but texting can still be hurtful speaking before you think its very hard to do so especially when there's a fight between each other what you need to do is make time for each other text or call him but keep calm if you feel like a bit of an urge is happening deep breaths in.and out and think right I'm on the phone or in person to my husband I want to mend things not make it worse each step is great progress it may seem slow but that's the idea of it to take time each bit counts maybe ask him I he's free and do things together tell him you love him very much and your deeply sorry and want to spend rest of your life with him take him out to lunch or dinner ask how his day was ask if he needs help with anything around the house or even ask if you could cook dinner for him candle lit dinner wear something nice that he'll like on you
@JessicaPaige
Sorry to hear you're having such a hard time at present. You have said you both do not want this divorce but perhaps it is being precipitated by angry hurtful words said by both partners.
It sounds like he has not had closure about the lie, which is why it has come up so many times. Sometimes it needs an honest acknowledgement of a mistake (as opposed to justification or explanation) and a heartfelt apology to help someone forgive us. I just mentioned it because sometimes in our defense we can get really angry and not say the few words that can help our partner realize we are human, we made a mistake, but we love them deeply and regret hurting them.
" I speak before I think then think after the fact and regret everything thats been said. " For this part I can only ask if you've ever tried communicating by letters. When you have a disagreement or argument, both of you stop speaking and write to each other instead. Take 10 minutes to put down everything that you need to say, he does the same. Always have the two notebooks and pens handy. There are a few advantages of argument-by-letter explained as follows:
1. When we write we often find ourselves reading over for content, accuracy and end up correcting whatever seems to have come out wrong.
2. We get the time to organize our thoughts and to give it a few moments to sink in before passing them on to the other party.
3. We avoid being triggered by their interruptions or disagreement with whatever we started saying. So you both get the chance to complete writing what you want to say with zero interruptions or diversions from the topic.
4. If you find one round of exchanging letters hasn't resolved anything, try talking. If the talk turns to a fight, go back to pen and paper.
Good luck!
@JessicaPaige
"I lied about talking to another man, it was harmless and nothing ever happened. But in his mind it did and in his mind Im a cheater which I have never been."
I also felt it necessary to add something about the concept of cheating. It doesn't have to be physical infidelity or 'something to happen' to classify as cheating. In fact, anything that crosses mutual boundaries or leads one partner having to lie about something can be called cheating. Despite his trust being shaken by your lie you insist 'it was harmless' and that you have never been a cheater. That denial might be a factor to his lack of closure. If we can't understand what the issue is, we can never fix it. Has he specifically said 'something happened' or does he use the word cheater to mean lies/deceit? Before the next talk about this it might really help to reflect on this.
I wish you the best and hope you're both able to move past this.